The physical part of your sitch, that is all the justification you need girl. No excuse, ever, don't care what chemicals are in the body!
The shame and anger will subside in due time. Of course most of it can be attributed to natural defense mechanisms. You get bit by a dog, you tend not to like that dog as much as you did before and you might even be a bit more cautious around all dogs. Just don't let it consume you. Doesn't sound like it is, but just be conscious of it.
As good as I'm feeling these days, I still get a "tweak" every now and then! The remarkable thing is how quickly it passes now! Minutes or seconds instead of hours or days.
Update: I had to go to D school yesterday to conference about her acedemics. She was diagnosed with ADD a year ago and we tried meds, I was not comfortable, so stopped. Behavior mods not working, so reeval and diagnosis commencing again and another trial to see what meds might work. I call stbx and let tell him about what is going on with D. We talk and I promise to keep him updated. I go to the bookstore to get some books on ADHD alternatives and drugs when H calls and asks me to go with him to a DRs appt in a town about 45 mins away. Another eval for PTSD for VA benefits. I agree to go and meet him at his home and we drive to the dr. We just conversate about nothing. He goes in, comes out an hour later. We drive back and he starts to ask me if we could do something as a family Friday, as it is S 1st birthday. I say that should be ok. Then he asks if we could all go to the zoo on Sat. I say I have plans. He talks about maybe when the weather warms up, we could all go fishing on the boat. I make an excuse that he never just lets me fish on the boat. He asks me again about going to Cali in April. I said that I was not sure about going and I will think about letting S go with him.
When we get to his house, he says "I got some movies maybe you and the kids can come over tonight" I say it is a school night and thank you, but no thanks. He says, "well it's ok, I can just make sure everyone gets up early in the morning so you can get to work, D can get to school and I will spend morn with Bubba and bring him to daycare later."
WTF?
"No thanks, it is a school night and it would be very inconvenient for us to do that." He invites me into his house, but I say I have to go, I have an appt. He asks what for, I tell him it's personal and I will talk to him later. This of course drives him nuts that I won't tell him what the appt is for (its to see an IC) so I make up that I am going to get a massage. He says "no it's not, just tell me..."
I take off with a wave as he thanks me for going with him to drs. (He looks so sad when I leave)
I see the IC and do and assesment. I like her, I think she can help me and hopefully next week we can do some work.
H called while I was at appt and left a message to ask me how my mysterious appt went. I call a few hours later and he presses me more about it, and I ignore it, joke about how I saw a palm reader. We laugh. He asks again for me and the kids to come over and spend the night. He says he would like to have us there so he could get a decent night's sleep for the first time in a long time. Particularly that he wants to sleep in the same bed as me.
I don't berate him or get impatient him, I gently tell him that it is a school night and that it would be inconvenient for us all to go across town to his house when we are here, the school is across the street and the daycare is a street over. I say, maybe another time.
He sighs, says ok. I tell him to have a good night.
I am not torn over these recent events. I know where I have to go. I know there will be no real changes on his part until he is willng to look within and do some work on his own. I feel a little sorry for him, and I won't lie, I thought last night as I was lying in bed alone, how nice it would have been to feel his arms wrapped around me and his breath on my neck...
But I am jsut not willing to get sucked into this. I feel so much better now that I have made up my mind. I think I getting stonger now that I chose to stop fighting for my M and stand up for me. I can be nice to him without wanting to return to the situation.
Still miss him though. That will be the hard part, to not miss him so damn much.
Tonight stbx txts me to ask me and the kids to come over tonight. I tell him no, again, it is a school night and it would be very inconvenient. stbx: I have a movie me: you can bring it here and watch stbx: please come over, I always fing ask me: it is just easier on the three of us if you come here stbx: I can't I have someone coming by to drop off a resume (stbx is a corporate recruiter and works out of a home office) me: ok.
I am a little weirded out that he is now wanting to spend all this time together. He wants to make plans for Friday because it is S's 1st birthday. I have a feeling he is going to want me to spend time with him this weekend-I have plans with friends.
My friend wants to set me up on a date-but I am not nearly ready. It makes me nervous to even think about a date, besides the fact that for some reason, I would be worried about stbx's reaction if he found out.
I've decided. That's the only explanation I can come up with....
All of the rest of this "explanation of their 'behavior,' and labeling of their current state of being..." It all comes down to... They're just a freakin' pain in the a$$!
MB
PS - Not all, but definitely OURS!
