The timing sucks about the job and all the stuff going on at home. I'm really sorry.
That does sound like a great 180. You could say to your wife that you are stressed about it and maybe try and talk to her about it. Not by going in too much to your feelings, just include her a little more. Something like talking to her about what your plans are - not informing her of them - maybe ask her what she thinks? It might not work, she may not want to hear but you never know. Being positive is a great 180 though if you have been moody and hard to live with in the past - not what you want to portray now!
Here is an idea for the golf... how about you include them in the golf. It might be boring for them to watch so maybe in the evening you could take the kids to Pizza Hut (or somewhere kids like to go??) and say to your wife you are going out in celebration/ commiseration of your performance in the competition and give her the chance to come. The likelihood is that she will probably say no but take the kids and have a great night anyway!
With regards to ironing etc, yes that it good DBing so long as you keep it up and this is the 'new you'. Otherwise it will look like and empty gesture, just don't expect thanks.
Thanks for the advice, I will take your post onboard and put those suggestions into practice.
I do really think my situation is beyond salvage because I never seen her so focused and determined to get a divorce. I have not seen barely any evidence of her wavering, in fact she re-iterates what she is doing and then tries to encourage me into a discussion/argument about the divorce not going quick enough.
She is going to house sit for some friends of ours on the week commencing the 6th April. during this time I will be able to move my things into my friends house which will be gut wrenching. I therefore, have just under two weeks to show the changes I have made will stick, which in her current moood will not be long enough.
How can I try to reconcile/DR when we are living apart? I really do not wish to leave, but this is the best thing to do at the moment considering the atmosphere in the house at the moment as I do not want the children to suffer any more.
I do think she is involved in some sort of EA/PA but I have not found any proof other than no physical contact, seperate sleeping arrangements, the odd night stay over etc. I believe she is being 'guided' by someone but I guess I have to try and put that out of my mind as it really gets to me. I wonder by me not being in the house and having the children every other weekend says to her 'out of sight, out of mind' and it may also give her the space she needs to do whatever she is doing. As I have said I cannot prove this is the case, but I might be just paranoid. Could be a MLC?
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Last night my wife wanted to argue again. She bought some wall lights for the lounge which I was not really sure about. I condemplated on a line of conversation that was not challenging or negative. I then uttered to her that I thought the lights that were purchased were realy nice but I wm not sure whether they would go with the style of the room...what is your view? She then became quite angry and said "well this house won't be yours in a few months, so I wouldn't bother yourself with what I am buying". I could easily have gone into the fact that the house is still in joint names, I pay the mortgage and bills etc, and out of common courtesy and respect I should have been consulted. I didn't say anything excepr "ok" and walked away. I was seething inside but went upstairs and did some weight training to let off some steam.
On sunday I had re-assembled my daughters bed and re-made it so that my wife did not have to. Last night my daughter had a problem with the sheets, she told my wife who the started shouting "why is it always me that has to do everything around here. If it wasn't for me this house would fall apart. Mark, you are going to have to do this when I am not here (when I have the children on alternate weekend). Again, I did not rise to the bait and calmly walked into the lounge. Later, I asked if she wanted a cup of tea which she declined, I kept it all light-hearted though she questioned my trust again by saying that I lied about something or other. I validated her notion that I had told some lies but they were not meant ot hurt anybody and I have learnt from my mistakes. Shortly after I went to bed where my wife started again about something trivial which woke my six year old son. He said "daddy please don't row with mummy", I said "don't worry Theo we're not arguing". I am so concerned about my wife's tone of voice which is loud and argumentative which then gets perceived by the children as a row and I feel so hurt for the children when she is like this.
I do not believe there is anything I can do or say at this moment to get my wife to 'calm down' for the sake of the children. Even though I know that I cannot control or attempt to help her in any way and I must continue to concerntrate on me which, without trying to sound big-headed I feel I am doing quite a good job (though I do have the occasional backslide), I am concerned about the way it is affecting my six year-old especially.
Today at work we are moving some IT equipment so it is dress down. I took my wife a cup of tea, then from under the sheets she saw I was wearing combat trousers and a fleece. She asked why I was wearing casual clothes and I told her the reason. She uttered "mmmmmm" as if she did not believe me. I don't really know what to make of that - doesn't she trust me or it could be she is bothered about why I am wearing casuals and feels slightly theatened? Probably not but who knows?
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
You are doing a really great job! I'm cheering for you. Does it feel more dignified?
What was wrong about your daughters sheets? Perhaps you could ask her how you would do it better next time - show a willingness to learn. That is being co-operative.
Also, great job in owning your mistakes - the lying. You handled that really well. You can't do much about your wifes tone of voice other than to keep yours even. It'll take time for that to stop. If you tell her to adjust her tone it'll just wind her up and antagonise her. Were you downstairs? You can say things like 'let's take this out of earshot of the kids' or something like that. Or, 'I'm really willing to talk to you about this but perhaps we could do it tomorrow morning as I have a headache (or something)' probably by that time it'll no longer be an issue anyway.
