Jayce's thread

[diane74]

(( Jayce )))

I finally sat down today and caught up with you stitch here. Sorry it took so dang long.............. but, it made me think of one thing that I think I completely missed. Has this lack of wanting sex ONLY come up in the last 15 months ? So it was OK before then? If so, ooooooooo and wow, so sorry to hear that, and no wonder you were so adiment about finding help.
I thought it was more like me, and oh my, I can imagine the hurt you must of felt when he told you about the ED. OUCH!

Perhaps this will be a starting point of sorts. I don't imagine he's proud of keeping it from you, but maybe it was also his way of burying his head in the sand until it maybe got better on its own, which it didn't. ((( Ho Hum, MEN! )) :P

(( hugs )) Ill be back soon tc until then, always thinking of you

[Jayce]

Bagheera, no it wasn't fun for you to be in the way of a volcanic eruption like that. I keep thinking that if it were me with the problem, I'd be doing everything I possibly could to fix it. But I'm a fixer by nature. He's a hider by nature and a bit of a quitter. He kind of plays a sympathy card in a way when he does the hangdog stuff about being sorry cuz he upsets me. I don't feel one bit sorry for him that he feels bad for upsetting me. Jeez. Especially because he's done it so often & knows how not to do it.

Got a little more into Resurrecting Sex. Found out I'm doing the right thing. Standing up for what I want, how I want to live and through both of us being out of our comfort zones we'll find new ways to deal with it all. Standing up doesn't get me out of my comfort zone, the fear of going without sex the rest of my life sure does tho.

We'll be off to sunny beaches in Mexico in 4 more days. I'm hoping its not a replay of 5 yrs ago when we didn't ML the whole week. He kept falling asleep at 10. He doesn't seem to get that's what vacations, getaway weekends are for, besides just a change of scene. Wish us luck.
Jayce

[Jayce]

Stillhope, I haven't read your posts and don't know what your sitch is, but if you can say something like "running off to wifey" it tells me a lot. "Wifey" sounds like someone you pat on the head and tell her not to worry her pretty little head. Or worse, a mommie who dispenses band aids for sissy little boys who skin their knees & cry. NOT the life partner & soul mate whom you respect & love more than your own life.

Your wife better be the first person you tell. As guys age, they don't always get erections from thinking about sex like they used to. They need touch. They have to tell their partners when that happens. Why? Because the absence of an erection will make her think she doesn't turn him on anymore, or he's not interested in her for whatever reason. Ya think things will go downhill from there? Like a herd of bobsleds!

That is not really ED, however. ED is when it either never comes up or it isn't firm emough for penetration and it happens more often than not. Then you get into worrying aboaut the morning condition and wondering if it still comes up during sleep. There are tests for that. There's a whole depressing questionnaire (available on line) that evaluates the level of difficulty, so to speak. Then there are visits to the urologist, tests, fears of a bleak prognosis. Just asking the family Dr. for a script may be all one needs, but the first time that nifty little pill doesn't work, you get that herd of bobsleds again, all setting world records.

Getting thru something that serious is a team effort. That means you tell your partner the truth and make sure she understands its not her fault.

There's a list of "Why women think their husbands stopped having sex" in a book called "When He's Just Not Up for it Anymore" that'd break your heart if you knew how women feel. Out of 22 reasons, I thought about maybe 8 of them. ED wasn't even on my radar. But his being angry, depressed or not finding me attractive anymore were my top 3. Like a belt across the gut with a ball bat that went on for months.

So, guys, when it happens to you, tell her and tell her she still turns you on & its not her fault. And yes, she'll know something goin' on & be worryin' about it long before you think about telling her. Cowboy up.
Jayce

[Jayce]

Hee hee-let's see, where would be the best place to do that? After teaching swimming for years & working in fintness centers, the problem is, guys who shouldn't wear tight shorts always seem to and guys who should never do. LOL
J

[Jayce]

Hi Diane, good to hear from you.

H has never been HD. Kinda medium I guess, sometimes seemed pretty low D. Several years ago he started a brief discussion of our sex life & we both agreed it was about a 4. It immediately became a 2. Mostly from doing the same boring stuff all the time. Then there's the part about the goal oriented guy who's able to be done in 5 minutes and the woman who takes quite a bit longer aaaannnnnnnnd the myth of the simultaneous orgasm. Coulda fixed that way sooner but he wasn't all that experimental.

We revived things a bit after awhile, but sometimes I thought he didn't feel it was worth the effort. We were OK if infrequent till the beta blocker & OK when the dose was reduced. When I went on the Lexapro not knowing it hindered orgasm (Thank you so much, stupid shrink) it was that much less satisfying for him thinking it was his fault. So we got out of the habit. Eventually I was off the Lexapro (by then I knew about the effects)and started making an effort, losing more often than winning. When we went 2, 3, then FOUR months without, I made noise about it. Then in Dec. 2007 he said he didn't have a libido anymore & didn't care. He seemed flat & depressed. But he knew why & didn't tell me!! Evidently he didn't know about needing manual stimulation w/the mental arousal. I used to playfully reach for him sometimes, but he'd duck it if he wasn't in the mood. If I'd had a way to know he was aroused but feeling not able, (reading his mind would have been the only way)it wouldn't have been a problem to do that.

