So now the question is, if I want to save my marriage (and that's a big if right now), does she just need time? Will she ever figure it out and really respond to me?
I can't say. I'm still trying to get my own soul straight.
Keep doing what you're doing...you get good advice here. I know this got kind of long and drawn out by me...I just wanted to make the point that this wasn't an "ordinary" affair IMO, and that the manipulation she went through will have its effects.
Time definitely heals, as it does with everything. Listen to your friends here.
I even avoided going to my mom's house because it killed me to not be able to tell her the truth when she'd ask where W was.
That's what I feel. Almost like I'm the one that had the A and lied to everyone. And there's something wrong with that.
Hope I was reading your posts and HAD to comment. WHY is the above so true? My Wife may be keeping it inside but outside she shows no shame, no remorse
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Didn't hear from W much yesterday. When she got home I sat down with her and thanked her for being open with me Saturday night and how I knew that was hard for her. I also said I had a lot of stuff to process but that I appreciated her discussing it with me.
So after that, she was fine. Talking about her day, talking about our trip, etc.
She started watching Dancing with the Stars so I went upstairs to watch T.V.
This morning she's a b*tch. Wouldn't talk to me at all this morning. I just sent her an IM to ask a question about S20 and I've got 3 one word replies. I told her I was busy and I hoped her day went well and I'd talk to her later and she didn't even reply.
So WTF? Is she hurting that much from this crap and us just talking about it is that much of a thing to put her into this kind of mood?
Man, just when you think you're making progress she goes into a funk again.
Oh well, such is my life.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Was it because you left when she watched a show she likes? Is she feeling like you are getting your needs met, but she isn't? I don't know. You have to ask her.
Could just be hormones. I'm not kidding, hormones can change us from one moment to the next. I can even feel myself, at some times during the month, saying/doing things that I know I shouldn't be saying/doing. My H calls me on it. It's not necessarily the time of the month you would normally think things would happen either.
Ask her. I know a thought that persevered in my head for a while was that I was so angry that "my husband MADE me get to a place in my life where I felt the need to seek someone else for love". I placed blame on him, and it was wrong. But, when you are so angry and hurt and facing what you have done, these things come up even if it isn't fair. I thought, "Why couldn't he have made me feel special?!!! Why did he treat me like I didn't exist as a woman???!!!" These are the things that I had to work through slowly but surely. These are things you'll need to communicate. That's why Sara recommends Retrouvaille to you. Communication is big and you and your wife have a hard time with it. She does especially. Some people don't get what they want out of Retrouvaille, but communication is the main component of it, and you guys are needing that right now. SHE needs it for sure.
I don't think she's trying to punish me. Personally I think she's struggling big time. I think she realizes she f'd up and when she doesn't think about it for a while, she's fine. Then something reminds her of what happened and she's in a funk that shows itself as anger towards me. I think with the way she was Saturday night, she's probably facing her demons. Like Break posted to me, you feel so foolish, so used, it's tough to face. I can imagine that last night was the first time she had a chance to be alone and think about it. I imagine that when we talked and I asked her if she knew about him having A's prior to her and she acknowledged she did, that that might have been the first time she saw it in the light of what it really was. Some other things I said probably made her come to the realization of what it really was.
And that's got to be hard to take.
Maybe there is some anger with me because she could now be thinking "where was this person when I needed him 2 years ago?" and that's where the anger comes from?
Who knows?
I hear you WDID when it comes to the communications. I get it. I really do. But with her comment that she's always had trouble opening up to me, I just don't feel like it's the right thing to do to push it this minute.
I plan on some time this evening saying to her "I'm here if you want to talk". No pressure. No forcing the conversation. Just give her the chance to open up if she wants to. If she doesn't want to, then I'll leave her alone.
She's got to figure this out on her own. And if there's some anger involved because of my perceived faults and/or her own issues, I can deal with it.
Thanks for the comments.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
