Got a message after posting -evidently H did notice that we ended the convo today without any resolution. H wanted to know where we were on the R since he had planned a movie and I already had other plans after our convo. (My plans were - yep you all got to me! - just to relax at home - it actually surprised me that I said I things to do and meant it.)
Anyway, H asked me to call back to straighten things out. Hence my frustration is always that nothing ever gets resolved when we talk even if we don't fight.
Last night I noticed I walked away from lunch with a tension headache despite having a slightly elevated mood and feeling of hopefulness. I spent the evening thinking about that split. The thought of having to call and talk again about where we are - just creates more tension.
Part of me wants to forgive and move forward toward working on the M, while obviously another part thinks that it was clear from our talk yesterday that we are still at the same point - only just not arguing. We are still wanting different lifestyles. Although in one way we both agree that the kids father should be taking more responsibility. (Like the fact that when he rented an apt after our D and wanted shared custody -but he didn't get an apt that accommodated the three of them - only two. So he has never been in a position to have them live with him.)
Hey Kassie, it is frustrating not to resolve issues. One thing I learned about reading the book Controlling People, is that sometimes for people it's not about resolving the issue. It's about the pseudo issues & how one can be in a power up situation over the other. Maybe this fits your sitch ?
Take care.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Well, we talked this afternoon and it felt too pressured for me. I finally admitted something to myself and then made it clear to H - that part of me does not want to work on the M. I find H to be too difficult to talk to and reason with - on many things. He is too overwhelmed to take care of himself let alone help someone else out. H says he wants to change, and I told him to do so because it will only benefit him in the long run. I guess I am more surprised than he is about my view at this point on the M.
I will keep my mind open to the changes I see and hear him making - and I do see them. But my body tenses up which tells me that now is not the time.
Will keep you posted with updates. Don't know what I am going to do at this point. I am keeping my options open too.
((kassie)) just following along. You're in my thoughts.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Hey Kass. Remember there is no rush to make a decision. There are a few hurdles to get over first.
Hang in there.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Kass, there will be a time when you feel that you CAN make a decision. The pressure is on you at the moment as H is feeling lost. He knows what to do and needs comfort. It's a good thing that you aren't quite ready yet as I don't think he is either. He will think he is all good and nothing will sway the determination. Comfort will though. Old slippers are very hard to throw out.
Things are starting to look positive, for both of you. He is making progress with himself and you are too. Whether you meet in the middle is too early to say, but keep on the path.
I need two kinds of help: the first request is for the men to translate the following email in male language for me,
"Hi. Thanks for the weekend.( we just talked)I learned a lot. This is what I learned. The reason that I have been back and forth with this R is for the same reason as you. (not) Half of me wants to go back and the other half does not. That is why I want a divorce on one hand and do not on the other. But, what I have learned this weekend is that we are not on the same page -we never were. What I mean is that I have no say in what goes on in this R. I have to accept the way things are in your home and in your life or not. I do not accept them. I had no say in what brought things to where they are now in you life - meaning before you met me. And I do not accept your life that way it is now. So where does that leave us.. Right now I can not go back with you any more than you can go back with me. It has taken me a long time to see this(this has always been his view)but I finally have. AT some point we will have to talk about a divorce. For now, both of us going our separate ways is not only the best things that we can do but is also the right and health thing to do for both of us."
The second thing I need from everyone is some support. When I first came here I was very sad and lonely. Having people to talk to and support me helped a lot - I stopped being sad and started to do things again. Lately, I have been swimming in my own thoughts and world again which is not always a good thing.
Kass...that email gave me the chills. Your H writes alot better than mine does but he always had those same thoughts. He completely blamed you for the demise of the M. I may be wrong, but he takes no responsibility for anything...at least very little. Its all about you and your lifestyle.
One time a therapist told me that exh says things like that so he avoids confronting and dealing with his own issues and guilt.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
That email could have been written by either male or female. I don't see a gender slant in it anywhere. It does tell me that H is not shouldering any blame for the demise of your M. It is a very selfish letter stating what he sees as facts. If his thoughts were always the same (ref: we never were) then why is he now talking about what is acceptable to him and from my point of view, expecting an apology and changes to come from you instead of him. He wants to take everything back to before you met and if you are not willing to change, he can walk away telling everyone that he offered an olive branch to you. (a very dirty second hand one)
He tried the "I need help with my therapy" angle, that didn't work, you didn't fall over and beg him to come back last time you met, so this is his next shot across the bows.
I don't see anything changing even if you never respond to this at all. I feel he will think for a while and then come back with another try.
How does it make you feel Kass?. I ask that, because I see it as an attempt to break you into taking the blame or becoming harder and colder towards him so he can tell everyone how you acted.
Keep swimming Kass, there's a shore out there somewhere with your name on it!
