It's Complicated! Part 4

[glamgirl]

Oh Peace one other thing I wanted to mention was that not showing at work and for the kids is probably more about the depression than anything else. Not sure where your h is on the depression scale.

I just know now that when h was not showing and seeing the kids and would be a no call no show and he was Peace many times, that it was about depression and how he didn't want his family to see him that way.

Things really didn't start getting better until h started on AD's. He had a rough couple of days this week, but seems to be holding up the last few days. He also is very positive about his job search, where we did discuss last time that he really took 6 months before he could even start to look for work, this time he says he is ready mentally for the challenge.

[glamgirl]

Well I have been in bed most of the day. Not feeling well and really exhausted. I was thinking am I sick or just my body trying to catch up on sleep.

Late in the day h texted me and said not coming over sick. So now I am thinking that I must be really sick too. I was hoping he would watch the kids when he came over so I can just rest, but not going to happen.

I have the week off from work, but I hope I don't have to spend it in bed resting and that this exaustion will pass by tomorrow.

Not sure h will make it tomorrow either, but I will not worry about it. I wish I could just rest with No kids. Must be nice h. This is always the hard part to deal with. I am sick, but don't have a choice not to take care of the kids. It's not fair.

[Truelove]

Hi glamgirl,

I am sorry you are sick and hope you will get better soon. It would really be a shame if you had to spend all week at home.

Yes, for a mother it is so hard to just rest and relax because she needs to take care of the kids.

Take care. (((HUGS)))

[glamgirl]

Well here I sit with a headache and have been crying for hours. It was not a good day. Not even sure where to begin.

H showed up around 3pm. I had just got back home from picking up a few things. I fixed a quick lunch. Then I had to run out and pick up a few groceries.

H says take my car, so I did. He asked me to put gas in his car. While I was getting gas, I reached back to throw a reciept away and his trash was overflowing, so I decided to empty for him, since he is always doing these nice gestures for me.

Out fell all these reciepts from McDonalds for breakfast for 2 at 5am - 6am. It wasn't just one receipt, but many. They were for the last few weeks almost daily. I couldn't help that it bothered me. First of all, he was so quick about a week ago to point out that it's too bad that we are NOT on the same page with morning and night person. Now these were all at 5am. So either he doesn't sleep at all or he is up early.

No 2X4's here, I did ask h who he was with and why so early. Of course, h has a response and says he is working out playing racketball. It's in a part of town that we don't ever hang out at. Could be the case, but I am not so sure.

Anyway, it all just came pouring out and I realized I really don't know my h anymore, nor does he care to include me in his life. I have never been ok with this, but now I realize for me I just need more in my life.

It bothered me so much because here I have been going to work out at a posh gym at 5am every morning for months and have invited h and he says oh I am sleeping at that hour and can't join you, but here he has no trouble meeting others if that is what he is doing to work out.

I am not angry at my h, I am just throwing in the towel. I realzie that I just need more than he can offer. It's been almost 3 years and he can't look me in the eyes and say Glam this is where I am living, even though he promised in C that he would tell me. Then he is off early am almost daily playing racketball, which really suprises me since he hasn't mentioned it in the least. If he were really working out I think he would have said I am feeling so good now that I am working out again complaining how sore he is. At least that has how it has been in the past.

I don't really care about the receipts and who he is playing racketball with it's just the lack of caring and respect on his part. I really am only a fraction of his life and I need more now. I am amazed at how really little I know about his life now and that doesn't seem to be improving. He doesn't seem to make any effort to include me. I really don't know how to describe it other than shrugging my shoulders, feeling numb and needing more from a M. I know many will say he can't give that right now, well I can't give anymore. There is nothing left inside me to give. I am empty and feel alone.

So on Sat, he is eating McDonalds at 6am, text me in the afternoon and says he is sick and then takes off for a 6+ hour drive, so he says but he is sick and can't come over and help with the kids.

I just can't take the disrespect anymore and need things to change, but know that my h doesn't have it in him to make any changes, so I have NO choice but to move on with my life. I love my h more than anything in this world, but I am done. I am not mad at my h, he isn't capable of impoving the m right now with his limited self. I am actually very sad and grieving over the loss of our m.

