Life after exposure

[Still Waters]

Time for a new thread from me since I've entered a new phase since my first "Exposing an EA" thread.

A quick rundown of where I am:

I found proof my W's EA/PA a little over a week ago (cell phone records) and confronted her the very next day. She admitted to the A, said that it was over, and broke down weeping. I told her that while my trust in her was damaged, I could forgive her and I did have the strength to work on rebuilding that trust and our M. My W said that she was too weak and felt too powerless to work on the M and she wanted time and space to heal.

The last email she sent me (a few days after I confronted her) said that her goal right now is "to take the steps necessary to heal, try to find a way to forgive myself, find out who I am, and become a better person." She said that she feels endless pain for hurting me and that she's filled with regret. There was also lots of talk about how bad I've been hurt (even though I've handled it way better than she has) and how one day she hopes I can forgive her. Of course I already told her that I could forgive her, but she doesn't believe me.

My W said that's she's filled with "self-hatred, guilt, and shame," she called herself "a coward, a fraud, selfish, and a fool," and she said that I was the victim of her acting out due to problems in her life (some having to due with me and our M, and some unrelated) that she was unable to handle.

And that's where I am now. My W and I are still separated, and my W says she's working to try and heal herself from the A. Do I believe her? Not really. She hasn't done anything to try to rebuild my trust in her, so her words are hard to accept right now. Her inability to commit to working on the M is the biggest red flag for me, as is her continued request for "space." Last time she asked for space she used that space to have her A free from me. So what am I supposed to expect she's doing now? Sure, her words show remorse (mixed with her playing the victim), but what about her actions?

On the plus side, her sisters know about the A now and they have been talking to my W. They are good people and hopefully they're having a positive influence on my W.

And what about me? Well, I've been doing the same thing I've been doing for the past few months. Working on myself. Going to the gym 5-6 days a week, hanging out with friends as much as possible, working hard, and doing lots and lots of reading.

I told my W that I am here and I am ready, willing, and able to work on our M. I told her that while the road ahead of us won't be easy, that I do see a light at the end of this dark tunnel. The question is, can we reach it? I told her that there are no guarantees, but we'll never know unless we try. And regardless of the ultimate outcome, the journey on that road will, at the very least, make us both stronger and wiser people.

All that was over a week ago, and I haven't heard a peep back from my W since. Which I expected since I basically left things with a "come to me when you're ready to work" message, but I also let her know that while I am patient and strong, every day that goes by I lose a little bit of that patience.

All I want is for her to give our M an honest second chance with no outside influences affecting our chances. But even that's too much for her right now.

So I struggle with how dark should I be right now. As is, I'm pitch black.

[karen43]

My W said that she was too weak and felt too powerless to work on the M and she wanted time and space to heal.

I would translate that as affair-speak for something like: I'm too weak and too powerless to want to work on the M and I want time and space to go have an affair. Her actions seem to back that up. My personal opinion is to go dark, b/c when they are in an active affair I think it often doesn't seem to matter too much what you do. Work on your changes and 180s for you. Karen

[Still Waters]

That's what I think too, Karen. Even though she has sworn that the A is over (she said it ended in January), I don't believe her. You can't go from lying through your teeth to your H and entire family for 4 months to being trusted just by sending a couple of remorseful emails.

She knows that I won't believe her until her actions give me a reason to trust her.

I guess my biggest dilemma is deciding what happens if I discover that she's still having an A. Do I still want her back if that happens? Hard to say right now. But for her to lump another betrayal and fresh pack of lies on top of the pile she still hasn't cleaned up yet, might be the last straw for me.

And that makes me wonder if I should try to find out if she's still having an A. If it's going to be a deal breaker for me, why prolong this? Of course I don't know if it'll be a deal breaker for sure. This is just me thinking out loud here. This whole thing has been a rollercoaster, so who knows how I'll feel about it tomorrow.

[Mellenmack]

Just wanted to say I am glad you are still here.

Melissa

[newgal]

Hi, I wanted to respond to your post, but I don't think I'll be much help. My H told me he needed "space" and "time to get his head screwed on straight." Oh, so classic. This was before he confessed to an EA that was supposedly already over that I had no idea about. Now he tells me he loves me like a friend, but not a husband, all the while, becoming very chummy with a woman nearly half his age. Well, I'll be, imagine that. We all know we don't stand a chance when they are convinced their happiness lies elsewhere and there's really nothing left to do but let go and go dark, which you say you have done. Good. You say your biggest dilemma is whether you want her back if you find out she has continued the A. What if right now you stop thinking about whether or not you want her back at some point?? Right now, assume she is (having the A) and assume you don't want her back. Things could always change down the road between you two, but in my case, I know I wasted so much energy worrying about things that were not in my control, as we all do I guess. I think it is healthier for us to take that approach and just simply assume that if the A continues, we don't want them back. Whether or not we actually want to do that is something we can figure out along the way. And I do think it takes a long time to figure it out too. I am 10 months into my mess and my thoughts have changed a lot during that time. But focus on being dark and doing the 180s. It DOES help. I am taking such baby steps into this and my 180s are really more like 30s, but I will take any progress that I can make. It is HARD. Good luck to you, sorry I know this probably wasn't any help.

[Still Waters]

It's always helpful to hear other people's thoughts and experiences, newgal, so thank you so much for your response.

