Wondering how to handle things

[kissak]

Very True Stella. Seems like its always been that way...I start listening again...then he runs. Just taking one day at a time right now.
TOday, is a good day. Yesterday Was a downer for me. I know he got off early yesterday and my gut was telling me that he went to get the sep papers from the lawyer. Of course I dont know that...just a fear I have. He hasnt so much as mentioned them at all since I gave them back to him with my changes way before thanksgiving last year.
Of course there isnt much need now to file them when we could just file for a D.

I dont know. It all scares me.

[brandnewday]

Kissak,

Fear is not from God.
Fear will keep you stuck, it will keep you from moving forwards and from making the right choices.

The worst has already happened to you, the rest is just paperwork.

"When I am afraid I will trust in you".

[kissak]

Just paperwork....Im trying to see it that way. Guess to me it just finalizes it all. But your right....fear will keep you stuck....but I know that once it happens I will be ok...its just getting to that point.

Having Faith in God is what has gotten me through all of this...but fear is just normal I guess.

Thanks BND.

[brandnewday]

Absolutely!!

I lived in fear of a Divorce for so so long, it was crippling.
I couldn't see life after a Divorce, to me it seemed like a death sentence.

One day I realized that my Marriage was already over, and the worst had already happened, he had left me and moved on with his life.

Once I got over the fear of a piece of paper I began to truly detach, and learned how to be happy again.

The ironic part to my story is that when I finally became detached and started a new life with a new attitude, my Husband wanted to come home again.

[kissak]

Thanks BND...but when I do start to detach some, my H wants to come back. Then I give in and it all goes down hill I guess. That's probably the 180 I need to do now. DONT GIVE IN!!

He has been very calm this week. Last night he came over to get the kids for a few hours and ended up staying a little while to help my dad repair the back deck. I think he still feels like it is still his home. Well, finally when he decided to leave I walked him and the kids to the truck and he said they had to go cuz "mommy probably has somewhere to go". Well, I took my phone out of my pocket to just look at the time....he then asked if I had a phone call. I just looked at him and told the kids I would see them in a little while. He said good bye and I replyed. THen i walked back to where my dad was and my H follows after a minute....just to tell my dad bye again. ?? THen he left. Then he texted me saying how i just walked away because I didnt wanna talk to him. ok...I dont answer, so he calls me. Actually he called a few more times while they were gone. He is so curious to my whereabouts when I have no kids with me.

I dont get it. If he's scared of me finding someone else....why doesnt he just say something or just say he wants me...i dont know. just pondering on some of this today. He even texted me today and asked if I looked nice today? Ok...what kinda question was that? I just replyed I hope so and then he calls me.

NO 2x4s please...Im trying to analyze when I know I shouldnt be. But I cant help it some days.

I just wanna know what all this means? I know I know....get a life kissak. Just having one of those days....lol.

[mishka422]

(((((Kissak)))))))

Oh, I understand the analyzing! It's hard not to especially since your H seems so freaked about losing control over your time. You do realize that is what he is doing, right? He is trying to control you without being overt about it. By him questioning you and keeping in constant contact with you about EVERYTHING he is keeping you from stepping forward truly with your own life.

Passive-aggressive behavior.

It's very hard to identify. My xh was the same way. Always wanting to know what I was doing, who I was talking to, finding excuses to need to drop by. No more. I put my foot down about my boundaries and flat out told him that being in constant contact with him was not healthy for me and it was making my healing more difficult. He didn't want to hurt me anymore than he had so he stayed away and only communicated to me about our son and then only by text. It made it much easier for me and now we can talk again. He still asks me what I'm doing, where I'm going, but I don't answer unless it involves our son too. I don't flat out tell him it's none of his business, I'm just very vague.

I know you've heard all of this before. It's a matter of being reminded of it and applying practices that protect you from getting sucked back into his insecurities and being controlled by subversion!

[kissak]

Thanks Mishka...that all really made alot of sense to me. I do believe he is trying to control me but not making it obvious.

I only wanna know why? lol. Guess I will never know. Why would he not want me to move forward with my life? I do try to be vague about what I am doing, but have told him things are none of his business. I think he knows that now. But doesnt stop him from vaguely asking.

I sometimes just wanna say "grow up".

I havent texted him today other than to answer his texts. Its better for me that way. I dont start any conversations with him lately. I let him do it. Sometimes I dont answer....but then he calls me. Sometimes I dont answer them either....

[stella_k]

Kissak,

I think he is also projecting his own ideas of being "friends" with other women onto you. He doesn't like the idea of you getting attention from men and probably forming a "friendship" of your own.

My H is not a gelouse type, but yesterday he admitted to me that he felt uncomfortable thinking of me left "unprotected" against attention I might be getting. Given that we were separated for 6 months and he was living with OW full time and the attention was not nesessarily unwanted, LOL, that was very telling.

[kissak]

Thanks Stella....I know the idea of me being with someone else bothers him. He has told me that. But has also in the past said that is just something he will have to deal with.

I know he has made alot of woman friends over the last 2 years....of course he has also said they arent true friends because they will go a while without talking to him. He usually has to start the conversation with them. To him, thats not a friend. So, when I go days without starting convos with him, he starts doing the same. Then goes on to say that I dont miss him.

So confusing...but trying to occupy my mind with other thoughts when analyzing him comes to my mind....

[mishka422]

Yup! Thought stopping....BIG HUGE RED STOP SIGN IN YOUR HEAD!

I am definitely of the opinion that he does it because of his own insecurities and that is why he controls you in this way. It's all done subconsciously of course. He isn't making a conscious effort to be such a PITA, it comes naturally....isn't that reassuring?

At least your H thinks you have the option of meeting and falling in love with someone else in the future! My H has told me he knows for certain that I will be alone the rest of my life because of my trust and self image issues. Unfortunately, he's absolutely right. C'est la vie. *sigh*

Have a blessed day Kissak. When all else fails, PRAY!