What's next???? The adventure continues!!!

[AFWAW]

Ok,
didn't get much sleep last night. I need to settle down and make sure I don't push her away by doing the wrong thing. My daughter was in a better mood this morning so hopefully she'll be ok. I'll keep an eye on her. I don't know what to think about last nights interaction. I can only hope that it's positive and hope that the wife really means what she says. We'll see.

[Mellenmack]

I hope she means what she says, too.

But there is a ways to go before you should let her move back in with ya'll. Obviously, the way things were working, wasn't working. Ya'll will have to agree to make those changes, then live separately having made those changes, and then discuss becoming a family again and how it is going to be before I think you can let her move back in. Otherwise, you have the same old marriage, and the same old marriage didn't work before...it would be crazy to do the same thing again. These are things, that when she decides she wants to work on the marriage, you need to talk about. That things can't go back the way they were. Period. You can't get mad and kick her out of the car anymore, no matter what she says, as much as you may want. There's just a certain level of trust there that the person you married, no matter how mad they are at you, still loves you and is not gonna leave you on the side of the road. I know you are not that person anymore. She does not. It was an isolated incident, yes. I can't go back to the nights upon nights of drinking and I shouldn't have to. She should be able to trust that you love her and won't leave her no matter how pissed off you are or she is. I think maybe she felt a little bit abandoned? not sure about that. maybe just always questioning if you always loved her or not. as we all do.

Broken Open, the book, I'll say it again. We all have to be on this journey. We are going to be better people for this experience. "Take the evil in you and rechristen it into what is best in you" I made a poor choice. But I am a better person now for having made a mistake. I hate the mistake. But I don't hate who I am now. I live more...truthfully. I say thank you now. I take the time and I am truly THANKFUL for every bit of kindness people show me.

Have a good day. I'm happy for you!

Melissa

[AFWAW]

I hope she means it too. And you're right, there is work to do before she could move back in. On top of that, I know she's not ready. She admitted last night that she had been far from perfect as well. She is not trying to pin everything on me. The kicking out of the car thing happened in the 90s and I have never even contemplated anything like that again.

What's that saying that I keep seeing on this board?

I'D RATHER BE MARRIED THAN RIGHT!!!

That's where I am at this point. Do I have issues to work on? You bet. Does she? Absolutely. The rest can be worked out slowly as not to overwhelm her and me for that matter. I love this woman and don't want to lose her. I know in my heart I want to spend the rest of my life with her. After 15 years of my time and love, how could I not at this point? Anything else would be absolutely insane! So, I need all the help I can get to not push her further away than she already is. I am currently reading No More Mr Nice Guy and have a lot more books that I have to read and will read to continue my growth.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

AF,

I'd strongly suggest some mutual transparency and some individual boundary-setting be communicated between the two of you. You know what they say about "the definition of stupidity" -- "doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result."

What would be the two or three boundaries of personal integrity YOU would want to lay out moving forward? What would be hers?

I think the "NMMNG" book is excellent. I'd also suggest the two of you go thru the book "His Needs, Her Needs" by Harley, and perhaps do the exercises together.

Puppy

[AFWAW]

Puppy,
What do you mean by mutual transparency? And I know what you mean about repeating history--I don't intend to do that. I'm not sure about the boundaries question either. Would you care to make some suggestions?

Thanks,
John

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Mutual transparency would involve the sharing of daily schedules, open e-mail accounts (each have each other's passwords), financial info -- EVERYTHING. Marriages can't thrive on secrets, and each of you should be completely transparent with each other.

Boundaries are intensely personal, and only YOU know what they are. These are the "dealbreakers" -- the things you simply cannot abide lest they violate your own personal integrity. They are about YOU, not about HER (that would be "controlling").

Puppy

[PortlandDad]

Just catching up after being away for a few days:
AFWAW, I'm so happy for your current breakthrough! That is just awesome! As Mel points out, though, and it does bear repeating, the roller coaster is still in motion. Keep your expectations low, and expect that there will be some shifting in her position, too. Until the two of you are at home and dedicated to piecing, it is all just words (albeit very encouraging words!)

There is still work to do, both on yourself, your W, and for your D, but It sounds like you have the right mental attitude about all this. We are pulling for you!

[spellfire]

You already read N.U.T.s, right?

Maybe re-read the first section. Those unalterable terms are your boundaries. I agree, a few new ones might be in order, especially with regards to your daughter, and protecting her from your W's indecision.

Keep us posted and don't do anything rash. The more you post about things you are deciding on, the more objective feedback you can get.

Ready yourself emotionally for a potential pulling away for starters. You don't want to overreact to her testing you.

Please do keep working on yourself no matter what happens.

[AFWAW]

Puppy, Portland, Spellfire,
Thanks! I am going to take this as slowly as possible as not to make her run away again. I'm still not going to talk about the relationship until she is ready. I'm going to have a PMA now and mean it. This glimmer of hope is huge for me. I can actually think straight for once. Will it be tough to continue? You bet. I miss her very much and want her home now. Is that going to happen? Probably not today. But hey, it may take a few months. We'll see. As far as the boundries are concerned, I will reread N.U.T.S. and start writing stuff down now so when the relationship talks come, I will be prepared. And I know, I still have a ton of work to do on me. I'm going to the gym this afternoon. I think I would be more of a mess if I didn't. I'm still way too excited though and way too anxious. It does feel much better though than what I was feeling yesterday. I hope and pray she continues to think this way towards a reconciliation. Keep praying for me please!

[AFWAW]

Ok, not exactly the night I hoped for. My wife only bought two tickets to the show we were supposed to go to and didn't realize it till we were in the car. She said, you and D go. She said I'm so disappointed and so sorry. Ok, I can see where it was an honest mistake. She gave me a couple of kisses so I felt a little better. Talked to her on the phone on the way and found out she is off Friday and so am I. She said why don't we get together and have lunch and see a movie. Ok, sounds good and she's the one suggesting it. Sounds great in fact because I want to spend time with her. Went to the show and D enjoyed it and I did a little too. Had my D call the wife on the way home to tell her how the show was and the wife wanted to talk to me too--that's good. So, I am hoping that the wife just needs her space for a little while and then will make her way home. Told my D to get ready for bed and she comes out of her room crying just a little while ago. I said, what's wrong? She said you know--I asked her if she wanted mommy to come home? She said yes. That's sad. I really hope my wife gets through this quick and brings her butt home as my D and I miss her very much and need her company. I think my wife is missing us as well. I just hope it's more than I think.