WAW/Affair Confirmed - Advice? #2

[vickyd]

Ok, I'll be honest, DCBH. I hope you don't get offended, and maybe its bcause I have never been in a custody battle or divorce, but all the taping and spying sounds insane to me. IMHO, unless you are just working toward a divorce and no chance of reconcilation or even better communication with you W as coparents, I'm not sure what your goal of all this will be divorce wise. I mean I can understand having to prove infidility in court so the PI has done that for you. And she has already admitted to the A. So why the continued spying? It is helping to make you feel better? Is it helping you to move on or to possibly reconcile? Is it going to stop the A?

Again, please don't be offended and by all means I am not great at the DB thing at all if you check my thread out. But from the outside looking in, I think you need to stop spying and do the things you said at the end of your last post -- make preparations for your daughter. Just my opinion and hope you don't mine me sharing it.

[DCBHM]

The "spying" is necessary because of the false allegations/lies/behavior patterns. This isn't a 'friendly' divorce. She said she wanted a D, I told her "Okay, 50/50 split, we will share custody of D1, and we can part as friends." That wasn't good enough, she made false allegations of abuse, started telling everyone that I was abusive, etc. and going so far as to attempt to incite me to do things by withholding D1, threatening me, filing on 'mental and physical cruelty' fault grounds, etc.

I say "Hey can I get D1 for Spring Break?" and I hear from her attorney "He threatened to steal the baby and take her across state lines."

So unfortunately the documentation is necessary to preserve the truth - because I'm hearing all kinds of insane things from her after we have what I think is a 'sane' conversation she twists it to whatever she needs her attorney to have. She accused me of trying to drown her - and I asked about it and she said that I had yelled one time when she was in the bathtub.

She accuses me of beating her, and provides a photograph where she has a bruise on her arm that was from an incident she had fallen at the daycare when a child ran into her.

She shows up at my house with OM waiting right outside my front door, and just makes herself at home by barging in and going through items in the house. She wants me to do something so she can call the police - and I'm documenting each and every interaction to disprove any allegation.

I hate that it is necessary... but I'm not the one who asked for the D. She came at me with fury, probably half-believing her own lies, and accused me of some pretty serious stuff (that isn't true).

The A stuff... I've got more than enough evidence. But unfortunately I still am having to document everything.

Unfortunately for her... I dealt with crazy with my xW. So I know how to respond, and it does sound insane because it is crazy-making at its finest. All my documentation sobered her and her attorney up pretty fast though.

[marriedCrazy]

You might want to visit BPDCentral.com and billeddyhighconflictinstitute.blogspot.com

It might give you some insight.

Tom

[DCBHM]

You might want to visit BPDCentral.com and billeddyhighconflictinstitute.blogspot.com

It might give you some insight.

Tom

Yeah I am filing a psych eval and including suspicion of BPD - including self-mutilating behavior, etc.

[fitzge]

I know what you are going through hurts to the very fiber of your being.

1. Do not try to figure her out. I know you think you love her, but she has made it abundantly clear she has NO respect for you. She can't because she has no respect for herself.

2. Do NOT expect any help or alliance with the in-laws. Your MIL response is typical. Sadly, blood is thicker than water. Stop talking to those people -- they will work to sink you.

3. The OM is a POS. Once you figure that out, you slowly figure out your wife is a POS. Until OM is out of the picture, you are spinning your wheels.

4. The video and audio taping is NOT worth the effort you are putting into it. Change the locks on your doors. If the law comes to your place because she called them, you will get a ride to the crow-bar hotel. Unfortunately, she'll dream up some story and it will sell lock-stock-and-barrel.

5. The GAL part is for you. As hard as it is, start doing something (anything) you like to do. The first couple times it may be hard. Concentration seems to be one of the first things we lose.

6. Detach -- getting into pissing contests with her only makes you feel worse in the long run. If you are not sucked into her nonsense, you will be able to make rational decisions. The ones you are about to make will be there for a lifetime.

7. Be careful with your current actions as some people may try to paint you as vendictive -- I know that's not the case, just laying out what may be presented to the judge. Best interests of the child(ren), don't always follow common-sense guidelines.

[DCBHM]

1. Do not try to figure her out. I know you think you love her, but she has made it abundantly clear she has NO respect for you. She can't because she has no respect for herself.

Yeah I have stopped trying to understand her. Trying to analyze irrational behavior and paranoid delusions was giving me a headache so I started documenting everything and researching her symptoms until I ran across several BPD sites that described her behavior to a T.

2. Do NOT expect any help or alliance with the in-laws. Your MIL response is typical. Sadly, blood is thicker than water. Stop talking to those people -- they will work to sink you.

Yeah, that was made plain over the weekend. I'm going to focus on W in court where things actually matter.

3. The OM is a POS. Once you figure that out, you slowly figure out your wife is a POS. Until OM is out of the picture, you are spinning your wheels.

I actually figured that out a long time ago. I used to hang out with him for a bit - but eventually realized that it was boring as heck because all he ever does is get plastered and listen to the same mix-cd over and over.

