Life after exposure

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I would suggest re-confronting her, and re-exposing to the same circle and letting them know the latest. I would let them ALL know that I was moving on (but not giving up), and working on protecting myself emotionally, legally and financially, and then I would go completely dark -- Plan B.

Puppy

[Still Waters]

That's what I was thinking too, Puppy. I have been completely dark for 2 weeks now, and doing really good for myself. I got a new job that pays better and is closer to my home, joined a local morning jogging group, and I've been going out with friends 3 or so times a week. But then this pops up, and I backslide mentally. I know I'll recover and get back on track, but it's another hurdle I need to deal with.

I'm going to do the same thing I did last time. Confront my W in person in a very calm way. Showing no anger, even though it's most definitely there. I just need to let her know that now that she has further broken my trust in her, and since she still shows no interest in working to rebuild that trust, that I need to protect myself, as you said, legally, financially, and emotionally. I think the time has come for me to talk to a lawyer and get better informed.

My W is showing signs of MLC with her behavior, and I don't want this affecting me financially. She's always been bad with money, and I imagine that will only get worse as she continues down this road. Also, now that I'm making more money (not more than her yet, but I have a feeling I will be making more than her in 6 months or so) I need to protect myself.

I'm going to give her the option of telling her family herself about OM#2 and my decision to protect myself, but if she balks I'll be the one telling them again. Her family is going to flip out. Especially since I dug a little deeper and found out that OM#2 has been in the picture since November. Which means she was involved with OM#1, OM#2, and me (all to varying degrees) at the same time.

Looks like my W is afraid of being alone (aren't we all) and doesn't want to put all her eggs in one basket. Because if she was truly alone, she'd have to face herself and the pain she has caused.

[Punktmann]

Still, I like your plan about confronting her with the 2nd A. No anger is important, or it's all for nothing.

Just a thought, giving her that option, (outing it herself or else you will,) might give her MLC alien the opportunity to view that as a "threat." Just one more thing for her to say "he's a jerk b/c he said..."

Unfortunately, I don't have experience with outing an A, (I wish I did,) but...

If you out the second A, she's going to be mad, but deep down, she'll know you're acting from truth. It's hard to hold that grudge later.


"Making" her do it herself "or else you will," might feel to her like manipulation, and give her something to hold against you. That'd be a trust issue later. Assuming she does it.

If you give her an ultimatum, then out her anyway, it seems like that's something she WILL hold against you later, justified or not.

I'm not being critical here, more kind of thinking out loud.

Just something from the far side of D from a guy who didn't out the A but wishes he had.


Best,

Punkt.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Yep -- those are all the standard theories. However, what he will find is, even if he DOESN'T out her again, she'll STILL make him out to be the bad guy.

So it really comes to down to "a", what works, and "b", what HE feels he needs to do for his own personal integrity.

Personally, I don't think one can "push them together more" when they're ALREADY together, having an affair and cheating on their spouses.

Puppy

[Still Waters]

I did confront my W about A#2, but choose not to expose to anyone else. It's pretty clear that nothing I say or do right now is going to bring her back, so why bother. She's completely fogged out.

My W denied that she was having another affair and said that OM#2 was...wait for it...just a friend. Sure he is.

My W also said, again, that she can't work on the marriage. Same reasons as before: she feels weak and powerless, she gave 100% of herself in our M for years and doesn't have the strength to work on rebuilding, she needs to find herself, figure out who she is, and the same old script. She also said, "don't ever tell me that I didn't fight for our M." She says this even though she had an A, moved out, lied and deceived me and her family for months, made me drag the truth out of her, and then refused to do anything to try to pick up the pieces. While we were together she did nag me about things she didn't like about me, how I didn't verbalize my emotions and feelings as much as she needed. But if she thinks that nagging is fighting for your M then she's in for a long road of failed R's. Yes, I should have listened to her and heard the warning signs. But constant nagging is no way to get someone to change. It's a cheeseless tunnel.

