It is his night to have them but because it is Spring Break he wants them to spend the night. When he brought it up this weekend, I said it really isn't necessary. He said he knew that but it is what he wants. (No mention of what the kids want in there). I am just torn trying to do the right things by the kids and trying to encourage the kids to be with their Dad when he is not putting them first the way he should.
I was going to tell you...D8 was so cute last night when I left you a message and said this is kat, she piped up "But Mommy, I thought your name was..., why did you say you are kat?" I said honey that is just a nickname, I am still ... It was too cute.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Hey, had a mini break through, while posting on another thread, I just said I believe in love. How huge is that? I may not find it right away but I am going to again. Love, may not be all I need, but definetly something I want!!
R2C, right back at ya. I can always use a hug.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Ex is nagging me about parenting time yet again. I don't think he understood much of what I wrote just last week. He spent a part of his e-mail explaining why it was fine to have OW around them, so they can all get to know each other.
I sent an e-mail to my L to see if I HAVE to give him more time. I really can't afford to go back to court especially with the B looming. I just think if he actually was just with them and not on the phone with her when he is supposed to be with the kids or having her come over or conveniently meet accidentally on purpose, I could see the kids happily spending time. It is the "have to" issue that burns me up.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
He spent a part of his e-mail explaining why it was fine to have OW around them, so they can all get to know each other.
Good on the email to your L. I don't see why when you both did your divorce and they decided the parenting time already, you should change it now. Wouldn't your X have to bring that to court for changes to be made since he's the one that wants changes? And if your kids are against it as well I don't get that. Karen
I haven't heard from either L yet. But hopefully will by the end of the day. S13 was talking to me while I was loading the dishwasher after they got back from Daddy's. He said Dad was acting all nice and everything so they new skank was on her way over.
Well she shows up and he wants them to all sit together on the couch and watch this movie. Like one great big happy family!! BARF. He will never get it. S13 saw right through all of his manuevering and said "like that will ever happen".
D8 said something so sad the other day. The AT&T commercial came on where the Dad goes on a business trip and she gives him her stuffed monkey. Shows all these pics and then the Dad comes home and she is soo happy. D8 said, "This commercial is so sad." I asked her why and she said "that little girl's daddy comes home and mine doesn't." Just about broke my heart. Quickly gave her a hug and got her distracted. Of course she would never say that to her Daddy.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Hi Kat...I decided to come over to your thread for a response.
I'm just about crying to read what is going on here. But sadly, I've seen this type of thing before.
In my own case, maybe because I am a mommy or maybe because I am a child of divorce, I just never ever put my own selfish stuff before my kids'. I always made sure their needs came first, and their needs included my TIME alone with them, my attention, my adoration on THEM, etc.
Sadly, when I was married, I also put their need ahead of my ex-h's needs, that was one of my biggest marital mistakes. But my point is that even though I used to be a cheater, it didn't make me also become a bad parent. I don't think the two things go hand in hand in all cases, but maybe I am more of an exception. Maybe most cheaters have other flaws that will cause them to not be great parents.
My ex-h has lots of siblings, and a couple of them began affairs, left their wives, and then married their affair partner. My ex-h's parents were never divorced, so when his brothers left their wives, they had no experience with divorce. BOTH of the brothers said many things like "oh the kids will be just fine, what's the difference to them as long as I am happy?" And when confronted with the fact that the rest of the family was not going to be happy that they ditched our beautiful sister-in-laws to hook up with these skanks, their response was "but its MY family, they will stand by ME".
They were both wrong. The entire family hated their new skanks (and yes, that is actually what they called these new wives, LOL!) The family stood behind the ex-sister-in-laws. Their kids were not "just fine". All of the kids are grown now and having lots of issues. They did grow up fine in some ways, their mothers made sure of that. But they basically lost their fathers to a skank. There is no way that this cannot be traumatic to a child, boy or girl, no matter what age! Even a divorce where there is not a new partner involved is hard enough...but to throw this on the pile is just devastating to a child. I don't envy your position, because you will be the one who gets to deal with the kids' issues as they move through life and never really get over what their father did to them....
