I agree it's better to know as little as possible about the OW. All over these boards, so much energy gets poured into despising and criticizing these women who have betrayed the sisterhood. Yet they're really only pretty damaged people with limited self-awareness--it's the spouses who really should be the target for all that anger and sense of betrayal. I can understand the temptation to focus on OW, because there's such a strong sense of jealousy that H could have abandonned a loving spouse for someone so messed up--but then you're just repeating your H's mistake of wasting all his energy on her, instead of on the self. (I can say this now, but it took me quite a while to get there....)
I'm with you on the lapdances being a boundary too far. If my H had gone there, I don't think I could have continued the marriage. MLC or not, I don't think I could have respected him again. I was a bit curious about how the lapdancing started though--was this something he did on his own, or did he have friends who were going anyhow, or was it with people from work?
It sounds as though there was a lot of clarity in your shame-dream. Throughout my H's MLC I had dreams about our relationship that were crystal-clear indicators of how I really felt, even before my mind had fully processed the information. Now that life has calmed down I've gone back to random can't-get-anything-useful-from-this dreams.
What a dreadful way to treat you during your brother's death! My H was about equally warm & fuzzy during his MLC, but the funeral was several years before your H started his--he really has a lot of work to do on himself!!
I guess it's not surprising that the bank noticed your H's life had got out of control. Plus, I believe a lot of MLCers almost bring losing their jobs on themselves, almost wanting to be punished for their feelings of worthlessness.
As for the new relationship, it's so hard not to think that H must think it's "better" than his old one, and that it meets all his needs, and that he's now totally happy. He may even tell you he's finally happy--but that's all part of the script. His unhappiness was never about you, it was about him, and that's why no new relationship will lead to happiness. Especially not a relationship that started with lies, cheating, and guilt. So don't believe he chose her to get away from you--it's himself he's trying to run from. Or, insofar as he did want to get away from you, it wasn't from the loving partner who enjoyed his company, it was from the straw figure he'd built up in his mind to justify his behaviour. Does the news from the bank help you believe that?
From one homebody to another--are there any classes you could take for stuff you could then do in your new home? I know you don't care much for cooking, but is there some kind of cooking you quite like to eat and know nothing about? Are there classes you might like to branch out into at the gym? Are there evening activities your girlfriends could to join you in without kids, like wine tasting or a book club? (Do you still like to read?) What were your favourite activities as a child?
I am certainly jealous in my heart, despite knowing that I have no reason to be. I am also curious as to what type of person has a relationship with a married person. I fully understand the "got really drunk, made a huge mistake" excuse but to knowingly carry on for months with someone who is married is very strange.
My h was not the strip bar type. He would go on occasion with the guys from work, as one of the EVPs from the UK loved the strip bars in Toronto, but he always told me when he got home and was always a little ashamed.
He started going with the guys after hockey on Friday nights and stopped telling me. I have no idea when, because everything he told me is a lie. He did say, when I found out after we split, that he was "in a dark place" and no longer went because he didn't "need to anymore." Nice. Getting him to admit to contact with the lapdancers took a long time. I am disgusted and will never think of him the same way again. It is amazing to me that some men do this habitually and are surprised when women consider it a deal-breaker.
My dream really was very clear and when I woke up, I was very relieved. I know that they recommend that you don't speak with everyone about what is happening with your marriage in case of a reconcilliation down the road but I told EVERYONE who would listen to me. We don't have mutual friends so it was not an issue for me.
Finding out that h was the only one who got fired in his group reinforced for me that it was not just about the financial crisis, but it will take a lot to convince my heart that this is all about him. My head knows it but my heart is not following. I still feel rejected and unwanted.
I looked briefly into cooking classes but believe it or not most classes offered are either for those studying to be a chef or they are "date nights" where groups of couples cook a meal together. The only other ones I could find are day classes on how to feed your baby properly, etc.
I do still read a lot so a book club would be a good idea. I would have to do it on my own however as I don't think any of my friends would have the time. I will see what I can find on the Internet.
You would think the gym would be a good place to meet people but as luck would have it, I am the only straight person at my new gym. Seriously. The good thing is I don't have to worry about being hit on.
From what I've read, the sort of woman who has relationships with married men tends to have been scarred by her relationship with her father. If he neglected his family for other women, or treated his wife badly, or made his daughter his favourite over his wife, the daughter is left with a lot of anger, and sometimes a desperation not to be stuck in her mother's situation. Sometimes she enjoys the feeling she's competing with another woman, or forcing someone to suffer as much as she did as a child. Other times, she's determined never to care for someone as hopelessly as she watched her mother do, and so wants to be in control of the relationship. Often, she has an unconcious desire to "punish" her father, and so the lower the man sinks and the more he loses, the better. And unless she gains some self-awareness, she just keeps replaying the same ugly patterns, insisting throughout that nothing she ever does is her fault. It shows how messed up the MLCer must be to find such a sad creature fascinating. And if he hopes to "rescue" her, he won't succeed because, like him, she's trying vainly to escape herself and her past.