I'm not saying that she didn't try to make things work when we were together, but the things she was trying I wasn't picking up on. It's right out of 5 Love Languages. She was trying to fill up my love bank with a kind of love I didn't see. Meanwhile, I was doing the same thing to her. The difference is that I realize my mistakes and want to fix them, while she takes little to no responsibility for our communication problems.

I told her that I'm sorry she feels that way and that I've decided to move on. I let her know that I haven't given up hope, but that right now I need to protect myself and move on since she refuses to do anything whatsoever to work on our R. I didn't get into it with her about our R, because it would only make things worse. No sense trying to defend my past behavior or trying to make her see her role in the breakdown of our M. All I can do now is let her know that I understand that she feels hurt and weak, I'm sorry she feels that way, I'm here is she wants to begin working on our M, but I won't be here forever.

So I've gone pitch black dark. She won't hear a peep out of me unless she initiates it.

[Still Waters]

This evening I made the mistake of having nothing planned to do, so I sat around watching TV and playing with my cat. That's when I started thinking about my sitch...

DBing tip: make yourself as busy as possible! I have been doing a great job at this, but you can't fill every second of every day!

So I started thinking about filing for a D tonight. The part of me that says that I don't deserve this was puffing out his chest, saying, "You're a good, strong man, with a good heart, and lots of love to give. Why are you putting up with this nonsense? Especially since you don't have any kids to think about?"

I guess I look in the mirror these days and I really like who I am. The one thing that bothers me is that my W is out and about doing Lord knows what with OM. It's one thing to tell my W that while I still have hope I am moving on. But unless I file, am I REALLY moving on? It's more like I'm acting "as if" I'm moving on, when really I'm not.

Sure, I'm doing things for me now and not worrying about whether or not my W sees the changes I'm making. But I'm still married to this woman who seems to have zero interest in me and would rather live alone and date other guys than be with me.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

SW, my kindred spirit:

Have you given yourself a time frame? I find that helps. Tell yourself "I'll give this six months, or 9 months, or a year of my VERY BEST effort, and then I must move on to protect my own heart."

Do NOT communicate this deadline with HER< but it does help if you have one for yourself.

Another thing that I found helpful was that when I was feeling like a complete SAP, I would remind myself THAT I HAD A PLAN. That she may THINK she is duping me this day, but my patience was part of MY plan, to DB, GAL and show my kids that you don't just cut and run when things get tough.

And PRAY. ASK for patience, and for a steadfast heart.

Hang in there,

Puppy

[Still Waters]

I think that a reasonable deadline for me is July. That would be 8 months since separation. If my W still can't (aka "doesn't want to") work on our M, then it'll be time for me to file. In the meantime I will stay dark and keep building myself and my life up, and when she does contact me I'll be on my best DB behavior.

So that's my deadline. July. Why not make it the 4th of July. If things don't work out, I can celebrate my independence from all this nonsense.

Since we live in one of the few states with no true no-fault divorce option, I'm the one who will have to decide when this M legally ends. At first that bothered me, but it does give me a sense of control. If I want out, I can get it. If I don't want out, I can delay. I'm guessing that drives her crazy, but she created this mess when she had an A.

And I have been praying, asking God to give me the strength, patience, and compassion to do the right thing. No matter what, I will emerge from this with my head held high.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I like it.

Are you saying that you can file on the grounds of adultery in your state?

Puppy

[Still Waters]

Yes. In my state, you MUST assign fault, and adultery is one of the grounds. I'm pretty sure that my state has the strictest divorce laws in the country.

The only no-fault option is conversion of a separation agreement, which must be on file with the court for one year, after which it can be converted into a D without fault being assigned. But there's nothing that says I have to sign such an agreement, so my W is against a rock and a hard place.

I'd much rather she comes back and is willing to work on the R. At least give it an honest effort to make sure we can both walk away with no regrets.