Need Help handling affair thats still going on

[kjensen]

Hi Peace,
I think I've had a similar philosophy. After my H left, I analyzed and read a zillion books. I figured out how our relationship was dysfunctional(both of us avoiding conflict) and stuck in a rut(forgetting to be thankful/appreciative), etc. So I feel like distancing is removing support, but I do think it may help my H see/feel what I have been providing, once its not so available.
The other obstacle for me is the OW. I'm fearful that once I'm not as available, my H will go to the OW for what he's missing-he already goes there for the sex. She's not fully available to him either, since she has her two young children every other week. My H feels strongly he shouldn't become a part of her children's lives unless they are in a committed/longterm relationship. I guess I won't know when if/that happens though. I doubt he'll tell me. He isn't sharing much with me except mundane details of his daily life and who knows if its the full truth.. He still has got one foot in and foot out the door. He has left some clothes here at our home. He hasn't told his family that we're separated(now almost 3 months)-just that he's depressed and on antidepressants. I guess, as always, one day at a time.
By the way-since my library here is lae ad there are NO books on MLC..what is the difference between a WAS and a spouse going through MLC?

[peacetoday]

K
THis is my take on WAS vs MLCer

MLC is a developmental stage usually occuring in all people between ages 35 and 50 (give or take a few years)( there may be exceptionsas some go this life phase earlier or later..
while some people transition through Mid life without leaving their spouses and destucting their lives, others do not
It may have something to do with that persons childhood and previous unresoved issues; or previous developmental stages a person goes through, or maybe has not fully gone through properly like adolesence
MLC may been started before bomb or after a dealth or trumatic event in the past year before bomb
From my understanding, once a person goes in MLC, they begin this journey
It seems complex and has something to do with reliving their youth..not acceoting death ,sorting through unresolved issues of past
seems once in it, It cant be stopped and it lasts 2-7 years
stages include denial anger replay depression withdrawal acceptace
MLCers seem to want to keep one foot in each world
many of them do not file for D
b/c they are unsure
MLC resourses explain more
the MLcer usually has an A
spends huge amounts of money
may start dressing younger
dying hair


A WAS is a person who is not in a developemental stage or crisies and decides thaey want out of their M
many of these will file immediately after bomb
this is my take on it
peace

[kjensen]

Thanks Peace.
I think my H is an MLCer. Definitely one foot in and one foot out the door. He makes statements about realizing he wants out of the relationship, that "our life doesn't work for him anymore", but when I suggest we separate our bank accounts, he doesn't pursue it. He talks about the future in vague terms, in terms of "ifs" and not "whens". The spending money has only been very slight b/c he is so money conscious-very responsible there. The depression, the A, the waffling, all make me think MLC not WAS...Very much in limbo.
Today he emailed me and texted me without my initiation. We talked a bit on the phone today-my one misstep was talking about him finding a new place when his lease is up. I said I hoped he'd move home but if he didn't I would be happy to help him look for a new apartment. He didn't say much. He was happy that I thanked him for the chores he did-so I know being appreciative is a good thing. Less tears(?no tears I think) today. Weekend is almost over!
I'm anxious about next week and already feel clingy b/c the OW should have no kids(so she's available to him)...Will have to stay strong.

[peacetoday]

K
how old is your H?
I would watch the money very carefully
MY H busted our business..he had secret credit cards even before bomb
but at first after bomb, he spent carefully
after about 1 year he spent more and more
until it was apparent
keep your eye on that account
I would check it daily or every few days
I never thougth my H would spend this way..but the OW dont care and our H want to act like donald trump around them


I was thinking about you
im not sure but maybe talk to coach
I wonder if your stance should be more availablee right now to your H since he is in therapy
not to persue..but to be supportive, appreciative, available,upbeat
im not sure
they always say go no contact
but it so limits showing opur H the other side of the coin
how great this new R could be
especially if he isnt sure about ow
( instead of limited contact)
peace

[kjensen]

My H is 44. My DB coach suggested becoming more distant and trying that for 3 weeks. Its tricky b/c H works in our home in his office and I see him in the AM and lunchtime..
I will separate our bank accounts if he spends anything but food/gas out of our joint account. He is paying for his apartment and other expenses out of his business account(which he just put a password on-so I can no longer see). I'm the only one putting money in the joint account.