So my ex-h came from this dysfunctional, non-divorced family which LOOKED like the perfect Brady Bunch picture. But it wasn't. And his brothers actions really proved that to me. My own ex-h, well he was no saint either. He was behind in his child support when I met him, and I should have known what this would mean to me as his wife...yet I was only 19 at the time I met him and bought his lame excuses for being late on the support. What a champ. In hindsight, that was all I ever needed to know about him.
I know I was the one who cheated, but seriously, there are many things that he did to me and to our children that I don't drum on about very much in public forums. This is because I still have respect for him as our children's parent and I still hope for the best for him. But honestly, no one in my family nor any of my friends ever felt he was a good father or even a good person. I know that's no reason to cheat, but I'm just saying that it wasn't like he didn't contribute to our problems in a much bigger way than I normally disclose.
I wanted to say too that I have been where you are with the bankruptcy, and it was horrid. I was married at the time and my ex-h didn't do anything to help me with it, just stood back and watched me deal with it all and pretended it didn't affect him. Thanks, ex-h, for letting me do all the hard work, once again. But hang in there Kat, it DOES actually get better once the thing is filed and done.
So in closing, all I can say is that - thanks to your ex-h and his new skank - you have a future full of kids having issues on your hands. I will pray for all of you. Eventually it will be better than now, but there will always be things in your kids' minds and hearts that can't be erased.
If one day you meet a new man that you feel is worthy of marriage, I will pray that he can be a father figure in a healthy way to them! That has been one big blessing from my finally leaving my ex-h....I met the man of my dreams who ALSO ended up finishing raising my son with me. His own father abandoned him, apparently to punish me?, but his new step-father is more of a man than his father ever was, and my son actually DOES say this out loud to me now....one day your kids will tell you straight to your face that they now understand what you went through, what their father did to them and to you, and they will appreciate you directly for how you've handled it all.
D8 said something so sad the other day. The AT&T commercial came on where the Dad goes on a business trip and she gives him her stuffed monkey. Shows all these pics and then the Dad comes home and she is soo happy. D8 said, "This commercial is so sad." I asked her why and she said "that little girl's daddy comes home and mine doesn't." Just about broke my heart.
Great. That's the SECOND time this week one of you people made me cry.
Ok, now you have me about ready to cry. I think the only way I have made it this far is by breaking it down though I am a big picture sort of person. I also who have great parents who have been supportive but I have tried not to lean too much on them. I have kept alot of it close to the vest. I didn't even tell them that he moved out or was having an A until he filed a year ago December.
I didn't want them to think the worst of him in case it did all work out for the family. Instead they were shocked that the kids kept it in so well. My parents haven't spoken badly about him except once when my Dad was so upset about the B and ex still owing me back alimony.
But I do feel better about day to day stuff. I don't talk to ex anymore than I absolutely have to. The kids talk with me alot. S16 said all of his friends adored me and thought I was doing a good job. I know they aren't parents but they can see me trying. It meant a lot to hear that.
Thanks for everything you said. All of our married life I never tried to speak badly about him and it is hard, even now, to take down all the protective barriers. But really he doesn't deserve them, they will be coming down.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Now you know what it is like for me. But they do keep talking and I have to keep those lines open no matter how much it hurts. They are getting it out. I would give anything for them not to be going through this, honestly I would but it wasn't up to me.
How I deal with it all now is. Ex was an only child and never even tried to understand sibling rivalry. He was a better parent than his Dad but that isn't saying much. He did work his tail off for us but once he knew he would have to pay me more with his second job, away that went. When faced with B, he easily could have picked up a second job to make up the difference or we could have worked it out somehow, but he chose B.
And now with the kids, he thinks he can ask for something and I will just give it because I am basically a good and kind person. Well, if he was actually trying to work on his relationship with just the kids, fine but he is working on forcing a family. He really is a heartless POS after all.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
But they do keep talking and I have to keep those lines open no matter how much it hurts. They are getting it out. I would give anything for them not to be going through this, honestly I would but it wasn't up to me.