PSS - I see you're in NC. My H is currently wishing we would have decided to move to Wilmington/Wrightsville Beach a few years back. He loved this development... Landfall? If we end up there, I'll look for you for a shot and a beer! I'll handle the commute, where ever you are!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I am right down the road from Wilmington (45 mins) and often think about moving there myself! I will hold you to that beer and shot, woman!
I know that yor sitch has been tough, but I think that you are doing really well and give it a little more time to get to the intimacy. I have the opposite problem, I know stbx would love to have the sex, without the "friendship".
Oh well-you are right, definite pain in the a$$ is right. Stbx txted me AGAIN today to ask me to come over tonight. I gave him the same reply as usual. Looks like I will be spending part of the day with him tomorrow for S's birthday.
I am a little pissed off right now though because he also let me know he will be taking S to Hawaii this summer for about 2 weeks. His sister is marrying this dirtbag. He was my friend's hubby-yes, they had an affair, he left his wife and child for my sister-in-law, stbx knew and helped facilitate the affair(ANOTHER reason to let my dirtbag go) and now everyone in his family acts like it is such a great thing that sister-in-law found this great guy. No mention about how she pretended to be friends with his wife while sleeping with her hubby and no mention that he signed away his parental rights to his son in an effort to avoid paying child support so that he can pay for her materialistic, vain and dumb ass.
I do not want my son around these people. But I cannot control what stbx does when he has visitation. It just makes me furious to think of it all.
I really wish he could leave me alone. Any insight into why he is suddenly pushing for all of this time? I want to be able to let go and have a working relationship with him. Do you think if I keep gently turning him down for requests to spend time he will eventually stop? Or do you think he will just feel rejected and resort to his usual mind games?
You know, sometimes I get so mad at myself for putting up with everything for so damned long. I mean, clearly this man has no moral courage. No morals period. We have completely different viewpoints on life. Two seperate sets of values and if I had met his family before I married him, there would not have been a marriage-period.
His father is a mysoginistic, narcassitic a$$hole who lives his life vicariously through his sons, which he calls his "studs"-disgusting, I know.
His mother is an enabling coddler that has never held her son to any standard of decency. She lost custody of him when he was 5 (due to her boyfriend, later husband, who beat the mess out of stbx. She chose the MAN over her SON because her self esteem is so low, she could not be without the guy-note-the guy eventually left her for someone younger and now has small children with his newer wife) and cannot live down the guilt, therefore she overly praises stbx and tells him to do whatever makes him happy-to include abandoning his family and that even though he threw away his family and his career, due to his bad behavior, that he has displayed nothing but disdain for her, she still lavishes him with praise and gives him money and gifts.
His father really takes the cake though. I really despise this guy and I have tried so hard to get along with him, but he tries to cut me every chance he gets and he and the other son always make some reference to my ethnicity. Stbx's brother actually called my son a half breed (I am half asisan). Father and brother actually knew about OW 4 years ago and were "high-fiving" stbx on landing another woman who was willing to lavish gifts on him and give him so much money.
My son will be spending 2 weeks in hawaii with these types of people. How could I have been so blind to have married into a family like this. How could I not have seen that stbx was just like his family. I thought he was special and different. I thought he would be the one to rise above...
I am a little pissed off right now though because he also let me know he will be taking S to Hawaii this summer for about 2 weeks. His sister is marrying this dirtbag. He was my friend's hubby-yes, they had an affair, he left his wife and child for my sister-in-law, stbx knew and helped facilitate the affair(ANOTHER reason to let my dirtbag go) and now everyone in his family acts like it is such a great thing that sister-in-law found this great guy. No mention about how she pretended to be friends with his wife while sleeping with her hubby and no mention that he signed away his parental rights to his son in an effort to avoid paying child support so that he can pay for her materialistic, vain and dumb ass.
OKOKOK... quick, ignorant and catty comment... I bet these people have a bunch of missing teeth, too! LOL GOD! WTF?
And, can you extend your S's breast-feeding for another year? H can't take him that far away from his "source"!
On a serious note... I am all about being fair w/visitation and schedules, but your S seems awfully young to be separated from you for two weeks. Just some food for thought. If it helps.
Last edited by mindblank; 02/20/0904:13 AM.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Any insight into why he is suddenly pushing for all of this time? I want to be able to let go and have a working relationship with him. Do you think if I keep gently turning him down for requests to spend time he will eventually stop? Or do you think he will just feel rejected and resort to his usual mind games?
He is either re-thinking the situation, or thinking this separate, but still together might work for awhile.
Without knowing H, it's hard to know how he'll handle the eventual detachment. I say let the MoFo experience a little rejection! (Talk about spiteful! Sorry, not a good influence...)
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