Well so much for being upbeat and positive. I asked my husband if the boundaries he was working on from therapy had to do with me. He said his boundary is his therapy is his-he doesn't want to share. I said I'd like us to remain friends but I feel all we talk about is chitchat. He felt all we talked about was relationship stuff(which I know we haven't for at least a week).
I got a bit upset and got ready to leave. I asked him to let me know if he decided to continue his A, b/c I couldn't be his friend then-it would be too hard emotionally. He nodded. He said he would eat lunch elsewhere(he works out of the house and I come home for lunch-so we usually eat together)-I said no-I would eat at work. I said I wanted to know who he is-he said its a shame I didn't for all these years-I agreed it was a shame. I said it would be nice knowing who you are now to see if there's anything there between us-as friends or anything. I said I felt he's closed his heart to me. Oh the backsliding was bad! But I am so angry/hurt now, at least I have the conviction that I can be distant for awhile.. I'm sure he'll keep seeing the OW. He doesn't have me..so there really aren't too many people for him to talk to. He's in his office all alone everyday.
I'm regretting I even brought up a R issue(the boundaries), but I'm not super strong yet with this DB stuff. Yet. I'll keep trying.

[dl443322]

K, I am sorry. This is so hard. I am at it for almost two years and I still backslide. Not nearly as often as in the beginning, but it still happens.

The most important thing you could do right now besides GALing is to stop talking to your h about feelings, the ow, the two of you or anything like that because it is pressure to your h. He is not hearing you right now and you are only going to make him angry.

When you think you are going to say something, count to 50, leave the room, call a friend, come here. I know that you think you are going to get answers, you are not. I know you hope that you are going to say something that will magically make it all clear to h, but you wont. He is lost right now.

I know its hard. But really try as hard as you can to treat h like you would a neighbor. Be polite, cordial and friendly.

You can do this. You can.

[peacetoday]

K
we all backslide
It is sometimes hard to be supportive without getting into something especially if the MLCer says something we dont agree with
you have been doing well
but there is no way to really get thru to him or get a straight answer from thm
they become secretive..it is part of the MLC(teenagers stuff)
we the LBS are not totally safe b/c most of us would not approve of the MLCer new lifestyle and choices
so now your H put a password on the business account
this is how it starts
Is that your business account too(half your business)
this is how my H almost busted us , but his only mistake was leaving me on account, so I could see his spending
Think about this b/c many of these guys will overspend and lose it all
protect the business if you can
protect your house
and moniter all you can
peace

[kjensen]

My husband's buisness is his own and he is barely making enough to support himself on his own. I have been supporting us for several years while his business got going.
So I sent my H an email after our fallout at lunch:
H,
I'm sorry I got emotional. I haven't brought up anything "heavy" for a week and I'm sure sorry I did today!

I will be eating lunch at work for now. I will try to stay our of your life and truly be separate as much as I'm able. I won't contact you unless its about the kids/house. I'll pick up the kids after school this week.

I am still willing to be your friend should you want that, but if that's to happen, I expect you would be MY friend too. If we were friends I would hope that you would feel comfortable being open and honest with me about anything-not that you'd have to share everything-but I would hope that comfortableness would be there between us as friends. I would give the same.

I would want to know who you are, would want you to be authentic with me, not shielded ( I feel that if I took you up on your previous offers to see your cell phone or business account now you wouldn't let me-I feel you're protecting yourself from me. You've completely withdrawn from me- I feel without need). I'm certainly not out to hurt you, or make you feel bad. Of all the people in your life, I suspect I am your biggest supporter. I do support you finding yourself, finding happiness and peace.

I have plenty of people to have chitchat/superficial talk with-that's not what I need or want from a close/good friend. The ball is in your court.

-me

Here's his response:
I cannot take any more. We are both living separate lives as much as we are able to. I know its difficult and confusing (it is for me anyway) but I feel like it is what I have to do. I appreciate you recognizing it.
I will always be your friend.

So..my heart was pounding. I suspect his words are much more final sounding than his actions. I'm not sure what he cannot take anymore of. It still sounds like he's in limbo and confused-I'm guessing that stage takes awhile. Do you think having an OW/A prolongs the confusion? I thought it would distract him from the actual work he needs to do.. I hope I didn't go on too much about the friend stuff in my email- I just wanted him to know I still am here(even though I'll be much more distant/dim), but do have needs too. Anyone have any other sggestions for me?
I do appreciate your input Peace and Begginersmind!

[dl443322]

K, please do not send him any more emails. You dont have to keep telling him you are his friend. Just go about your life. Dont tell him what you are going to do, just do it.

He cant take anymore of you talking to him about the two of you. It is pressure to him. Treat him as a neighbor. Just live your life.

[kjensen]

That's my plan. I hope I can do it. I'm already tending to mentally focus on the OW and wondering if he's now gone to her. But I'm trying to focus on my girls and their needs. Well tomorrow is my therapy session-hopefully it will help me sort things out and do some work on myself. Thanks!