Need Help handling affair thats still going on

[kjensen]

So far the day is going OK. H is working in office. Shoveled driveway together. I asked him what he would like for dinner-I had mentionned it earlier and things he said made me think he was planning to stay over...However, after my dinner question, he siad "It sounds like you're assuming I'm staying for dinner" AAAGGGH. I guess I was! So now I'm bummed even though all day I was trying to plan for the worst...somehow my wishful hoping got the better of me. I've been reading alot of threads. I marvel that many people are at a place of calmness(for the most part), when their spouse is with a OW/OM...I'm guessing it just takes perseverance and inner strength to get there. I'm stll pretty emotional and hurting and angry. Still wishing for that "happy ending" when he says.."I do love you and I'm so sorry!" ..

[Jack_Three_Beans]

OM/OW = NOTHING you can do about it. Really. If you try to come between them they pull closer together. It is that simple. Sometimes the best thing to do is bury your head in the sand...but that's not the long term solution. Ok?

[kjensen]

Thanks Jack. Don't know if there's enough sand! There isn't anything I've done to affect my H and OW's relationship except know about it. I haven't asked about the OW so much as how my H feels when he is around her.. But we haven't talked about R or the A/OW since Monday morning. I have no idea where my H's head is right now. He has a therapy session tomorrow AM and I'm going (to sit outside I case they want me to join). So we'll see what happens. Having a hard time getting past my emotions-getting my mind to a calm place.

[Concerned_Listener]

I marvel that many people are at a place of calmness(for the most part), when their spouse is with a OW/OM...I'm guessing it just takes perseverance and inner strength to get there. I'm stll pretty emotional and hurting and angry. Still wishing for that "happy ending" when he says.."I do love you and I'm so sorry!" ..

KJ
I wouldn't call it calmness. The inner strength is about not being reactive (judging self or others, clinging, or resisting). It's OK to be emotional. It's allowing any type of weather to flow thru you.

CL

[Concerned_Listener]

Having a hard time getting past my emotions-getting my mind to a calm place.

KJ,
The idea isn't to get past your emotions, but to stay with them. The idea isn't to get to a calmer place, but to stay in the place you're in. Allow the weather to flow thru you.

CL

[kjensen]

Just finished watching JUNO with my daughters(second time we've seen it)...Of course the filter I watched it through now is so different..Juno tells her Dad that she just needs to know that two people can stay married/happy forever. She wonders how you know when you've found that someone for the long haul..Her Dad says "Look, in my opinion the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what-have-you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with. " Its hard to think your H is that person when they are going through a MLC...

[kjensen]

So, H had dinner with us than left on the icy roads for his apartment. Apologized for eating and running(but at least helped with the dishes!) He called to let me know he made it OK and then I said goodbye (matter-of-factly)before he could-he seemed slightly surprised but hung up. I worry that if I start distancing myself too much, it will send him further into the arms of the OW. He and I are best friends and he doesn't really have any other friends he talks to regularly (except maybe the OW-he says he doesn't talk much about us..), so has this happened to anyone else? Where you distance yourself and they get closer to the OW? Because right now, I'm wondering if he is having second(second) thoughts about the OW since I found out about their rekindling the affair last Saturday. Should I ask him if he's going to tell his therapist tomorrow or just stay mum and upbeat? Any advice?

[D Money]

In my situation I came to the point that I felt I had to distance for me and for her. Your H sounds like my W. Her and I have been best friends and she doesn't really have anyone else to confide in.

For me it just came to the point that it felt like she took our friendship for granted so I felt I needed to distance for my emotional health and for her to realize there are consequences to her actions.

Do I worry that it's going to push her further to the OM? Honestly I don't even think about what she's doing for the most part anymore. The only thing I really think about in regards to my W is that I hope she is safe.

If I were you, I would stay mum and upbeat. Focus on yourself. Listen to Jack. He gives great advice. Have you read the resources that they have on here?

Take care
Dennis

[kjensen]

Thanks Dennis,
Rough night with little sleep, but I did check out Bowtech's wisdom in the NLC resources. I have read several of Michele's books several times and many others over the last few months. I'm not to the point where I can not think about the OW. This is still pretty fresh/new. The separation came days after my H told me about being unhappy for years and possibly being in love with the OW. My H has reframed our entire relationship through his current MLC/depressive filter-which is a very baffling aspect of the MLC for me to understand...That he felt disconnected EVERY time we made love/had sex in our marriage(15 years). That he had doubts about marrying me from the get-go, that he felt like our wedding day was a funeral..-that last one was a justification why he wasn't going through a MLC-because he'd felt this way all along. Our marriage was actually very good/fulfilling for the most part except we didn't manage conflict well-both avoided it. He says he never felt like he could be himself(I hope this current manifestation isn't the real him). I realize the dysfunctions in our relationship that got us to this unhappy place. So I will keep working on me. I'll try to stay upbeat and positive without questions today. One day at a time. Thanks for your help!

[peacetoday]

K
I would stay upbeat and positive with little pressure
If there is a way you can talk to therapist on your own (if its your therapist also?)
some therapists will see each person seperately
I would try that route without H knowing at this point..
the MLCers rewrite history and they all say similar stuff about the M, th e wedding ect. ect

the ow..is a painful part of this
I just found out after 2 years of this
I think it was better for me not to know in some ways
it is still painful..but getting less
Ive done a session or 2 on the OW at my IC
turns out there was some childhood issues regarding sibling rivalry and thats why it was so painful for me
everthing is connected to our past
peacs