No, I cant get a legal settlement without a divorce. You have to file, there is no legal separation in my state. Once you file, it moves along pretty quickly. You have to do things by certain dates as they dont want to jam up the court system.
Once you start, there is no real turning back. Thats the scary part. H cant stall - neither can I.
If you truly feel like you cant do this anymore, then dont. There is nothing wrong with feeling like enough is enough.
The important thing here is to take care of you. Move forward and make a life for yourself. Do what you must to make yourself happy and financially secure, if you can.
Thanks for your good wishes. The waiting I can do. But I simply cant exist on my pension and his voluntary payments were infrequent,to say the least.So divorce is really my only option. That doesnt mean Ive given up. Im convinced he still cares about me very much but is nowhere near facing up to whats happened in his mlc confusion.His history is one woman after another and i cant see that changing. I hope some day he will reach out to me again but as you say I must look after myself and act as if hes not coming back.
A, You must take care of yourself, both emotionally spiritually, physically and financially. Whether your h will return or not, you still have to find a way to survive. You must continue on your own journey and act as if he's not going to return. One day, he will reach out to you, but not completely at this time. Do what is best for you now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Dear dear snodderly how I wish I could meet you in person and give you a big thank you hug.Your wise and encouraging comments over the past 18 months have given me so much comfort and support.The next few months are going to be hard. He will struggle with the settlement and no doubt feel resentment at it too. After that, when things subside, I feel strongly that he will reappear in my life. But It could be many many years ahead so I must put that thought out of my head and say right now hes gone, life is as it is, and Im on my own.I have a lot to thank God for.
A, You are looking at life through clear eyeglasses, not the rose colored ones that your h is wearing. You are seeing reality for what it is and you know what? You are going to be just fine. You are grounded and very level headed and will continue on your own path and the world is waiting with open arms to help you along.
For me, it took about 6 years before my xh began to put his toe back into my pond. Even though throughout the years the phone calls and strange things happened around my home, he was not and still is not ready to face the consequences of his actions. He's one of those that will never return to the land of reality. He will continue to wear the rose colored glasses till the day he dies.
A, once you've decided what you want to do, move forward and know that no matter what happens...you are a survivor!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Funny how you think youre ok then something happens and you start to feel sad and depressed again. Took a walk into town-seemed to be couples everywhere looking foreward to their valentines evening. Of course I began to think of him and what he would be doing with ow tonight. He never bothered much with valentines day- I used to get a card but it was just going through the motions.There has been more silence since I e-mailed him that as he had seemed to have moved on and erased nearly 30 years there was no point in my remaining married.He is very frightened I know -he told me that in the Christmas e-mail- too scared and ashamed to contact me or even open my letters because of what he might find.I see my soliciter on Friday. I would continue to wait in limbo but need settlement as retiring soon.I think about him daily (as he wrote he thinks about me every day) and wish so much we could meet just to talk. Have asked him to call me but will not contact him again now.
A, You have to take care of yourself first and foremost. Retirement is a big step...financially, and you must get your ducks in a row w/that coming up. I know it's not easy to have to make the decision as to what to do, but w/your retirement, etc., you really do need to look at the bigger picture here and know that you have protect yourself.
Yes, your h is scared to death of what he will read or hear in your voice about him and the situation. He knows that he's walked away from a good person and family and doesn't know how to fix what went wrong in his mind. Some day, he will contact you and want to talk to you. But first, he really needs to venture forth into his past and grow up. A, you've always been there for him and been the one to take care of things for him. Now, it's time to redirect that focus and take care of yourself.
Happy Valentine's Day!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Took a deep breath and went to see soliciter on Friday.She was calm and supportive and listened carefully. She is going to contact H and begin settlement arrangements. She told me not to finalise the divorce yet as if we are divorced and he dies before settlement I would be in a bad position.This suits me as I dont want a divorce at all! Still heard nothing since my e-mail. He is probably feeling guilty and embarrassed at being found out staying with OW .I read something the other day that comforted me a lot. It was posted on a board here for someone else who didnt want to divorce but had no practical option. She was told"Divorce wont stop you reconciling in the future any more than marriage stopped him having affairs." It is my firm beleif that he will come back into my life at some point-maybe just as a friend. I do believe his Christmas e-mail where he said that he thinks about me every day and cant sleep because I must think he is just getting on with life and doesnt care.He has always had no problem compartmentalising things and hiding his feelings.I am stronger by the day, the birds are singing,the sun shines,my little dog has such joy in life it lifts my spirits and God is in control.I feel I am more in control now too.
Had following e-mail from H 3 weeks ago.Feel so hurt at the cold tone,yet know at the same time he must be feeling awful. Have composed numerous responses in my head but kept silent.Its not the serial unfaithfulness and his leaving me that hurts, but the lack of communication from him after so many years.Can he really move on so readily?This is what he wrote-"Realise apologies aren't enough now. I will deal with this and let you know what is happening.
You probably know I had a call from your solicitor last week. She sounds like a nice woman. Thank you for asking her to do that. I'm seeing a solicitor on Friday 6th.
I couldn't send any money because I'm afraid I had a pretty big house bill at Cinder Road. The pipes froze in the kitchen in the very cold spell in January. Three pipes burst, the sink tap cracked open, the combi boiler was ruined and the kitchen flooded. Hired a dehumidifier to dry the kitchen and tried to keep the repair bill down by fixing as much as I could. But had to out and replace the combi boiler and tap. Had to get it done as needed to keep the house warm in case it happened again - has cost almost �2,000 to date. Am still putting the kitchen back together now. I didn't tell you because as I hadn't been able to ring you I felt that calling you just to tell you about the trouble I was having was just bleating. So I got on with it - loops within loops!
I'm so sorry Pad was subjected to that answerphone. I was mortified you and for her. For what it's worth it's not as it sounds and I am not living with anyone.
I hope you're okay.
Chris" He is ashamed. I know advice is to validate but I dont know what to do.Finances are going to be an issue or I would wait .I dont feel as if I will ever really get over this although I am surviving and trying to keep cheerful. The nights are the worst. I want so much to talk to him.Its been 20 months.
A, You truly have not had a real "closure" to the death of your marriage. None of us had that and you'll eventually move on, but to say that you will completely get over it....no. There will always be this little piece/hole within that will never completely fill up again. You'll move on to the best of your ability, you will have to...for your family and especially for you.
As for your h, no one knows what will happen and if he will recover from his insanity of a crisis.
A, I wish that I could give you a hug. It's difficult, but you will find a way to survive. Be kind to yourself, cry when you need to and then look around you...the world continues on and the merry go round of life will beckon you once more. Hope on the ride and go w/the flow when you are ready.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
