I think what you have referred to as "backlash" is actually the pull back and it is common after you experience some good, carefree times together. Usually, it confuses the MLCer and their reaction to that is to pull back or either treat you like a total ass. They aren't in touch with the fact the good times "confuse" them though. Remember that. Most of what an MLCer feels is actually going to be acted out with either silence or anger. And usually neither of those is the REAL emotion they are feeling. In time, a MLCer should be able to address his honest feelings and deal with them accordingly. It is likely to be a while though. At this stage, you just learn to expect them to pull back. The pattern will emerge. What you have to work on is not letting what he does effect YOU. You can't be moved by his every mood swing so that would be a goal I'd set if I were you. Basically, that's part of getting a life, too. Separating yourself from the mayhem and busying yourself with other hobbies, tasks, work, etc...
As for making him a doctor's appointment, I wouldn't have done that.
It's too motherly and that can be unattractive. That's just my opinion though.
Short term ... I am having a harder time with this one....let me think about that. I know I want to learn how to roller blade, does that count? Of course that counts, it's called GAL and that is important for all. I have some books on my list of things to get to and I mean to entertain myself since I like to read. Reading is great! Find time to read some of those "Self Help" ones...they aren't so bad. I'm potty training a small boy. I hope that is very very short term. LOL!! Okay, I especially loved this one. The shorter the better!
Long term ... lots of things here. I would like to improve our financial outlook. So I have started to be more frugal and already I've saved a lot and made some bigger dents in our debt. Nothing wrong with that. Your debt is his debt and vice versa. In the long run it's a plus for you. Many times financial problems are a huge stresser! Good for you doing your best to keep it under control, however...be watchful that he is doing the same. I would like to take some bigger steps in my career which may include some more schooling. Knowledge is power. Just keep some time for you personal life. I want to continue to exercise, which I have been slacking on a bit here since I've recently started to sleeping like a normal person, it's difficult to wake up and get to it. Oh yea, how well I know when this first starts how easy the weight falls off and nothing seems to bring it back, then wham...the cheeseburger is right there on your thighs so far I am lovin your goals I have been doing yoga though once a week--love it and will continue that. I personally have not tried the yoga thing, but I understand it does wonders for you. So if you can do this...do it! For you ... I want to be able to rely on me to make me happy. I would like to be able to spend a whole weekend alone, not talk to a soul and be content doing "Me things". Yes, we must all learn to love ourselves before we can fully understand what it means to love another. Although I am a bit concerned that you are actually enjoying your time being seperated. Please, don't get me wrong cuz there is nothing wrong with that. I guess I am just not used to seeing someone so new enjoying this so much?? and I could just be misunderstanding your words. I used to do that. Before you were married and before the baby? I loved it. I want to be able to say I'm going to let this go and really do it-really let it go. If you can do this so soon into this.....well, my hat off to you. That is very hard for me right now, but I do think I've gotten much better, but still, a long road ahead of me. A very long road, but I've read most of your posts and replies to others. You are off to a great start. Try to stick to it. I want to keep working on my ability to think before I speak. That's something I've known I needed to work on but ignored it by calling myself witty. HAAA! Okay, so yea....me too. Darn near took me 3 years to shut it and think before I replied with what I thought was witty. Good for you to realize you need to work on this. I want to be a great mother. I think you already are. I want to be the person my son thinks I am. I want my husband to look at me like he used to. That might be the longest road I have to travel. And I might not get to. Now we are getting somewhere....your husband. Although it is all about getting a life...for a moment there I was thinking this was all about you. Don't start thinking negative thoughts. Your a positive person from your posts and that is a huge plus for you. I need to keep asking myself "Is this going to help my relationship?" whenever necessary, and not just with H, but with co-worker relationships, friend relationships, etc. But esp. with H. That was wonderful. I want to be more affectionate. Okay, my first thought was.."are you normally not an affectionate person"? "Did our H or others think you were not"? or maybe you are feeling that on our own? Whatever the reason...I loved your response. To me it means your really searching your soul for answers. Wonderful.
