Hi, welcome, thanks for your comments and perspective. There's a lot of info in previous threads but I will summarize for you. This his second attempt at sobriety. The first one started Memorial Wknd '07. He went to meetings 3-5 times a week and I went to alanon at least 2 times a week. We had a great 6 weeks while it lasted - and a hellish everafter since. Altho, I can say that he did try to control his drinking often during the year. At the same time he became more difficult to live with.
This time, he immediately began attending daily and sometimes 2X a day. I think he is only doing daily now. Had a temp sponsor first month, got bored with the meetings, and then had a terrible breach of confidentiality with a priest and was referred to another sponsor. This sponsor redirected him to different meetings where he feels he is learning and this sponsor makes him call 2 or more times a day. The other thing I have some confidence about this sponsor is that his former sponsor was a friend of the real Bill W.
I also have confidence in the IC because I know him very well. He is fluent in D/A issues and MH issues which my H has both. He also was our MC and my IC before, and my son's IC, so I know what to expect. My H doesn't connect well with C but I know he liked this man before.
You can read my prior post to SO2 about my timeline thinking. I am so confused at this point. I want to be there for my H, it is my total nature to be there for people, but I feel strongly that this is something he has to do on his own or it won't happen. I hate being on the side of this and I might be wrong. But his sobriety is far more important to me than our R. surviving this. I want him to be OK, I want him to really get to a point where he can enjoy life with whatever time he has left whether it is with me or not.
I on the other hand, am admittedly a mess of emotions and bad memories. I want to work things out, but I am tired of complications in my life at this stage. I want peace. I want to enjoy what time I have left. I still have to get my older kids out on their own successfully. I am not quite done that job but close. I am tired of caretaking and I think I will vent that one in a separate post so as not to detain you too much further.
Any additional comments are welcomed. Obviously, you see the other side and it is easier for me to hear it from you than him. I also wonder if you need the same?
I am tired of caretaking! I took care of my father when my mother argued with him and threatened D.
I took care of my mother after he died one year later and almost gave up on life.
I took care of my brother while my mother felt sorry for herself and drugged herself up to numb the pain.
I went to school, bought the groceries, made the meals, took care of the car, did my homework, cleaned the house, and did the laundry.
I got away from home, and took care of kids' who experiemented too much, the VN vets who had nightmares and daymares. I stopped others from suicidal attempts. My roommate was a groupie who brought well known Rock bands home for breakfast while she caught up on her insulin shots and I lied to her father about where she was.
It was a long time before I married because I was so tired of taking care of others. Then the children came and guess who took care of them? while I worked? while I went back to school? while my mother was dying?
And after the D, who took care of the children? who took care of the house, the job, and everything else that happened?
I finally find happiness and he ends up turning my life upside down. He wants me to be there for him - my kids expect me to be there for them, my exh expects me to be there for the kids while he gets to do what he wants to do.
And anyone who knows what it is like, knows the list goes on.
Does anyone care what happens to me?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
I am tired and I guess it is up to me now.
I'm done now. Sorry for bending any eyes, ears, whatever...
I may have to be quick tonight as the baby is not real happy and ready for bed...
but, I think our H's are a bit different and a bit the same. Yes, they are both A's, but mine is in complete denial and tries to find ways and people to further his addiction. There is no sign of recovery for him yet. Maybe someday, but not yet. I have no idea what it would be like to live with a man in program and recovery. Every time my exh attempted to quit drinking it would only last maybe a month at most and he was white knuckling it. He refused to go to a program and get real help. Still won't.
Looking back I wished I would have done something sooner. I waited way too long and gave way too many ulitmatums and threats that I couldn't back up. Life with him was a living hell when he was drinking and even when he wasn't because he was mean and angry because he was fighting the addiction.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Kassie it sounds like you may be going through some of the same emotions as my wife. She was never sure how seriously I took my addiction and sobriety. Our MC at the time told me this and I was shocked, I was doing everything your H is doing and thinking how could she not know...Well I never told her, like your H I wanted her support.
One day I decided to write my wife a letter telling her that my sobriety was the most important thing in my life. It was a very hard letter to word and my IC helped me a lot. The jist was that wo/sobriety I couldn't have anything else no W, no family maybe and very possible no life.
Now obviously my M is still not good, but now at least my wife has gone from I won't ever trust you again to just having some trust issues.
Maybe you can ask your H, when it seems right how important his sobriety is to him. If he tries to somehow involve you remind him that it's his journey and with or without you he has to take it.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
I am with you on the caretaking, I have tried for too many years to be there for everyone and please and take care of them all at the same time. What do we get for our efforts?...more trouble. It sucks.
I have vowed that for the time being, the only one I will REALLY take of is me. I will let others fall and make their own mistakes and hope that they learn from them. If they don't, I'm not there anymore and they will have to fix themselves.
It's a nice place to be....first for once. You know what as well? I don't feel in the slightest selfish about it. I just figure it's been overdue for too long.
Place yourself 1st Kass....without you, they will learn to cope and be better for it.
Well, I know it is important to him, but he has been here before. He also doesn't ask for my support but rather insists that it is my responsibility to him. He gets angry and controlling when I don't do what he wants.
I appreciate your feedback. I can see that your sobriety and M is important to you and that you love your W and family. It is good to hear someone say that. I will send my positive thoughts and well meaning prayers for continued progress in your M.
Well put Kassie...and VD congrats to you! After being through what I have and I am sure Kassie would say the same, its nice to see some success in this disease.
Kass it must be frustrating when your H makes it your responsibility to support him and help him sober. Remember the three C's from Alanon. Wave your pom poms from a distance.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
OK, H called asking to talk already. I could hear the frustration in his voice but he did not insist and he did not threaten - he just listened. My shock! I had plans already to fill the day but offerred to call when available. He was ok with that. Shock again!
The plumber kept his appt -so I got a long standing problem resolved there, but my lunch/coffee meet up with a friend fell through. So I called H and explained that my plans changed and did he want to meet after his IC. (the IC office is around the corner from my house and H lives on the other side of town.) He said he did.
We went out for a late lunch. He was blown away by something in the IC session but didn't want to talk about it. We had a polite convo during the meal and started to talk. He still wants to work on the M, and means to move back in with my kids. Shock again. I asked him how he figures he can stay sober and do that, when all I heard from him for three years was that it made him drink. Response: I didn't like the sitch, it was an excuse for my drinking, but did not cause it, my drinking caused more drinking. I can't drink anymore unless I am prepared to die. That is not a choice for me. So, I took the risk of telling him that my problem was how he treats me. Response: I am in a better position to treat you a whole lot better and I think I can.
Obviously much more was said but that is the nutshell version. I did point out that it didn't make sense to me that if he is still having difficulty with the idea of living with my children and he is... and admitting he made a mistake in getting M,... I had to wonder why bother at this point? You could stay where you are and move forward in your life and not have to deal with me or the kids any further. He seemed to feel that I was making a good point but he wants me.
What did bother me and I let it go today - is that he was not willing to discuss resolution of any problems I have brought up til now - like the car issue. His reasoning was this: we shouldn't discuss things that tear us apart if we want to try to work on getting closer. I feel two ways about that one. Any feedback from others on this?
By the way, he asked me to go to watch a movie but I told him I had too much to do - he seemed surprised but didn't push it.
I have told this a lot here and I am trying. That venting the other day was one of my efforts to shout it out without getting into trouble. I thought if I reminded myself how long and how much I do, similar to what Smartcookie did the other day, I would convince myself to shut down for the night. It worked.
