Separated but keeping the Faith

[PortlandDad]

It sounds like she expects you to bend to whatever her plans are without any regard for what your plans happen to be. I can definitely see where some better communication skills and practices would help in your sitch. Did you ever communicate the fact to your W that you were going to be going out of town for the weekend? If you did, and she just called you up to blow your plans away, then it might have been better to call her on it and just say firmly "I'm sorry, but as you told you earlier, I will be out of town this weekend, and you agreed to take the kids."
The only way I can see that she would do what she did was if she just has no regard for your plans, or if she didn't know you had plans.

It sounds like your conversation went well enough... right until the end, perhaps, but it sounds like she might be willing to work on communicating better. It also sounds like doing that would be a 180 for your sitch, too. Maybe you could suggest a seminar or C to help you communicate better? Even if she was still not interested in salvaging the M, you could use the pretense that working on your communicative skills would be a good thing for your post-D relationship with the kids.

Of course, if you are still interested in saving the M, any improvements that you make together are a "good thing". Hang in there and keep us updated on your sitch.

[jaguilar]

It's tough hanging in there. I used to think a good day was her calling and just hearing her voice. But now I don't know if it's just so she can keep tabs on me and keep me at arm's length.

That's one thing she and I do agree on, we don't communicate with each other. No, I didn't tell her I had plans, I didn't think I had too since she was going out of town with the kids. And now expects me to watch the kids like I’m her babysitter. I just don’t think she hears herself. I do see now that she is trying to take advantage of me. My goals going into therapy was to...

1. Create/work on our communication
2. Learn to be my wife’s friend and then best friend
3. Learn to be a husband to my wife

Her only reason for going to counseling was to prepare the kids for the divorce. I know that she is aware that LMFT’s don’t do that unless you are already divorced. What’s so frustrating about this is that she deals with kids 0 – 3 that have mental and physical disabilities. She sees the problems/abuse that these kids go through and it seems that she is blind to what she is doing or has done to our children.

You see she told our kids back in August of 2008 that we were getting a divorce. I told her that I did not want a divorce, that we could work it out. As usual, we didn’t agree on anything and she told our kids anyway. I was in shock when she dropped the bomb. I should have stepped up and said something but I didn’t. I couldn’t believe it was happening. My kids were devastated as well. Then a few days later, she’s crying on the couch. I asked her what was wrong; she said that she never had an attorney, can’t afford to move out and has no money what so ever. I was angry and yet happy that she shared her frustration with me. And yet I questioned her as to why she would tell the kids. I told her that we could make this work that we would have to be patient. But then she started to get antsy as the weeks went by and threatened to leave me and take the kids and not tell me where she would be going. That’s when I panicked and moved. I can now see that is when she realized she had the power. I was miserable in my apartment. Things were going ok, she asked if we could have Thanksgiving together as a family. It was fun but I was trying to control my emotions. During this time, we would go out to the movies as a family. If I said no maybe I shouldn’t go, she would get upset and tell me the kids really wanted us there. So I would go. And it was lots of fun, the family going out. I guess too we didn’t know what feelings we were experiencing or how to act and then it went downhill again. She kept asking me to go back home for Christmas with them. I had to work and she went on ahead. I really missed my kids and her during that time. It sucked. Anyway, I did something very stupid and the cops were involved; there was no jail time. Just some BIG TIME embarrassment. I told her what had happened and now she says she can’t trust me. That she was considering getting back with me or at least trying.

Again, the C told us that there again, was no communication to share how each of you were feeling. That’s key to moving on or working on your marriage. I just don’t think she understand that. She’s told me occasion that I’m not the only hurting. She hurts too. But I tell her that I really don’t want to hear what she has to say. Maybe I should listen? I don’t know…

[PortlandDad]

Telling her that you don't want to hear what she has to say is at the root of your communication problems. You need to learn to listen and validate what she is saying. Validation doesn't mean that you have to agree with what she says, but you have to show genuine concern for what she is trying to get across. If you aren't in the habit of really listening, it can be very difficult, but if you want to not only save your M, but really improve it, this is one skill that is critical.

Which DB techniques have you used and have they been effective? Which GAL activities? 180s? It sounds like your W is sufficiently fogged and confused about what she wants and/or how she wants to go about achieving it, which suggests to me that you still have a fighting chance if you can develop a game-plan and stick to it. Key to that plan is LISTENING and VALIDATING.

[jaguilar]

I'm on Chp. 6 of DR. I really haven't applied any techniques other than to put up a good face, stay strong and positive in her presence.

Before December she told me to be myself. I try but always catch myself trying to say the right things or trying not to say the wrong things. She'll invite me into her aapartment but I just don't feel comfortable going in there. I'm always talking about communicating; at least she will email or text. That's better than nothing, right? I'm not sure what I should expect in return.

Again, this is all so frustrating to me.

I did watch Fireproof last night. It was surprisingly good.

[jaguilar]

Debating whether to call a DB Coach.

[PortlandDad]

Do eeet!
There is nothing like having one of those guys or gals in your corner.

[K4D]

I did the DB coaching. If you will do what they say and stick to it, it is very beneficial. However, I think its like $390 for 3 sessions. If you can't afford it and I don't know what your financial situation is, there are also great people on here that can give you just as good advice.

For instance 25yearsmic will give you the best advice any DB coach will. She is excellent. I'm sure you have seen her post on mine many times. She is long and thorough. If you do what she says, you will be doing what a DBing coach says to do.

Feel free to post on my post and ask her to read your post and help you out. She will get frusturated though if she does help you and you don't follow her advice. She has blasted me on more than one occasion for not following through with her advice. And I can tell you had I listened to her, I would probably be better off.

Kevin

[jaguilar]

Thanks Kevin for the emails, that was good/helpful info.

I just got off the phone with her. She called to ask me if I had an Under Armor shirt for my sons tee ball game. She is taking the girls to do a walk for her work and I'll ahve my son. It's this type of behavior that cinfuses me. She'll call or text to see what I'm doing and at times. It makes me feel good. Other times it's frustrating beacuse she starts to tell me how to take care of the kids. I've been taking care of my kids for as long as I can remember, daddy has always been there. I guess by her saying it makes her feel like she is doing something special.

But anyway, we talked and it was pleasant, nothing special. But I do need to put my foot down. She was supposed to have the kids last weekend and then she changed plans.

{Last week} I had plans for the weekend and she basically said I was the babysitter and she was tired because she has them all week. So it's my responsibility to care for the weekends. I told her that I had already made plans and she said that I would need to find someone to care for them. I got so angry and frustrated that I started to cry. I told her that she knows that I would drop everything for those kids; even if it was for five minutes. And it's a shame she can't do the same.

So today was nice but still, it bugs me that she makes plans with the kids on the weekend and after we had this talk last week. I don't think she realizes what she is or has done to us or the kids.

It's sad how many times the kids get put in the middle. How many times has a spouse said what about my feelings? Did anyone ever think to ask the kids?

Tequila Shots anyone????

[FitChik]

So it's time I go for a run. I always think about Forrest Gump, "I just started running." LOL - makes me feel good and too tired to worry about anything else. My goal is to run a marathon in November.

I can relate to that! When I go for a run, the distance I run usually reflects my current stress level :-) and I am not much of a runner! A marathon is a great goal.

Thank you for your prayers on my thread. It means a lot. I will also keep you and your family in my prayers. I will be following along with ya...

Oh yeah - I'll have a shot with you!

[jaguilar]

Hey FitChik, I'm right there with you. I've never prayed so much and lit so many candles in my entire life.

I ran in high school but didn't really get anything out of it. Now I feel good about running and I have something that motivates me.