It's Complicated! Part 4

[glamgirl]

Thanks all for the support. I really need it to remind me of what's important and to keep forging on.

I called h today, no answer. I left him a message and asked if he would be over today.

He sends an e-mail later in the day and says no, but that he would be over on thur and fri. Then 2 min later he says he will be over for dinner tonight.

Then early evening, he says too much work and that he was not coming. I took the kids out for dinner since I was exhausted today.

I was given a few more projects today that have critical deadlines. I am taking next week off, so need to finish all that is on my plate.

H and I still have jobs. H's will finish soon. Mine should be safe until May for now.

Well we will see what tomorrow brings. It's interesting when h is severly depressed he doesn't call only e-mail or text.

Peace I will check out those resources.

[dl443322]

GG, I am sorry your h is struggling so. As someone with depression and anxiety, I know how he is feeling. He needs to be in close contact with his doctor. It took 5 different meds and three dose adjustments before my doctor found the right combination.

I forgot, is your h in IC? That is so important. Just keep letting him know you are there for him and no pressure. He might need to be alone more right now.

Hang in there, my friend. You can do this! Dont forget to take care of you.

[happynow]

Hi Glam,

I just wanted to say hi & I'm thinking about you!!!

(((HUGS)))

[peacetoday]

GG
Your H cant make up his mind ...
just try to take care of yourself
hopefully he will realize more after this part of the crises is over
keep your
faith..you have done an amazing job being there for him
peace

[glamgirl]

Thanks everyone for your support.

Now h was in better spirits on Thursday. He called and said I am outside your work, how about lunch. I was busy and couldn't join him for lunch, but came outside from my work and said hello to h and my s7.

H called a few times while I was working, got haircuts for the kids, did a little shopping and then took us all out for dinner.

He came over today even though he was over 2 hours late from when he promised. Said he overslept. Once again though he was in a good mood. He took me to a work function and then let me borrow his car later when I ran some errands.

H's job will probably end soon, but h seems to be ok with it now that he has processed that his life was consumed with his job. He even said it wasn't worth it since his health and family has been suffering. It has been nice to see h more involved and not so wrapped up in his work. He also realized the importance of family.

Don't know what the future holds for h and work. Depending on his work, he might be spending time with us next week. We will see. He will be over on sat in the afternoon. This will be the first sat he is spending with us in a long time.

[Silent Chrleader]

Hi, Glam.

So glad your H seems to be doing a little better. Wish I could say the same. The past few days have been absolute doozies for me and I'm in complete shock. But, I am happy for you, my friend! You deserve all the joy life has to offer, my friend! Really!!!

[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]

[theotherhalf]

glam I just read this and I feel like you tore a page from my life today and pasted it here...

"Peace there was a questionable ow. H denies anything, but don't they all. Regardless he was spending time with her and money in ways he should't have considering he was a m man. She was in my h's life for around 2 years that I know of.

I really don't know for sure that she is out of my h's life now. I can only hope and pray that my h realizes she is not someone he would want to continue to have in his life. I am sure she meant nothing to my h over the long haul. I really cound't see that happening long term, since she really did not have much to offer in attraction or qualities.

What I did Peace is just stopped dwelling on h and her. I stopped bringing her up with h and stopped allowing anger and resentment towards my h to hold me back.

What I did start doing was thanking h, showing respect and admiration towards him. I brought out the love and kindness. For example, making his favorite meal when he would come over, calling and asking if I could pick him up something at the store. Showing my love regardless of how he treated me. Now Peace this went on for many months without hardly a thank you or acknowledgement.

I was about to give up, then one night about a year ago h asked to meet me for dinner. We had a nice convo and from there h started having different feelings towards me or acting differntly towards me. He wasn't so distant and cold. We started to spend more time together, date nights, no R talks. It wasn't great, but it was a start.

I also prayed daily the hedge of thorns prayer and eventually h moved closer to home. My prayer was to have him move from where he was and I was thinking of home, but God had another plan. He moved him closer.

Peace it has been baby steps. It has been rough. I have felt like giving up, but I know how much I do love my h and know that the old h is buried deep inside, but is starting to resurface a little at a time."

and what has been going on today. And like you said it doesn't "feel" right in my heart.
"Peace I was dark at times with my h, but that didn't seem to go well for me. It really created more distance between us and in didn't feel good in my heart.

