It's Complicated! Part 4

[glamgirl]

Thanks Dawn for stopping by.

I was angry today. Yesterday I spoke to h around 10am and then that was it the rest of the day. Now he normally comes on Monday, but since d5 was sick I stayed home with her.

I would have thought h would call and say hey Glam since you have it covered I won't be over or I have a ton of work to do, but nothing. I was thinking are we back to him NOT communicating again.

Well I woke up angry. I was thinking what am I wasting my time with. Is it too much to ask to just communicate. I would give h the same consideration. Anyway was having doubts today.

I did call h today with something that I needed to go over with him. I left him a nice message. He did not answer.

Well, later in the morning he sent me a text saying Glam I am so sorry about yesterday. He said I will drop by this evening and bring you some money. I was really suprised that he sent me a message. I thought his behavior was going to go by without being addressed. I was very appreciative that he sent that text.

I just responded and said thanks H, what happened. He didn't respond. Well we will see what he has to say later.

[dl443322]

Hey G, I do admire your patience so much. I think you have to go back to zero expectations or you are going to continue to be disappointed and get angry.

Your h is not all the way through the journey. You have to decide if you can continue to move forward and not expect too much from your h or not.

I think you shouldnt call him or text him unless absolutley necessary.

It seems he is still not ready to make a real committment.

[glamgirl]

BM you are so right. I didn't want to call him today, but I needed his help. I also try to think and respond not by how he is acting, but what I would do.

Meaning if he doesn't call then I don't want to behave the same way. I know h will see my consistency and respectfulness.

It's hard to know what they are going through. We don't see life through their eyes or heart.

Yeah real committment. You got that right. Just trying to get through each day too.

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, GG!

It must be really hard the little steps back after thinking you're beyond that.......I know if I ever make it to the point you are at now, I will likely be bald because I will have pulled all my hair out!! And I really wouldn't make a pretty bald woman either. I'm not like Sinead O'Connor or Annie Lennox who have that perfect shaped head and beautiful face so they can carry it off. No, I'd look more like.......well, maybe Walter Cronkite (I'm dating myself here)......it's just not a pretty picture to contemplate........

But, I digress........

Hang in there, sweetie!!!! [[[[[[hugs]]]]]]

[Upside]

Glam-
I think there always seems to be some sort parallels in our situations...

Other than Friday night this last weekend, as far as I knew, my H had no plans. I thought he would make at least some kind of attempt to spend time with me. He did come over for a few hours on Saturday but only after I had let him know that since it was Valentine's Day, I would appreciate his company. Sunday I heard nothing from him. I was kind of irritated but then we had a C appointment on Monday. My H's explaination helped me understand a little...he told me that he was in a funk and just wanted to be left alone....that it had nothing to do with me and that he wants to work toward having a personal life (w/me) again. He plans on doing that by taking a position where he used to work and giving up his private practice. He even told the C if he doesn't end up making the career change, he will have to spend many hours with him individually so he can figure out how to cope with everything so he can have a life again. I seem to forget that no matter how normal my H acts, his thinking is still not clear.

I sometimes wonder if it is all excuses but at least at the moment, I don't really think so. What I see is that our H's are the one's going down the virtually cheeseless, dead-end tunnels. They keep traveling down different tunnels but each one so far has lead them down another path where they may find a crumb or two to sustain them but ultimately they still need to find a way out of the maze altogether.

I know my H sees his future with me just as I believe your H does with you. Hold on for as long as you can. Appreciate your H's efforts and remember that his inappropriate actions are not because of you or your M...it is about him. He is trying to figure out it...unfortunately it just takes time...lots and lots of time.

I hope I make sense!!!

(((HUGS)))

[glamgirl]

Oh my gosh so H just left after an hour of talking or should I say voice raising on h's part. I don't even think he realizes that he is raising his voice when he is talking.

I am not even sure how the convo got started, but the next thing I know h is reliving 3 years ago again and again and again.

He started saying how I back stabbed him, went to his family, didn't stand by him the very person he loved and m threw him out on the street and talked bad of him. Oh my gosh it was just a mess.

