Keep breathing and keep thinking straight and with your kids as the priority....great job there. It's very hard to do when your heart is in your stomach and your head is spinning, you've stopped eating and sleeping like a normal person. So truly good for you for keeping it together. Next, I think you both need to realize she has to make her happy and you need to make you happy, then you can come to the table and talk about the relationship. When each of us is the main source of happy in our own lives, it makes it much easier for everyone else around us....there's less pressure on our loved ones to make us happy, which they can't really do like we can. Hang in there. You are doing amazingly wonderful. I am very impressed. Today, you are my hero!
I love what you said in #4. You really understand what this is all about. A little of both sides. You are so right about it. Hopefully she will be able to have that discussion with you, I think you are really growing here. I admire what you are doing and how you are doing it!
Well thank you for the encouragement. Today was not a great day, but it was far from our worst. Most of the day she was not here and for the short time that she was I was working on my work for class. Things got bad when she called and said she was taking the kids to see a movie and then thought I was mad at her. I told her I wasn't, but I couldn't hear her. I tried to call her from the car, but she didn't answer. I assumed that she didn't hear her phone (sometimes she can't hear it inside of the car) so I called back a few times. Finally she answered and they were in the theater and she had to drag the kids out into the hall with her to do so. I apologized and didn't realize that they were going to the movie right away and just needed to ask her if she had deposited a check so that I could get gas.
When I spoke to her later on my break, she was telling me all about the bills she paid with the tax return, but it was back to this "mine" and "yours" talk. I answered her questions and left it at that.
Like I said, it wasn't a bad day, but not a good one either. The way I see it, we'll have plenty of days like that divorce or not, so I'm not about to let it get to me.
But other than that, I'm doing well. I haven't brought anything up to her in regards to the D since the lawyer debacle and I'm going to try to let this ride for another week or two. That'll give me time to feel things out and reorganize my plans.
As far as #4 goes, I'm planning on having that discussion with her eventually. She doesn't seem so solid planted on the D road right now, but I'm confident enough in that to rock that boat yet. There is so much that we could do to plant ourselves on more stable and solid ground, but it has to be a team-effort. But if she is wavering on the fence right now (which is how it appears to me), I don't want to open my mouth and push her over the wrong side. Right now I need to concentrate on myself, doing a lot of praying, and spend a lot more time listening and watching than speaking. (which in case you can't tell from my long posts, I have a hard time with.)
I hope we all have normal, no-drama weekends. I think we all deserve it! I hate the dance too, when things are great and you think there is progress and then POW to the face. They seem to really not like you too much.
SLH- I second that! However, I will tell you that when my wife and I used to fight our relationship was a lot stronger. It's when the wall went up and everyone stopped fighting that things went south. At the time, I figured she was okay with everything because we weren't arguing. Classic WAW.
My DB coach told me to read a book called "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It". READ IT!! It's amazing and has helped a lot when it comes to understanding husbands and wives, men and women. I have given my copy to a friend that I swear is following me down the path that got me here. I hope she takes it to heat before she joins me on the Board here. Is it strange for you to look back now and think Man, how did I miss that warning sign? I do that a lot. Or I used to anyways.
I know a lot about your difficulty with listening and watching from what you said earlier. I have friends with the same problem. That's why I keep reminding you that your behavior and thinking is so good! Aside from the sitch being the worst, taking the steps and doing that in a well planned and thought out way is tremendous.
The "wall" takes awhile to get up - taking it down will be an inch by inch effort. It goes down much more slowly than it went up. But notice what brings it down and keep doing it. You would be convincing me with your behavior -not to mention how you talk about your W here - I can tell how much you love and care for her. She's very lucky.
It is always easier to look back and see our mistakes. No one gets M, expects to D or have a partner leave. We think we can argue, fuss and make up.It is such a shock when things get to this point. Sometimes it is a wake up call, and allows the couple to reinvent their R to fit the growing needs of both. I wish you well in your hard efforts - I can tell you are putting yourself 100% into it like Mr L. Love to read both posts and see people care so much about their M. The good side of it all is that things can be turned around.
Kassie, spent a good portion of day crying. Since Thursday things had been WONDERFUL. I had been back at home with him and it was as if he wanted to reconcile but just had not said the words. He left this morning for golf. Gave me a huge kiss and hug good bye. He came back around 12:30 and was weird. I asked what was wrong and should I leave, do you need some space, thinking, alright, we're getting to the backlash. And he said yeah, why don't you go back to where you've been staying..... I was devestated. I tried to remember all of my DB knowledge and skills and did ok, but he was so "I just need to get my head straight, and I don't need this now." I told him he was the one who came home with weird all around him and he said Yeah, I know this one is on me. I asked him What do you want me to do later? Do you want us here? He said Do what you want, but I am not going to think about this now, I am just going to go hang out with some work friends and what some basketball later. He even said "We're not getting back together" in this conversation. I've been trying to tell myself all day "Don't believe anything they say and less than 50% of what they do." But today has been very very hard. I feel like I can't breathe and I'm drowning. I really feel like I may just need to move forward with this and end it. I used to be so much stronger of a woman before my S was born. Before my S, I would have kicked him to the curb after a couple of weeks of this. I would have walked. But now, motherhood has really really changed me. I thought motherhood would make me stronger. Crap.