It's good that you were able to tell everyone your story--it made me feel doubly alone that I had so few people I could talk to. Because of the kids and my feeling that H would PROBABLY stay in the marriage, I didn't want too many people to know, even many members of my family. I certainly got tired of people telling me how great I looked because of my weight loss and wondering what my secrets were, while I was going down a pants size a fortnight and feeling awful about all the mini-bombs.
I hear you on the heart versus head split, and that one takes a long time to come together. I found I was connecting my H's perceived rejection of me with other rejections in my past, which made me feel like a rejected little girl again. Once I was able to isolate feelings like that and not allow the pain from one to superimpose on the other, I was able to detach more from it. (Sorry, was that at all clear?)
So, if you're the only straight person at your gym and don't fear being hit on, then the place is totally full of gay guys? Heck, you're surrounded by guys who would be fabulous to take those cooking classes with!! (Apologies for the stereotyping.) Too bad the classes aren't appropriate: out here it's possible to take classes through the rec centres or kitchen-supply stores which aren't geared to upcoming chefs or couples, and it's usually a fun evening.
Good luck on finding a book club--and it might be worth mentioning to some of your friends. It is hard to find the time to read with kids around, but as a mom you sometimes want a project to prove your brain hasn't quite gone to mush. Plus, "having" to read something for book club makes such a good excuse for some alone time! Another thought--would some volunteering appeal to you? Perhaps not, when you're already so involved with caring for your mom, but it's something I've thought I'd like to do for the community (if I weren't so busy helping out at the school right now, of course!).
It must have been difficult to deal with it mostly on your own, especially while having to keep strong for your kids. All for the best obviously, because I'm sure your friends and family would find it very difficult to forgive your h for having hurt you so much.
Do you talk to people about it now? It would be interesting to see if any of your friends have experienced the same thing. I was talking to my girlfriend/coworker yesterday about the latest (job loss). She has listened to every gory detail since last June, and we were laughing about how most people wouldn't believe me if I told them my whole story all at once.
Over the months of our separation, I wrote down all of the things my h said to me. It really helps to go back and read them whenever I start wondering what is wrong with me that h doesn't want to be with me anymore. Revisiting the contradictory, intentionally hurtful, sometimes crazy things that he said helps remind me that this is not about me. His financial irresponsibility and now losing his job also helps.
Yup. Lots and lots of gay guys at the gym and all different types as well. I always wear my iPod while I work out because I am WAY TOO OLD for the "house" music so aside from nods and smiles I haven't spoken with anyone yet.
Volunteering is also a good idea and I have thought about that. At the moment I am having a hard time considering making a commitment to anyone or anything. Does that sound normal to you?
I didn't tell my sister immediately, but as the pressure built up (and it looked as though H would never disentangle from the OW) I confided in her. I think I defended him a bit to her, because I knew she had always liked him--ie, I explained much of his behaviour in terms of MLC and depression. Another good friend of mine had gone through her H's MLC a few years earlier, and she was invaluable! It was good to know I wasn't alone or crazy, and she was never afraid to give hard-hitting advice. We managed to laugh about it so much together, despite everything. I know what you mean about the story being unbelieveable; I've thought about writing a book about it all--a sort of antidote to romance novels, yet funny. But after reading a number of the stories here, it feels like I've heard enough versions of the same old tale.
You're really wise to keep that written reminder of H's crazy-speak. I kept a journal as well, both of H's wildly fluctuating utterances and of my own attempts to find some equilbrium. In the months between my H recommitting verbally and mentally, I read it again, and was blown away by all the pain he'd caused. I asked him if he still felt certain things (that he'd been adament about at the time, and that I had trouble forgetting), but for the most part he couldn't remember saying them. Some things--for example, that the OW was utterly blameless--he still believed, which really hurt because it meant she was still a fantasy projection for him. I think at some point I need to destroy those notebooks to complete the forgiveness process.
It does sound totally normal not to want to commit at this point. Your trust has been broken, which makes it hard to commit to people, and because you've lost your image of who you were in the relationship, it's hard to "see" yourself in new roles. Is there a bit of depression in there, too--that makes it very hard to give yourself when you feel you need to nurture your energy? I remember that for a few days after each bomb I couldn't even commit as far as getting into a conversation with acquaintances, months later I couldn't invite people over ... it does get better (you must be sick of hearing that!
I hope you have a good weekend! I won't be on much next week, as the kids have spring break (and seem to think the computer is therefore theirs!?!), but I will be sending you good wishes!
Hi Cyrena, Hope you had a good March break with the kids.
I had a call yesterday from my L. He said you are no longer Mrs. xh's given name xh's surname. What an idiot! I never changed my name and was NEVER addressed, not even once, by my xh's name before! Then he started jabbering about it being signed on March 17th but waiting 31 days from then so I am not entirely sure if I am divorced as of March 17th or will be as of April 18th. I'll have to wait until I receive the decree in the mail to be sure. I hope it's not March 17th as I am fond of St. Patrick's Day.
To answer your question above, I don't think I am depressed. I know that I am lonely and that I am bored spending my evenings and weekends alone.
