Here's another AMEN! to not abandoning ME. I started this journey last year, it resulted in my giving H a choice. He chose to drink instead of staying and not drinking. While apart we tried to keep the R going but the same continued. And I learned that with the space I found it easier to seek my space out when things got tough. After five months of the same I went dark. A few weeks later I was called to the hospital - they put him on the phone and he refused to talk to me - I called the next day to check on his status, found out he left AMA and let it go. He has been sober ever since that night. 47 days now. I am still dark because everytime we talk he brings up the same arguments so rather than argue, I choose to be absent and set an example for what I want. The important message is this - I am gradually seeing more clearly where I still the work on myself and healing apart from him and our M. There is a lot of anger between us and a lot of hurt. Good for you to begin the process of healing yourself. We need to keep supporting each other because it works.
Today we were doing some spring cleaning and H found my book The Verbally Abusive Relationship, by Patricia Evans. He is PISSED. Calm...but totally pissed off. He made a few snarky comments...I'm ignoring it for the moment. Finished up what we were doing.
He's out right now with one of the boys. I am sick to my stomach. He'll be home in a couple of hours and he usually starts drinking by three o'clock. I have money and my car keys in my pocket in case he starts causing trouble.
I walked the dog and when I came back he'd gone out. He's working on a home improvement project, so maybe he needed something. He's drunk. He seemed pretty close to rage when I left. He said if I think he's an abuser then he's going to start acting like it. He's going to start being the way I think he is.
I agree - he is under the influence of a drug that causes him to lose all control of his thoughts and behavior. You should do what you can to be ok - separate yourself from him in some way right now. Ignore what he said - would he say it without the alcohol?
When he is sober, I might suggest that you let him read the book to see what it says. You have nothing to hide and it may help him to see what he might be doing that he could change - empowering if you want. No point arguing with him about it - either offer it to him or leave it alone - its a book.
Before my separation, it was recommended that I find places to go when my H was drunk so that I wouldn't have to be exposed the c**P that comes with the anger and drinking. I didn't like the advice but it actually helped. Sometimes I took a book and read in a scenic parking lot - sometimes I went to a movie, sometimes I went to a friend's home - a walk with a phone to talk it through with others, sometimes just sat on the phone with others while he was there - then I looked into motels, hotels etc in the area - it all helped me to be ok and realize that I had to take care of myself first. When I came home - he would be passed out on the couch and i could go to bed with quiet and comfort. Taking care of me. Make some plans.