I know he read some stuff that was new to him in the book but he wouldn't say so. One thing he's positively certain about now, if he didn't know it before, is that I love having sex, need to, and want to, and have no strings or tradeoffs about it. He won't suffer any humiliation or rejection from being turned down. Ya think I made all that clear enough in all the arguments and begging this past year? Even after he tried the pills I told him I couldn't figure out why he didn't initiate, after all he knew I'd never turned him down. He admitted that was true. Little did I know, he was still worrying about "performance". By that time I cared more about being asked than the quality of the experience.

So here we are, still muddling along with the damn TV on Sat. & Sun nites till 10 or 11 & me holding my breath. I skipped the stable Sun. & talked him into the sack in the afternoon. (YIPPEE)Turned out good in two ways. The three girls I ride with Sundays got ticketed by a mounted park ranger for going off trail into the woods that'll cost them $139 each. YIPES!!!!!!Good think I was in bed instead

We're off to Mexico Sat. I'm hoping we'll ML this time. 5 yrs ago we didn't. It was a great trip except for that. He was ready to sleep by 10 every night. Not a party animal LOL
Thanks for the hugs & thinking about me. I think about you a lot also. ((( ;)))) to you, too. I might have time to be on before we leave. If not, I'll be back around the 6th.
Jayce

[Cinco]

Hey "big sis" have a great time in Mexico! Maybe you can shoot for an afternoon "delight" instead of waiting until night time... just a thought. Don't drink the water... Oh yeah you've been there before so you already know.

Cinco

[Jayce]

Yes, Cinco, I thought of that ;). I try that at home, too. Sunday I got lucky & once a few weeks ago.

Then there was the waking him up in the middle of the night thing... Oh, forgot. That was when my ex was 21 and he thought it was a good idea, too. I don't think any of us appreciated the frequent "fun" we had when we were that young. Never believed it when people said it wore off some as you got older.

Anyway, considering the cost of being in the hot sun for a week, I'm guessing afternoon stuff won't be an option unless its raining, LOL

The place we stayed last time had a secluded adults only pool. That made for some interesting sightseeing. Sorry, girls, no penis watching. If any of the guys were nude it was under the waterline. I figured goggles would be too obvious, so I didn't check. Not that I thought the guys didn't have the guts, I just assumed they didn't want sunburn in a vital area to spoil their fun. Right, guys?
J

[LG nm12]

(((Jayce)))!

Welcome back!! Saw your note to Diane.

How was your trip? I hope you had fun. We missed you around here!

Lucky

[Jayce]

Hey, LG, Mexico was great in some ways, average in others. Weather was hi 80's, no rain all week. Iberostar was similar to Palladium where we stayed 5 yrs ago, but smaller. Food wasn't as good but bar had better liquor. Being close to Playa del Carmen meant shorter ride from Cancun airport & shorter rides to excursions. Went horseback riding including into the ocean Mon & Thurs. Went into the water twice each trip. It was a blast! Most fun thing I've done in a long time. H doesn't ride, so he stayed at the pool enjoying the bar & the scenery.

H didn't pack bathing suit in his carry on as we did last time. (They hate when we remind them, then ....)We got to the resort 10:30-11:00. Check in 3:00. Could have gone in the pool if he'd had his trunks. I had my swimsuit & thong sandals..... We did get into our room around 2, but in the meantime, his back hurt from the plane ride, he was hungry (always an epic tragedy), and CRABBY as all hell. Went to restaurant nearest the beach, lunch, snacks not exciting. He wasn't comfortable walking around the place, so he napped as soon as we got in the room. Still crabbing. (He chose the place so he couldn't get mad at me) I went to the beach for the rest of the afternoon. He was in a good mood Sun. & ML in the afternoon. ML once later in the week, but then I didn't expect 2nd honeymoon. Mood swings all week from crabbing to being nice. I just don't get him sometimes. When he's in "little boy" mode, he's awful. His "grownup" is OK.

In a week or so I'm going to suggest getting his back checked as the Dr. told him to do. It affects his L leg, he never walks up straight, and he can't do anything fun. He might have gone on the ATV ride thru the "jungle", but the bouncing would have killed him. I'm guessing he needs to have his "partially herniated" discs fixed. He's known about them for 20 yrs. I'm afraid having pain off & on so many years will cause the pain to be chronic even after the discs are fixed. Why are some guys so stubborn about taking care of themselves? But as restricting as his back is, its always a ready excuse for something he doesn't want to do.... like ML sometimes.

But Mexico was good. Lounged in the sun, read 2 books, tried Mojitos, they're pretty good. Got a nice tan. And wasn't even close to being cold the whole time I'd go again in a heartbeat.
I'll catch up w/you guys over the weekend.
Jayce

[LG nm12]

Jayce,

I'm glad you at least had some fun for yourself!

I've heard (I know NOTHING about it, so I'm just bringing this up) that chronic back problems like herniated discs are linked to a strain on mental health. Have you read/heard of anything like this? Maybe it would explain why he is so darn crabby.

Glad you're back. Hope you had fun penis-watching on the beach!

: )

Lucky