Today, more of the same - this time positive. He talked a little more today about feeling good about our talk last night, he explained a little more about how he is catching his negative (knee jerk )reaction to things, more about how he wants to be the person I thought I M., more about his need to be tolerant, and thinking about my kids the way I do because they matter so much to me.
He promised to focus on rebuilding our M and no longer focus on all the other "stuff" he has been arguing about.
Then he admitted he had no right to ask any favors - but he did ask me to be present when he was confirmed in the church. I agreed and he responded by offering to do whatever I want for Easter Day with the kids as a family. Something he suggested be the normal from now on.
My feelings, well just as I was so honest about monitoring my physical reaction to our prior talks, I will continue to be honest now. During our talk, I felt confident and comfortable and compassionate. No more fear. Before we got into the meat of things and then it only stayed the same. Today, it was the same. I started to be concerned when he asked to spend some time together, and to plan some time off together over the summer, he didn't ask about moving in. Big change. He also asked me to let him know whenever I had some free time, and it didn't have to be like before when it was all the time, his words," no more eggs shell walking around him". He also made a big point about speaking up with him knowing how afraid I had become because of his drinking, and learning to be myself again around him.
So, all in all, I have to admit that something feels different. Caution is still in my mind, he has a long way to go with himself, and we still a lot of rebuilding to do. Oh, he also suggested that we consider renewing our vows at some point in future to remember what we said at the beginning. He told me that he still had our wedding program and would read it from time to time. I thought there was something nice about that.
Sounds like a lot going on - it is - but he has been working up to this - I have to admit that holding the line with him really made him reach for his best. I am recalling a few weeks ago when I said I would restart contact and would only respond to the positive signs and shut down the negative ones. Will continue with that thinking.
Sounds like positive momentum. I agree with silvagod (although not sure what the response was going to be. I'm curiuos now). Take it slow. You're both vulnerable and if you go too fast may not be able to survive the impact. Rebuild.
<hugs>
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I could use some piecing tips for slow. H is an all or nothing type and is learning how to use "breaks". Goal is to reunite, but how do we know when? Why to do in the meantime? I have my ideas just putting out leads to the universe in general.
Had another positive day - he was conscious of giving me space and understanding my needs at work balanced with home responsibilities. Supported my ventures today verbally showing me that he is noticing things about me that he never acknowledged before. I also did some things for myself that he was always asking me to make a priority which pleased him as well. Hope it continues through the weekend. We have plans for Sunday.
Sounds like your H is making some real positive steps. You can see he is trying, but just wants things to go his way alot. Guess we all have that in us.
I would imagine his sobriety is something huge to him...and it should be. What they don't understand is it takes more than a few months to prove to someone that they are truly done with A. The trust needs to be rebuilt for everyone.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Yeah, I have said as much to him. I went through this with him before saying exactly the same things - but what is different this time is his thinking and reflecting on his words and behavior. If he says or does something negative, he catches himself, that is entirely new and seems to be consistent for the most part.
His goals are realistic on one level - he wants to be consistently "palpable" to me - in other words, acceptable. He is more aware of his negative traits. Like, I said, he couldn't do that before.
I will admit that I am concerned that he will try to pressure me into allowing things to return to where they were before - but be very clear - I am in a much better place now, can't be pressured into anything - I am willing to have things change in order to rebuild the R. If it doesn't work out - I am ready to be on my own again.
The recovery part for me may be the hardest part. But I realized that his reactions, words, deeds, will all reveal what I need to know at any moment. He is telling me a lot right now and I just decided to let him talk and not react to it, not try to discuss it or point out what is incorrect in his thinking. He has a therapist and sponsor to point these things out to him. I will focus on our R and it either works or not. It's that simple now. Before, I had so many things I brought into it all, and found out that none of it matters.
On my personal front, d is driving with her own car and so independent that she is actually more attached - will someone explain that one? She is definitely moving out this summer for college though and I imagine that to be the beginning of the end.
Son still looking for a fulltime job - ugh! without his degree! I can't stand it! (By the way, H says he is ready to accept that son may be around for awhile) In the mean time, I still have to see what exh is doing about his living sitch - whether he will move to another state to live with GF or stay for the kids.
I have found some possibilities for an adult community living, on the riverfront and close to work. I can do it with or without H if needed. I am in a good position right now.
I think you are in a good place. I think you have a long way to go on this journey, but I would suggest starting by learning to earn each other's trust.
How you ask? By caring for one another and allowing that to build for a bit of time. What I'm saying is that you two have hurt each other. H hurt you more. He needs a chance to not only build that trust up with you, but also to learn to make that a normal part of his life. While he fights his addiction.
Time to build trust seems important to me for some reason. Not just building it, but taking the time to build it for a strong foundation in your relationship.
Likely would be a fun time for the two of you as well.
My thoughts. I'm not in your place, so you'll have to bear with me. You may want to post over in piecing together as well.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family Kassie.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Go back and read your first posts here. Wow. You have come so far. Great to see.
Let us know how the day goes today with your H.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Day went well. No drinking, no arguing, one sentence about the R - and two sentences about the future. We watched concert, talked in general, catching up with latest family news ( we will be grandparents of a boy in July), no wedding date set for the other son, MIL is ok. d stopped in unexpectedly and he invited her to sit and watch the concert with us - she wanted to but had to study. Later we went to the store and ran into my s - H walked up to him and talked briefly.
The only R thing was -"this is a good day for us isn't it? they should all be like this and probably will now that I am not drinking"
The future talk was near the end of the visit when I mentioned looking at houses in adult communities. He said he wanted to move back in late in the summer but there are things to work out yet - like me needing to see that he is ok over time - and he wants to be able to deal better with my s living with us. But in an adult community that won't be possible. He said he would be happy either way. That's a first.
I was a little nervous at times when approaching subjects that used to set him off. He doesn't want me to avoid things around him. So, he handled everything well. Showed me respect in everything.
I did notice that when I felt some pressure from him, it wasn't really from him - but from me - I still want him to think the way that I think about things and it is ok to have different viewpoints. As a result of processing this thought, the pressure to try to change his mind left and I was fine. I also realized that I still do what I want, he will like it or not, and we will deal with it. New.
Sounds like a great day! Your H and you seem to be moving in the right direction. So glad to hear you are not rushing into R as these things take time. Take it from me.
Your H must sense that you are no longer the needy woman that had to be married at all costs. You are now an independent woman who wants to be married, but in the right way. I think I am finally getting to that point of being ok with not being married.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
I am so pleased.