For your H ... I wish he would talk to a therapist. He doesn't "believe in that crap....I think it's been great for you, I really do, but it's not for me." I would love to see him take better care of himself. We have fought about him getting his insides checked out for about a year. I was going to let it go until recently, I saw proof things are not getting better with his insides, so I finally got him to go see a doctor. I wish he would sleep more. I think that really takes a toll on him. (He has to be at work at 4:30a.m.) The best thing about my H is I know he will continue to be a good father. The only reason I asked you this is to see what you thought of him and how you may be in some way conrolling him. He is in conrol of him and you of you. I understand you wanting to nurture him, but now is not the time. He is more than capable of doing that for himself right now. Be concerned but do not be his mother. For your family unit ... really, I just want it to stay whole with the three of us and our little dog. Yay! A dog lover. Obviously I know you love your son and H, but it's alway cool when you throw the other child in Okay, so now here you are. You are off to a great start with a good attitude. You do realize this is not all about you right? So with that in mind, find your balance. You want to restore your family, and with Gods grace you can.
You might want to consider printing up your goals so you can keep track of your forward progress! Any suggestions for my goals are welcome.
Change the Policy. Allow PM's Free all of us.
Also some new and improved emoticons would be nice!
Alright, that makes sense. Yesterday, I just ignored it. I know it was also compounded with him having a small freak out about the outcome. He was annoyed when I made the appointment. He made a comment and I looked him dead in his eyes, "No matter what happens between you and me, you are always going to be S's father. If I have to step in to make sure you're going to be around, I will for his sake. He's enamoured with you. So deal with it." The next day he said "Thanks for setting all of this up." So it ended well. But yes, I knew there was a risk there in doing that, but what I told him is really how I feel about it. Fortunately, I do have lots of hobbies. A few I do home and a few I do outside the house. I have left the house a couple of times to enjoy my hobbies and avoid a fight. And "pulled back" is how I would describe the way he acted last night, not mean but not himself either. Distracted even.
The H and I have had conversations about the finances. I wrote down all we owed in November when this started, with the advice of a good friend. I told him I am completely responsible for half of all of the debt and nothing else that is added after that day in November. He has used one of the cards, and I've made it clear again I am not going to help him pay that crap. He agreed. Oddly, I'm grateful for our debt. It's bought me some time with H. I hate being separated. I miss him. I miss the small things (how he smells after a shower) to the huge things (making plans for our lives together with the S and the dog). But I need to be able to smile and really smile, so it reaches my eyes. For a while there co-workers I barely knew were asking me if everything was ok. That's when it hit me "Snap out of it". Before H and def. before S, I would tell my parents not to call me unless it was an emergency because I was not going to deal with anyone. I got movies, books, music, junk food and just vegged out in my apartment. This was when I was living alone. I loved those weekends. I didn't get to do them often but when I did, I LOVED it. I had a new outlook on Monday. I felt more independent during that time of my life than ever before. I miss that girl sometimes. She was not afraid of being alone. Right now, I can't really let things go. I know that if H and I are going to be able to get to a reconciliation, it won't last long if I can't get past some of the crap that's happened. Some of it is really stupid and I know this, some of it is more serious but all of it can be released....I just really have to work on that skill. And no, I'm not really good at it, but I will give myself some credit that I have gotten better, but understand, I was REALLY bad. I think I am an affectionate person. I shower my son with lots of affection. I think I forgot to ration it out and give some to H too. Yup. I was that chick, had a baby and forgot about the other person in the family. I hate to admit that but it's true. I can also admit when I'm pissed I with hold the affection from H. Also, not something I'm proud of. I don't want to control him. (I do get to pick out his clothes because he's color blind, but we both agree that's good for everyone) But I want him to take better care of himself for our S who deserves to have him for as long as possible. He's the typical guy who ignores symptoms and just keeps going. That scares me. We do need him. Yes, I love the dog. She was our first major purchase, if you will, when we got together. I love her. This situation has been hard on her too. I know it's not all about me but I confess, it makes me NUTZ that H seems to think it's all about him. It makes me want to be selfish too sometimes. Sometimes I feel very balanced and sometimes I feel like I'm in a free fall. Truly this is a roller coaster. I do have the goal printed and on my mirror at home. I have the advice from my therapist (love her) and my DB Coach (love her) and some other tid bits I've picked up here. I'm a visual learner. Thanks Jeanette1120. You rock.