4. The video and audio taping is NOT worth the effort you are putting into it. Change the locks on your doors. If the law comes to your place because she called them, you will get a ride to the crow-bar hotel. Unfortunately, she'll dream up some story and it will sell lock-stock-and-barrel.

Already changed the locks. I record any and all interactions, and am taking steps to make sure the custody swaps are as painless as possible.

5. The GAL part is for you. As hard as it is, start doing something (anything) you like to do. The first couple times it may be hard. Concentration seems to be one of the first things we lose.

Actually had a great weekend with the kids. Went to the mall, went to a bookstore, got our hair cut, went to several little shops. Actually had a great day, and it was only slightly marred by W's behavior and reaction to it.

6. Detach -- getting into pissing contests with her only makes you feel worse in the long run. If you are not sucked into her nonsense, you will be able to make rational decisions. The ones you are about to make will be there for a lifetime.

I am... I spoke to my therapist and told her I wanted to begin resolving my feelings and distancing myself from the M. I spoke to my preacher and told him the same thing - that I'm going to be working on moving on as best I can, and as far as I could tell there is no hope for reconciling at the moment.

7. Be careful with your current actions as some people may try to paint you as vindictive -- I know that's not the case, just laying out what may be presented to the judge. Best interests of the child(ren), don't always follow common-sense guidelines.

Yeah I made it plain to my attorneys that my sole purpose was the best interests of D1. I wish the best for W and hope she gets help. I don't want to do anything to punish her for the A, I hope she learns what she needs to from it and she has a good life.

[DCBHM]

Today I'm meeting with the therapist again. We kind of discussed my life story the last time and she referred to that as barely grazing the iceberg.

My purpose now is to work with the therapist and everyone I have support from and start moving on from the M and focusing on the D.

I have a great deal of love for W... so much so that I find it difficult to take any action in the D that I know is going to hurt her feelings, even though she is basically making no effort to hold back her attacks on me and my character and threatening my having custody rights of D1.

However I'm not 'dependent' on that R, so I have been able to move on to GAL fairly quickly - especially when the 'shooting' started in the D war.

If she is suffering from BPD, I am probably an oddity in that I didn't form a co-dependent relationship with her. I always expressed unconditional love, but I also always expressed a desire to let her choose love for me - and if she chose differently I let her make that decision.

[Phoenixdeux]

I'm not sure the point of all these confrontational conversations with her and also with her mom. She's cheating. You know it and she knows it and you have proof. If you still hope to reconcile, you are going about it wrong. She is out of the house...so now get her out of your life and out of your system. Move forward with your life. Don't bother with anymore confrontations or discussions of a marriage that is dead. That's a cheeseless tunnel. If she decides she wants to try again, it will be for her own reasons, and not because you became allies with her parents, or she was worried of losing custody, or because you guilted her into it.

[DCBHM]

I'm not sure the point of all these confrontational conversations with her and also with her mom. She's cheating. You know it and she knows it and you have proof. If you still hope to reconcile, you are going about it wrong. She is out of the house...so now get her out of your life and out of your system. Move forward with your life. Don't bother with anymore confrontations or discussions of a marriage that is dead. That's a cheeseless tunnel. If she decides she wants to try again, it will be for her own reasons, and not because you became allies with her parents, or she was worried of losing custody, or because you guilted her into it.

Well, I have a major decision I was preparing to make in the D, and this conversation was a testing of the waters to see where I stood as far as family support. I have no local family - so I would be reliant upon an alliance with her family to end the A. Since that alliance is not forthcoming, and I tested the waters to see that they were simply enabling her behavior - I'm going to be moving forward in the D.

My hopes for reconciliation are tempered by the false allegations, her using D1 as a pawn, and her affecting my two boys emotional well-being. She 'feels' everything I would imagine the WAW normally feels, but she 'feels' it 100 times as much - so much so that she would be willing to accuse me of sexual abuse of D1 if she thought it would buy her time or hurt me in order to justify her A.

She has a lack of respect of boundaries - she chose the D, yet she wants to make herself at home when she walks into the house.

I believe if she chooses reconciliation at this point - it will be for the wrong reasons and I have no desire to have her back like she is. I have tried on multiple occasions for her to seek therapy, counseling, medical help, etc. and she ignores it and blows me off.

I'm going to attempt to lovingly detach before I grow to hate her. I'm going to protect what feelings I have - but I'm going to be moving on right now.

[DCBHM]

Therapy was therapeutic again. She said she doesn't think she needs to see me weekly because it seems like I've got everything together. She said what I'm doing does seem a bit extreme - but she thinks that I'm probably channeling a lot of my emotions into my goal, and that her only concern is that when the 'war' ends, what happens to all that pent up frustration and emotion?

She kept me an additional 20 minutes today, and she said that normally she deals with people who are falling apart, and yet she put it bluntly "You've been through hell for a long time - and you are more together than most people who never have to deal with anything."

She kept poking around the edges, trying to see if any part of what I was saying wasn't genuine, but she seemed completely convinced of my sincerity and goals in my relationship.

She did tell me that individuals with BPD that she works with are not able to form solid relationships - and that if I ever did take W back it would be like becoming the caretaker of a child who would be 'acting out' like this consistently from now on.