Separated but keeping the Faith

[jaguilar]

Hey,

My story is the same as everyone else's. I've been married for 14 yrs. We have 3 beautiful children, 2 girls and 1 boy. Our big blow was back in June of 08. I got a text message from a friend I had been seeing but stopped after a while. She saw it and it was all down hill from there. I wasn't the same, I was caught off guard and couldn't get a grip on our marriage or my life. We had been through alot in 14 yrs. She had suggested counseling but I was against it. It seemes that we were never on the same page. When one of us would try, the other was just being stupid. We've both done some really stupid stuff to each other, I'm sure she had an affair or two. I have some proof. But I don't care anymore, arguing about the past never made anything better.

I moved out back on 11/01/08, then moved back into the house on 01/31/09. Then she moved out. I've been in the house since, I fought off foreclosure and now have to figure out how to keep my house and keep seeing my kids.

I have read the book and it has been a HUGE eye opener. In my opinion, all of our problems have been for a lack of commuincation. We were just being ignorant. And now we've hurt our kids and family.

One of the biggest problems I had with her was when she told our kids we were getting a divorce. The kids were devasted. Then to find out, she had no money for a divorce or monjey to move out. But here is the thing, I knew we would work it out. But I guess by then she was considered the walk away wife.

Sh seems to have associated herself with single, youger, friends and divorced folks. I've been the opposite, hanging out with married friends and trying to keep a level head.

I've prayed, lit candles and am trying to stay as positive as possible. My kids help to keep me going on the sstraight and narrow. I don't know what I would do without them. I've lost over 60 pounds since this whole ordeal. I guess that's one good thing. I do have trouble sleeping at night, worrying about my wife, the kids, sit up at night praying and thinking.

It just amazes me to see how many of us have the same stories. It's mind boggling.

I want my wife back. I want my family whole again. I'm just taking it one day at a time. Please keep the faith, don't stop praying.

[working on me]

Hey keep up the fight for what is right, I fully your strength and bravery.

[LR1]

jaguilar,

Keep the faith, keep DBing and you will get some good advice here.

[jaguilar]

Thanks, I appreciate you guys. She's been calling a lot this week. I've been very nice but over doing it. It's just hard trying to prepare yourself for divorce and the possibility that she may come back home. With my work hours, I can only see the kids on the weekends. It used to be ard because my mind would wonder and I would start to get myself going, who is she with, what is she doing. I'm getting that part of this ugliness inder control.

I did retain a lawyer back in ay of 08. I only did it becasue she told she had a lawyer since 11/07. When I gave her the attorneys card, she was floored. I ahven't spoken to the attorney since then. Well this past week, I fired the attorney. I told my wife a month ago that I was not filing for divorce, had no intentions of doing it. Personally, I can't work on myself and hope she comes back to me and still work with an attorney, to me that just doesn't sound right. I've been up front and honest with her but yet, still playing it close to the vest. I don't know maybe a dumb move, but it's wehat I feel in my heart.

So right about now, I start getting down on myself. So it's time I go for a run. I always think about Forrest Gump, "I just started running." LOL - makes me feel good and too tired to worry about anything else. My goal is to run a marathon in November.

Thanks again friends...

[jaguilar]

I do have a question. In the beginning, she stated that she wanted to see an LMFT (Life Marriage Fanily Therapist), so I picked one, But she wanted to see one to prepare our children for the divorce. I wanted to see her so that we could learn how to communicate and start to become friends and move on from there. We found out a lot on the first session but since then she has not been going. I think she is afraid to go but I still want to go because it feels good walking out of that office. When the appointments are scheduled, I'll send her a text letting her know when the next appointment is, she will repsond with an ok or thanks. She has said that she does want to go but not for the therapist to get us back together. I know that she is aware that an LMFT or any other therapists job is to prepare your kids for divorce. So I just take it one day at a time and move forward. What do you guys think?

Joey

[jaguilar]

Well all last week she was in a good mood. Always texting and checking on me, not sure what that was about. I tried to keep a level head. The other day I got some papers about our house, it was in foreclosure and it was stopped. She knew I wanted the house and then she said she wanted the house, it went back and forth until I moved out and then back in. Now she won't sign the papers because she doesn't want to be financial responsible for the house. Thing is, she didn't a dime towards the house when she was in it while I was gone.