The break was great! We all love being able to lounge around in pajamas and make leisurely decisions about what to do with our days, so it was very relaxing. The kids were kind of sad to be heading back to school already today, and my D kept inquiring how long exactly it was until summer break....
Your lawyer is an idiot! And hasn't it been several generations since women wanted to call themselves Mrs. (H's first name) (H's 2nd name), anyhow? When I was young my parents had an elderly woman friend whose stationary, etc, all said "Mrs. James Smith" and it totally creeped me out because James Smith had died before I was born--it seemed to my childlike mind that she was shackled to a corpse.
You, on the other hand, will be free soon! I wonder what the 1-month waiting period is for? It sounds as though you anticipate that D-day will be a difficult annual anniversary for you. Maybe it would be better if it was March 17, so that you already had positive associations with that day, which could over time dominate? I'm sure the day you get the decree in the mail will be very difficult for you. It's awful how long it takes until our minds can stop replaying all the bad bits with each new trigger. And worse, maybe we need to go through this until we're finally ready to say "enough already!" and let it go?
You're doing well, though. Just need to work on getting back more of a social life! Do you think the move to the condo will put you in an area where there will be people in your age-group, and opportunities to try new things?
I'm glad you're not depressed! It really is hard to get through this kind of betrayal and rejection without slipping into at least a low-grade form of depression. So well done, you, for being so strong! And, now that you are a divorced (or almost divorced) woman, are there some goals you've been working on for yourself? How do you see your life changing in the next few years? What changes would you like to see? What is your vision of an ideal life?
Glad you all had a relaxing break. I remember counting the days to the end of the school year after March break.
Yes, he certainly is an idiot. The original order was waiting for me when I got to the office this morning. The judge actually signed the order on March 13th (a clerk signed it March 17th), so I believe it will be final on April 14th. I was not overly concerned about the date sticking in my mind unless it fell on a holiday or a significant day, so it looks like it will be OK. Neither xh nor I could ever remember our anniversary and sometimes celebrated it on the wrong day.
Not sure what the 31 days is for, but the window for appeal is closed at this point. Seeing the order on paper was not difficult, as I felt divorced when I told xh that our marriage was over on June 2nd. I feel strange being "divorced" as I never wanted to have that label attached to me. I didn't even really care if we married in the first place although I did really want a diamond ring. Waiting for as long as I did before getting married, I thought that the odds were pretty good that we would stay married. I really thought I had made the right choice.
My new neighbourhood is really not that far from where I live now so it won't be too much of change except for noise (I hope). The street I live on now is very busy with traffic and emergency vehicles so I am looking forward to getting away from that.
I am just so grateful to not have been sucked into xh's crazy world I think that might be keeping me from feeling like I have lost something valuable and therefore getting depressed. I see my life changing financially for the worse as I now have to save as much as possible for my retirement after foolishly depending on xh to be saving for our retirement. I hope that I find something to keep me busy and fulfilled but I don't mean another relationship. I certainly am at a crossroads but don't know which way to turn at the moment. I'm going to concentrate on my upcoming move for the time being.
FWIW, I believe you probably did make the right choice when you got married--he was the right guy for you then, and you had good times together. But, he still had some growing up to do, and when it came time to face himself, he couldn't. There's no way you could have predicted that he would change into the selfish monster he did. Don't blame yourself for not "forseeing" this--this MLC board wouldn't exist if it was that easy.
I had an aunt who was a very bright, gutsy, outdoorsy woman. She married a compatible guy, and they were very happy until she was in a terrible accident that left her crippled and blinded (though not in pain). She couldn't deal with the confinement of her life, and became a very angry, demanding person. My uncle cared for her, learned to bake all her favourite things, etc, but (it seemed to me) really got the raw end of the deal. I guess what I'm saying is, adversity is a part of every life, and it's impossible to forecast it, and it's hard to know how individuals will react to hardship--some become better for it (and my uncle certainly did) while others seem to develop the most unpleasant side of themselves.
I know what you mean about not wanting the term "divorced" connected to you. But then, think how many hundred times better it is than "divorced and in MLC." At least for me, looking back, I can see that I went through a depressed period when my mom died, but I'm so grateful I didn't fly off the rails into MLC!! Then, when my H recommitted to the marriage--yet spent another 18 months very gradually becoming the person I actually liked again--I could feel the possibility of depression pulling at me again. At that point I very firmly told myself there was no way I was following in H's footsteps.
Getting away from all those emergency vehicles sounds wonderful and should make for better sleeping. Are you sleeping all right yet? Do the cats let you sleep as long as you want to, or are they the kind that apply wake-up tactics early in the am?
You know, it's okay to be at a crossroads, and to have the time to really think about where you want your life to go from there. Your retirement savings situation is a downer, though, particularly in this market downturn. Though, they do say it's a good time to buy--if you could figure out what! Would a course on investing, etc, interest you?
Is it warming up out there yet? At least the longer days must make a difference. Do you take your holidays in the summer? What do you like to do for it--any plans?