You said
Quote:
I do not believe there is anything I can do or say at this moment to get my wife to 'calm down' for the sake of the children
I think you are already doing a great job of this by not taking the bait. Can you imagine what it would be like for the kids if you responded?
Quote:
She asked why I was wearing casual clothes and I told her the reason. She uttered "mmmmmm" as if she did not believe me... Probably not but who knows
You said it all, who knows. A bit of mystery is not a bad thing anyway.
DB is all about "doing what works, and throwing out what doesn't." I dunno, maybe it's just me, but I MIGHT be able to go along with the "go along to get along" strategy, IF it were working -- for the sake of the kids. But I don't see the appeasement strategy lessening her outbursts any ... is it?
I also think it's damaging to the respect she feels for you, and women tie "respect" VERY closely with "love."
To me, it would depend on whether or not I was still trying to save my marriage or not (are you???) or if I was just trying to peaceably get thru the next few months, and make it the easiest possible on the kids (similar to Mules' situation).
Thank you for your responses. I thought I was doing quite well as documented by CJC, and to answer your question Puppy I desperately want to reconcile and by trying to be upbeat, confident, cheerful etc, I thought I could get my wife to start to respond more favourably, but you're right, this strategy does not seem to be working though I thought I would give it a bit more time. I really think it looks like the end for me after last night.
My wife said to me last night one of her friends had spoken to me and I (stupidly) had asked this friend what my wife had said to her during a night out with the girls (persuing). Because I have had to endure all this pressure of not responding or rising to the bait for an argument, I lost my cool because I keep breaking one of the cardinal rules of not asking family or friends what she is thinking/doing. I cannot help myself because I feel like I am going to explode with this internal stress and pressure and anyone that I speak to just seems to end up telling my wife, even people I thought I could trust. I cannot vent to my family as they are very angry with my wife, therefore I feel very isolated and lonely.
Suffice to say we got into a huge row with my six year-old present. It was the worst 30 minutes of my life, I told my wife how I felt, I asked her why she has been so angry over the last 3and a half months. She told me it was the fifteen years of hurt - which I cannot believe, and the lies I have told. I got stresse and told her I was thinking of taking the tablets in my drawer and ending it all. She told me I was a lousy lover, I have lied to her so much over the years, there is no love left. I was so upset I said to her "you are doing the most selfish thing anybody could do". With that she broke down and cried, and said "how dare you say that after all that I have done for you and the children. It is about time I had some time for me". She then got ready and went to a friends house for some space. This was all in the presence of my son - I feel so low and on the point where I just want to break down, as I do not know what to do.
I became very clingy with my son last night as I have no physicality with anyone other than my children. Even my daughter feels slightly strange with me because I have not spent much time with her before and now it appears she is not comfortable with me. I took saffie's advice and offered to take my children for a pizza on saturday after my golf match, but my daughter said she would rather stay at home as she has a friend coming over. Now I feel my daughter is slightly drawing away from me which I cannot get my head around. I rang my wife during the time she was out last night to see if she was ok, she responded by saying "yes" and she would be home later.
I disturbed my wife and son this morning by sitting on the edge of the bed, I just feel I need to be close to them as I feel I am losing everything. This morning she sent me a text saying that by telling my son I love mummy and you two children that I am trying to drive a wedge between us and the children, which just isn't true. I do not hate or dislike my wife, I hate and dislike this situation. I have not responed to the text yet, what should I put into the response, if I should reply at all?
I now feel all the effort and time I have put in has been completely blown away, and I am now at the end of the road. She said she does not love me anymore, please tell me what is the best thing to do now!
Last edited by markhaving probs; 03/25/0907:31 AM.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
She said she does not love me anymore, please tell me what is the best thing to do now!
Don't do anything right now. Let the situation cool down and gather control of your emotions. Don't panic or wallow in despair. It's never as bad as it seems.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
I don't know if it is over for you. I do know that there can be no new beginnings without an ending. Everything in life goes in cycles. There is a season for everything. If it's dysfunctional and/or not working, then toss it and start over. Such a painful, but necessary lesson to learn. We hold on so tight to what's familiar because we fear change.
I don't know how many examples I've read on here where completely letting go of the WAS has lead to a resurrection of the relationship at a future time. It does happen. Even if it doesn't, the alternative can sometimes bring unexpected and surprisingly uplifting changes.
BTW, you never loose your family. Your kids will always be your kids. A separation/divorce doesn't change that.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
A, Thank you for that. I am moving out of the marital home in two weeks so that the intense atmosphere will be lifted from the home, secondly, our children will benefit as well. I have to have some tiny reason to believe things could be resurrected, though she is very focused and 100% sure she is doing the right thing. She says she is angry with herself because she should have done this years ago, and at me because some of the changes I have made/making have been identified but she is frustrated because I did not do them when it mattered. I am torturing myself with what I know now and what I should have done then, but I find it hard when she keeps reminding me of what I SHOULD have done. She says it is a brave decision she has made, I have validated this and said I understood why she is doing this. I should be the one that is angry , which I am not, I am stunned really and trying to keep an even keel, but she is angry all the time, and this is then propagated down to the children.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