I don't get her and now when we talk she's back to email. What bothers me is that she was supposed to take the kids out of town for spring break. Now she says she can't go and that I have to take care of the kids on Saturday so she can go to a wedding. I told her that I had plans on Saturday. So now she is back to email and just loves twisting my words around. Getting very frustrated.

Its been hard but I do not call her or email her. She is very quick to call at least 3 or 4 times and not leave a voice mail. She'll text me to call her ASAP and I try to wait at least an hour or so. To me its not the way to communicate.

[PortlandDad]

It does sound like communication is a big part of the problem in your M, both by your own admission and by seeing what you two are doing. What exactly is your reason for not taking her calls? I understand if you are trying to show that you are independent and not acting clingy and such, but it sounds like this is more of the same kind of behavior that has landed you here in the first place?

Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems to me that maybe opening the lines of communication and, at least, taking her calls might be seen as a 180 on your part?

[jaguilar]

Yes, I was doing just that. I'm just trying to show her that I'm doing fine. Another reason is when ever I call her, she never picks up or calls in a timely manner. It's as if she is calling all the shots and I can't top anything that she trhows me way.

But I guess I'm hurting myself by not acepting the calls too. This is all too confusing.

Communication is one huge reason we're in this whole mess. Now she communicates when she wants too. I know I shouldn't be that way, two wrongs don't make a right. I should know better.

[PortlandDad]

I've seen this posted here in the forums in some other threads, and I think it is appropriate for you and your sitch...

Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?

Think about this: not talking to her doesn't show her that you are doing just fine, it shows her that you don't consider her important enough to talk to. That isn't the way to show her that you value her input, and it isn't validating her feelings.

You might want to try taking her calls (maybe not on the first ring), but if she wants to drag you into a fight or into a long, pointless conversation, you can gently interrupt her and say something like "Hey, I hate to have to cut this short, but I've got [something/someone] that I really have to [get done/speak to] so let me call you back when I can." That puts you back in the drivers seat to call her and lets her know that you are doing fine and life is going on normally for you. If you do this, however, make good on your promise: call her back at some point, or she is going to feel that you are being disrespectful or forgetful.

[jaguilar]

Well I took her call yesterday. She had planned a spring break vacation last month with my cousins ex wife and her kid. Last week she tells me of her plans. I told her that I knew because the kids had told me about the trip. She said that they were leaving on Thursday of this week. I said great, have a great time. I had already planned an outing with some friends. Since this whole mess started, I have been with the kids the majority of the time, and it is very rare that I go out. If there is a chance to be with the kids, I will forgo the chance to go out, so I can be with my kids. Monday of this week, I get a call from her and she tells me that plans have changed and they are not going out of town. She has a wedding to that she must attend (her words) and that I need to come and get the kids.
I told her I apologize but I had already made plans for the weekend. She then got upset and started throwing jabs at me and saying that it is my responsibility to watch them on the weekends since she has them during the week.

{Let me go back}

The current jobs I have require me to work afternoon to nights. I had worked out an agreement with my mgr to work days for 2 weeks out of the month. That would leave me working the afternoon/midnight shift 2 weeks out of the month. March 1st, my mgr tells me I have to work my regular shift no exceptions. Of course, I'm upset but a job is job, I still need to be able to provide for the kids and myself. But she thinks I’m either making this up or trying to pay her back. I don’t know why I would pay her back like this; it’s stupid that I would not see my kids on purpose.

{Going forward}

So I was getting frustrated because she started saying that she was doing all these things for the kids and I was just a weekend dad. Of course that kills me but I’m doing the very best I can with the situation and also trying to look for a better job with better hours. So I tried to talk to her but she kept having this condescending tone and throwing jabs. She said she will not talk to me alone; it will have to be in a public place. I told her ok, please come by next weekend and plan on taking any/all the furniture you need. And if you need to call your attorney to file a motion/p-petition in order for me to get the kids this weekend, then so be it. I told her that I was tired of her attitude, her always questioning me and yet she wants to get off with no questions asked about her where abouts. We somehow got to talking about how all this mess started with a misunderstanding which led to not communicating and then BAM this huge void of no communication and trust. I also explained to her that this is a two way street and we cannot go on like this forever. I think I was able to get to her for a second because she acknowledged that I was right, which was a first. We then talked for a bit about nothing which was good for a change. As we ended the talk, I just asked her to be willing to listen and communicate with me. I told her that I was not a mind reader.

I did give her a heads up that I might be going out of town in April, she replied; make arrangements to have someone watch the kids.

UUGGHH!!!