Someone once said on here that when you really let go it hurts all over again and worse. I guess that is where I am at now.

I did make dinner for our family this evening and it was quiet. H said how long are you going to be mad at me. I said h I am not mad at you. Which I am not. He then asked to drive me to the bank. I was quiet. H said I guess you are not going to talk to me. I said h I am sorry, but I have nothing to say. Practically bawling on the ride. He said no reason to be sorry.

He dropped me back at home and said goodbye, see you on Tuesday.

With that I have a splitting headache and I am sure my eyes will be puffed out like frogs in the am. I am also feeling some mild chest pain, which is not unusual for me when I am stressed.

I will be ok, I just have to make plans for my future now whatever that means. In many ways I feel I let my h down, my kids down, myself and even God, but I am human and life is short! I am so sorry, I really wanted to be a success story here to encourage others, but life took it's toll on me mentally and physically, but it doesn't mean my stand wasn't worth it. I learned lots and have a finer appreciation of life and God!

[naej]

Hi Glam, I am sorry to read your post and a little suprized but you know we all support whatever decision you make.
You alone know when enough is enough and you have been amazingly patient for years.
You haven't let anyone down so stop those thoughts right now.
Life is short and I have always maintained Life is a gift from God and not to be wasted or squandered.
Sometimes we do have to lift our head out of the sand and face reality.
H can always catch you up if and when he decides, right now he is living his life,so live yours to the fullest whic can only truly be done when we let go.
All the very best to you, you deserve so much more than crumbs.

[Upside]

(((glam)))-
I know that feeling of being done but then I somehow seem to get sucked back in. It is okay if you are truly done...and it is okay if you choose to continue to stand. Whatever path you choose is not an easy one.

naej is right, you haven't let anyone down. If everyone who has marital problems put as much effort into saving their marriage as you have, there would be far, far fewer divorces. You have been patient and tried your best to understand what your H is going through. When you just can't understand his actions, that can really hurt.

I am sorry for what you are going through right now. I wish you the strength you need to take whichever path you choose.

(((HUGS)))

[plentyhope]

Dear glam, I don't really know what to say. I understand your pain - truly I do. ((((glam))))

[2gthrButApart]

I'm too new to offer wise advice, but I know from the posts you have sent me that you are a very wise strong woman. I hope you feel better and find the brighter side really soon.

(((HUGS)))

[glamgirl]

Naej thank you for your kind words. It's really not about my h anymore, but about what I want for my life. I am sure that the reciepts were just icing on the cake that just put me over the edge. For the past few months I have been feeling like I just need to get on with my life.

I don't expect my h to understand. His answer is always defensive and well Glam then go find someone else. Rather than Glam I want to work on our M, we are stuck right now what could we do that would show a committment on my part?

I don't see any of that. In fact I set-up IC for h and he didn't follow through. I think that would have helped with anger issues. I just felt that we were at a standstill and nothing was going to move us forward. What is the incentive for my h to move home? There isn't one. He seems content to continue as is.

Yes, I could continue to dig deep for more patience but something just came over me inside and I don't have the strength or the desire to stand any longer. It doesn't mean I can't be friends with my h. I hold nothing against him nor do I have any ill will towards him. He is actually a very good man and father.

My eyes are swollen today from crying. I truly am very sad. Not sure how to shake the sadness, but thanks everyone for your kind words and care. I will get through this one day at a time.

I just got a call from h's boss. I did not answer. He left a message out of concern for my h. I hope my h is ok today, it sounded like his boss had not heard from him in a few days. I really do care about my h and only hope for the best for him, but right now I need to care for myself.

Last night h washed the towels and he said Glam I washed the towels in YOUR room. I am sure h meant nothing by it, but it all just takes it's toll on your soul one word at a time until there is nothing inside to give back, but an empty broken shell of a person. You can only be blamed so much until you litterally fall to the ground paralyzed and powerless unable to move. That is how I feel! I felt I was fighting a battle that could never be won!

[glamgirl]

Now I just get a call on my cell with the same area code as h's boss. I don't think coincidence, but no message was left. I will not answer as this is h's issue, but I do pray he is ok today.

I certainly didn't mean to put more stress on my h's plate than he already has. It was not my intent.