I do realize that some need to go dark to heal. What I did do though Peace is I really only called my h when I really needed to. Mostly because he rarely answered or called back. That hurt me more than anyone could imagine. It just made it feel like my h just didn't care at all, so for me just answered when he called and called only if I needed to.

As we have grown today, he answers mostly or at least returns my call unless he is in a deep depression, so we really have made some good progress this past year. "

how do you keep the faith, where do you get the patience?

"He acts like he loves me and kids, but not enough to spend every day and night with us. "
Unfortunately this is not true in my sitch. I feel nothing from my H right now. I've noticed a tiny new interest in the girls, but other than that nothing. If anything I feel like going semi dark with him has just made things easier for him to continue on with his life and still making no changes. I don't really thing any more that he cares if he loses me or not.

Sorry for hijacking glam. Your post just struck a chord in me. Thanks for listening.

[job]

Glam,
I'm glad to see that he's feeling a bit better, but they do have their ups and downs during this period of time. Accept him for who he is right now and if he's having a bad day, it could be the meds or it could be he's fighting w/himself or the workload is stressing him. It's difficult when they are swinging to and fro.

I do hope that all of you enjoy your Saturday together. Glam, it's going to be okay....he just needs more time to finish up the baking process.

[peacetoday]

GG
Hope today is fun
OH
Thanks for your post
It is such a tough decision which stragey to take
this dim/dark thing seems to creat these huge walls for us too
It causes me pain and H also is affected in many negative ways
like not showiung at work, not visiting kids
I dont think it will work
but there is part of me that really hates H right now so it is hard to DB and have a plan
but the 2 years we had with DB didnt bring him home although it was peaceful and he hung here a lot more
just cake eating?
so im at a loss
I apprectiate your suggestions
sorry to hijack
peace

[glamgirl]

TOH it truly is a tough situation that we are in. We will never know if this works or that works, but you do have to have lots and lots of patience and to ride things out. I am not so sure that it makes things easier for them, what I do think though that it makes it easier to return.

If you don't have that warmth and love they will never be able to come home and feel safe. TOH don't sell yourself short, I bet your h cares, he just can't right now. He is torn, with his own crisis and can't return right now. That is why it is so important to love them from a distance.

TOH I can say that is takes itty bitty baby steps. What you and I would think how quickly something should be resolved it's not that way with our h's. They can take a step and jut to get to that step it could take months. That is why you need to decide if the stand is worth it.

I would think that after a year of C and h saying he loves me and yada yada yada that he would move home, but NO. Unfortunately I see that far in the future. So now I must dig deeper and still have no guarantee.

Peace it truly is so hard to know what direction to take. I just followed my heart. I remember reading here over a year ago and some said go dark, go dim, no contact just be loving. I was torn. I started to read MWG's thread and something just clicked. I decided to be loving, but that has been a long cold lonely journey as well, but it has brought my h the closest to coming home. He also has been affectionate and loving, which prior he was cold and distant.

I have also read many R books that talk about love, respect, appreciation, and admiration. That is what I tried. I think it's working for me, but I have to tell you it took many months of this before h even gave me a thank you, so it's not like you can try something and say oh that didn't work. I think it was like 6 months of doing this. I was on verge of saying forget it and then I did something really nice for my h and he called and wanted to meet for dinner. Now it wasn't an R talk at all, but just h talking about himself, what jobs he was applying for and asking me what I thought. It was the first time, my h enjoyed my company in a long long time.

Thanks Snodderly for your wisdom. I did go back and read the mlc resources that you mentioned. They are helping me to stay focused and shed some understanding.

H was actually very nice yesterday. When he was leaving s7 said dad when are you going to start sleeping in the house? H's response see you tomorrow. I feel so bad for my kids they just want their dad here like all the other kids in the neighborhood have. I feel bad that my family really isn't a family. Not in the true sense of the word. I was actually quite suprised h let me borrow his car. He seemed so non chalant about it and said why wouldn't I let you borrow it? He drives a mercedes and said he was suffering driving it, since what he really wants to be driving is a cadalac. I just said h I can take that car off your suffering hands and laughed. H will be here some time this afternoon.

No worries of hijacking that is what these threads are for.