And the roller coaster continues. So, yesterday, my H had to have a medical procedure where he was knocked out. His father drove here to help out. My father-in-law and I were in the waiting room for just more than an hour. FIL asks, out of no where (we were both reading) "So, why did you move and take my grandson out of his home, his own bed?" I looked at him and explained there were things about the relationship between me and H that he and my parents would never know because it's private. I said "With that, last Tuesday, some things happened that pissed me the BEEP off. It was a decision for me: Be his doormat with no self respect or be a the woman I know I am with self respect to share." He sort of got wide eyed and nodded his head. I added "FIL, I love your son. Your son is a good man. We just hit a really thick, large wall that both of us built. I know what I did to get us here, to ruin the marriage. I'm working on it......I love him and I am fighting for my marriage. I just haven't told you son that in words. I'm trying to show him and give him his space." My FIL said "I think you should fight for this. I remember when I met you. I had never seen my son so happy, I have never seen him look at anyone like he looked at you then." So now, in the middle of this waiting room, I'm close to bawling. Fortunately, not a lot of people there When H's procedure is done, we go up stairs. We walk to his little corner with the curtain around his bed and the nurse says "He only has one person on his form, FIL's name." My FIL says, "No, it only says I'm driving him home. She's his wife, she's the one going in to hear what the dr. says." They go back a forth a little bit and my H is still pretty drugged up and says loudly from behind the curtain, "That's my wife....we're separated, but it still might work out." I'm elated. FIL laughs, nurse looks confused and let's us both in. The rest of the day he was affectionate, cuddly and kisses me good bye with a heartfelt thank you at the end of the night. Then, this morning, he loads onto his Facebook page pictures of our S and pictures of the two of them we had professionally done. There were pictures of us as a family, me and S and then me and H. H did not load any pictures with me in them. So it goes without saying, that hurt. (I actually killed my Facebook page to avoid this drama, but the friend I'm staying with told me when she saw it.) So, looks like I'm going to be on this roller coast for much longer. But I'm strapped in.....I think.
Well unfortunately, part of this roller coaster ride, I'm learning, is that I feel great, empowered, capable of surving this even if it ends in the big D, and then I just miss him and want to cry. So I try to capitalize when I'm having a great day and really try to stay positive. I take all the advice given to me and make organized notes. (I'm a visual learner). Day by day. That's all I can do and that's a good thing.
Breath....it's crazy, but I need to remember to do that. I feel like I forget and hold my breath way way too much. I was told by quite a few people that this would be a long roller coaster ride and so far, very very true. I'm just trying to keep my wits about me, take care of my son and hang onto my integrity, save my family while creating a new marriage with the love of my life and oh yea, keep working and pay the bills. No problem.
I wish I had words of wisdom to share, but I don't yet. I'm new to this myself. Have been following a few posts for a couple of weeks, and just began posting yesterday. I hope to gain the strength you have. At least your H shows signs of a reconciliation. Mine is dead set that he is done with me, although his actions say otherwise. Very confusing roller coaster ride, and I hate roller coasters LOL. Hang in there. I'm sure God has some kind of plan.
M:28 H:30 DD-9| DD-7| Baby- Due 11/10 T-14 | M-8
10/08- Bomb 4/09- Failed attempt at Marriage Fitness Program 3/10- WH moved out. 7/10- Informed me he's filing in Aug
so far I am lovin your goals