I have been working on trying to stop thinking about my W and our R completely, but it takes time. I've gotten much, much better at it over the past few weeks, but it still does pop up from time to time. Always when I least expect it.

I'm going into week 2 of being truly dark, and it really has done wonders for me. It's hard, but for the first time since this all began I feel myself truly detaching. I now see that before this, I was obsessing about my sitch. I thought about it constantly and had a hard time doing much of anything. Even when I would go out with my friends, my mind was still elsewhere.

But now when I go out, for the most part I can forget about everything and have a good time. And I've been getting a lot more work done. So it's a process, and what they say is true. Time is your friend in all this.

[Superstar]

In terms of making me feel better, Dark is the best thing I have taken from DB.

I started going dark purely as a self-protection mechanism and I have to say it has worked. The thing about dark is, once you start and see/feel the positive results it is addictive and you want to take it to the next level. The darker the better, and let me tell you, I could give lessons on dark right now!

There are very few things that I am sure of these days, but the one thing that I KNOW to be true is that as long as the WAS is involved in the A, there is NOTHING you can do to reach them.

So why bother? I decided to save myself rather than let us both drown. I have a kid to look after, and one emotionally unstable parent is plenty.

[Mellenmack]

I was the opposite. Going dark made both of us miserable. The time passed so slowly those three weeks that we barely talked, I just wanted to die. Meanwhile, he was getting madder and madder and more and more hurt, I think too, from what I understand from his Mom.

I can be myself and do what I want without having to ignore him. It doesn't mean we are great friends right now, but we can get along well enough to eat lunch together or just sit for a little while. For now. I know that if I want to do something, I just do it and don't wait for him like it seemed I did for so long.

Giving up finally did this for me, not going dark. I am totally not judging or recommending anything different than what you are doing. Just saying we were absolutely miserable when I was semi-dark.

Melissa

[DCBHM]

Going dark just for short periods seems to have a positive effect here. I went dark from Jan 31-Feb 6 and WAW initiated our first phone conversation since the separation, discussing her desire for C, Joint Custody, working together, etc. Of course P.I. busted her with OM the same night, and my counter-filing for divorce drove her into anger on Feb 10. Since then we have been sniping at each other legally, and have had a few short tense conversations.

I went dark again Feb 23. Each evening I only send a single text msg "How's D(1)?" and I get a response. The first day it was "fine" the second day was more. Each day this week she gets more 'talkative' via txt, of course I never respond. This morning she initiated txt (she hasn't in a while) to ask me to pay half of a doctor bill. This evening when I sent my "How's D(1)?" txt, she responded with a long text message with a smiley face.

So apparently me "going dark" as part of my LRT has the effect of making her miss talking with me, or miss having at least a 'friendship' with me.

Read my thread though, and you'll understand why a friendship is the last thing on my mind right now. As much as it pains me, I may see if she'll initiate contact on letting me see D(1) this weekend instead of asking like I normally do. She'll still be seeing OM, but I get to see D(1) so it is a win/win. I'm just trying to avoid her as much as possible so she'll calm down a bit from the false allegations.

During our initial separation, everything I said was twisted/turned into something else. "Hey, mind if I keep D(1) for the weekend?" She'd tell me "sure!" to my face, then email mutual friends "She doesn't even know him! She's going to be scared! He's going to steal her!"

So... going dark seems to be the only 180 I've used that has had any positive effect whatsoever on the situation. And it *is* baby steps. A few extra words in a txt message each afternoon. A little smiley face 4 days in. She's a very 'needy' person, and OM is fulfilling whatever need right now - but she seems to be looking to me for something else... probably just familiarity.

[Still Waters]

Well it looks like my wife has started on affair #2. Heard some things from a few friends who saw her out with this guy, so I took a peek at her phone records and wouldn't you know it. The pattern is repeating. There was an explosion of text messages to OM#2 about two weeks ago, which is exactly what happened back in September with OM#1. She starts texting these guys like a teenager.

I feel like calling her up and saying "You might want to upgrade to the premium texting plan on your phone. It'll save you a ton on money, especially if you're going to be texting OM a couple hundred times a month."

I know, I know. That would be terrible for DB and I won't do it. Doesn't mean I don't want to though!

The new OM is similar to the old OM (I know them both through friends of friends). He's 31 years old and has never been in a long term relationship in his entire life. He's in a band that's going nowhere and he still lives like a college kid. My W sure knows how to pick em!

So the first OM eventually ditched my W, most likely at the end of January. Now she's after a new guy, who will most likely ditch her at some point too.

And now here I am wondering why I haven't filed for a D yet. My W has given me nothing but lies and crocodile tears. The last communication I had with her was 2 weeks ago, when she told me she was going to take the steps necessary to heal and forgive herself. I wonder which step was "Have another affair."

Anyone have any experience confronting your spouse a second time for a new affair? I'm done with exposing her to other people, but I don't know if I should confront her. I mean, this is ridiculous. I can't trust a single word she says, and this is after she told me she wanted nothing but open, honest, and direct communication between us from here on out. What she really meant when she said that was that she didn't want me to do things like expose her terrible behavior to her family anymore.

Ugh. The roller coaster continues. I know that I should focus on GAL, PMA, and LRT, and I am. But it's impossible to ignore this stuff completely.