First, I totally relate to your comments about the WAS and our children. Regardless of the M status, the R"s between the kids and our spouses matter a lot to us. Though I think all you can do is encourage anything in the R direction, as you have, and not get in their way, you will still feel hurt by it when it isn't very good.
My feelings for H are DEEPLY affected by his Rs with our kids. D19 is still very hurt by him and he called to say he is "getting pissed" that she has not contacted him directly since she has been in a semester abroad program. I have forwarded some of her emails to him but for certain reasons, not all...(trust me on my reasons).
I validated that h felt hurt and shut out, (I was amazed at his amnesia b/c I said this would happen to their R about 40 times when h was full blown MLCing...and he could not hear me...but it IS as if he forgot those numerous talks..maybe he shut them all out??)
But then I "got real" and gently reminded him of how he got there and who did what, and who the parent is, i.e, the adult in the sitch, etc. It was tense as he was very defensive, VERY defensive and often lashes out when guilt pops up in him...But Eventually, I think he listened. He then called our s22 later in the evening to discuss the R with d19, and that is interesting b/c it means he's worried about the damage done and he wants allies. I think that's fine. Hope it means at least he's awakening. Similarly, Carrie is doing something new...the V-day card is very significant. I'm relieved she did it. And I hope she realizes it is on HER as the mother AND as the one who left that it is HER job to fix this. I'd pursue my son if we had a falling out and I'd drop my pride to do so unless he had really disrespected me. But when a parent leaves a child's life...of course it's on them to repair things.
Like Tawny, my d19 needs both parents. I have read that at this age, fathers are actually more important to girls b/c of what they represent. So in that sense, you may be better off than you realize. I know your daughter knows you love her. God, that matters. With d11, I hope and think he still has time to create enough memories together but so far, he's missed a chunk of what she knows as her childhood. How is your son doing with all this? And has Yakeline been around at all or has she kept to herself? Tough one Ian...
Our d19 said that "since h didn't want to be a part of my life...why should I want him in mine/or make an effort, don't even like him much...etc." and all i can say is OUCH...But I did tell her that h loves her, though he may be flawed (like all of us) and that he would kill or die for her in a heart beat. Just Like h loves our kids, Carrie does love your daughter.
But Ian, as a mom, I cannot imagine the guilt that I'd feel if I were Carrie or my h. Would not wish that on anyone...OMG...seriously. I won't defend their choices; but I can still feel pity. And I do. For all of them.
Okay, the other thing I wanted to pass on is what my d11 said tonight. She was talking about dating... She asked about how many guys she'd have to date before she meets the right one, and then she realized that at least in the "game of love" you "only have to pick ONE right person". I nodded and she said "it's the only game you can do over and over again 100 times, and if you get it right ONE time, then you WIN....game over".
Hmmm, fwiw, Wanted to pass that on to you....I hope they all end up alright. My dad was an educated, brilliant, highly functioning raging alcoholic for most of my growing up years and yet, we were close when I was really little and again in my late 20's. I cried hard when he died. So we don't know what Tawny will recover from Carrie someday, when she's a mom and Carrie is a grandmother, and time heals SOME wounds...
Last, just want to say that even if my M were to end tomorrow, if the only way I could have my 3 children was to go through this, ALL of it, I'd re-do it in a heartbeat. They're worth it. Don't know if that helps, but I wanted to say it "out loud"...
Still crossing my fingers for your job hunt...and what's this about California??? Yes yes you have children, tsk tsk....but we have SUNNY WEATHER HERE....geez, get your priorities straight.
(( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hey all, it appears that Carrie reaching out was a temporary moment of clarity as she is back to the same old same old. Oh well...
Job front, nada..... this really sucks..... I am about to have to take a 2nd job and am not sure how that works with a full time 15 year old that needs me around. Any suggestions??????
Otherwise all is quiet here. Not a lot to report otherwise.
Well, you skimmed over what happened that you didn't want to talk about....doesn't sound like a happy thing.
2nd job? What has the first job been?
Is there something that the two of you could possibly do together/in proximity? Park and Rec, after-school program, places that cater to kids (skating rink?)... I even have a state senator who delivers the morning newspaper by car...maybe something with early-morning hours while she is asleep/getting ready for school, so you can spend evenings together? Tax prep from home? Computer repair or website design? (Either at home or take her with you on house calls)...
US Census is starting to hire - they need people to drive around and correct addresses, maps, canvas, etc. Pay is decent, mileage reinbursed.
Donna is right about US Census. There's a lot of other Government jobs out there now to. It's the only sector that's growing these days. Might as well try to take advantage.
I have been driving a Turret truck for a friend of mine in his warehouse for the last 2.5 months. It is an hourly job, not what I am accustomed to for sure......
Quote:
Well, you skimmed over what happened that you didn't want to talk about....doesn't sound like a happy thing.
You know, I just didn't see the value in posting to much about it. She's nuts, she's a shitty mother, and it is fruitless for me to get upset about it. I have taken a stance of just focusing on me and what I can do as a father. She has cut her child support back and is doing so because the D is taking longer than she would like. I sent her a text that simply said...
" Understand that the financial support for Tawny is a separate issue from our D taking this long. One does not tie into the other. By not living up to your financial obligation for our daughter it does not hurt me, it hurts our child because I do not have the means right now to make up for your shortcomings. In the end, you are the one who has to answer for your choices."
I am tired of being nice, I am tired of putting up with her bullshitt and I will not candy coat anything for her anymore. When she acts like an assshole, I will treat her like an assshole. I am done with her games.
If you treat her like an ass, then the viscous cycle continues.
You don't need the added stress.
Ignore her. I know how awful it is when they hurt our babies. Better to use the energy focusing on trying to make the babies feel better than to put any energy into her drama.
Memphis in May is right around the corner, you get to see Tommy, and when you do please give him a big hig from me. :-)
Live Simply Love Generously Care Deeply Speak Kindly Leave the rest to God
I hear your indignation Ian, I had to force myself not to send a "you'll pay for each tear they shed on your acct" text, my kids just got picked up by him, d6 sobbed and cried, asked to stay with me, it made me cry like I havent' in a long time (after they left of course). But for real, they will, nothing that goes on on this earth will go unpunished Ian, we all will respond one day for our actions.
Lissie girl)))))))))))))))) where are you? I tried to emails you through ftio but I guess it didnt' work, smooches your way babe
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