I was very calm through this whole thing. Trying to talk to my h like h you need to do something to get the anger out. What are your plans. He said he doesn't know what to do. Doesn't want me to bring up his family, doesn't want to make amends with them, wants me to stay out of it. Not that I have been doing anything other than wishing them happy holidays as each holiday rolls around.

He said he doesn't feel comfortable in the house because I took charge, was head of the household made decisions about buying a car, a refrigerator etc and he just can't see himself living with me.

He said I didn't stand by him with his business. I called him on it and said h you were making unethical business decsions, did you expect me to stand by you. He said yes, you should have stood by me regardless.

He mentioned how unhappy he was in the m and failed at trying to make everyone happy. He said he is trying to find his happiness. He said if you don't like it file the D papers and he would sign them.

I just hope the kids didn't hear h. He was not yelling or shouting, but he was saying things with all this anger in his voice as if it happened yesterday.

He went back to on his timing, he doesn't know what the future looks like, he is trying to be the best parent and husband to me that he knows how.

Then I said something about this couldn't last forever and that I wanted a m, and I wanted a man in my life. Ok those were not good choice words and h jumped up off the couch and said you want a man in your life then go find one.

I said h that is not what I meant, I meant that I wanted a m and my husband living here in the house and he said well that is not what you said. Then he said I am leaving. See you tomorrow.

He also said I talked with you and now I don't feel any better. You want me to communicate, but then it doesn't make us feel better.

Ok so this convo came out of left field. It wasn't like I said h we need to talk. He just started spilling this all out.

I didn't walk him to the door. Just said goodnight h see you tomorrow. I will let him stew overnight and see what the am brings.

Yikes! Is this what reconciliation is all about? I am so proud of myself. I was calm the whole time. The old me would have gotten angry and raised my voice too.

I am doing good, but when h left I just sat and cried. It seems like we are so far away. My guess, he isn't coming home any time soon. He mentioned that if he came home he would be angry all the time and that is not what he wants for himself.

Wow!

[Truelove]

Hi glamgirl,

Sorry your H has gone back two steps again. Mine also started to complain about the past and what I did or didn't do at least twice during the last year.

I guess this is piecing and I know how frustrating it can get. You seem to do well by not blowing up. I used to be like you and also blew up, but I also tried very hard to change that habit.

Good luck with your patience. (((HUGS)))

[dl443322]

Hey GG, you did great! Listen and validate, thats the mantra, right? I think this is all part of coming out of the tunnel. He has to relive it all and work it out.

I would pull back and not say anything as he is trying to figure things out.

This is a long journey for them and they have to go through all the steps in order to come out whole again.

Patience, patience and more patience. Nothing wrong with you punching a pillow or throwing something when you are alone though.

[job]

Glam,
I'm sorry he's revisiting the past once again. This happens when they are very close to end of their crisis. They go back and revisit each and every issue and once this happens and they settle down again, he'll be back and acting like the person you've been around lately.

I wouldn't call or tm him for a while. He's got a lot to think about, so let him stew in his own place. Glam, keep your expectations at zero. He's moving along nicely, but I think he started out moving too quickly and now he's realized that he's got some things that need to be resolved within himself. It's not you and yes, they do come from out of left field sometimes w/this pent up anger, etc. Just step aside and allow him to vent and then let it go.

He's growing up, Glam.

[glamgirl]

Thanks for all the support. I do not plan on contacting him. He is again out of the area during the day, so will not be available to help afterschool with s7. Probably for the best.

He said he would stop by this evening. I am just going to be nice and not mention a thing.

It was weird, he was saying I was a hypocrit and judging him, he said that I was living in the past and bringing things up that made him relive the past. He said how could I get close to you Glam.

He said he was not interested in going to church or God, since I took my own path on that years ago. This was 7 years ago that I started to go to church by myself since h didnt want to go to church, so I picked one by myself. He again threw this in my face. I said h if you want to go to church we can do that. He said no it's too late you already made choices for yourself.

Oh my gosh, it was like are you really serious here. I said h it seems as if nothing I do makes you happy. He said that is how I feel. He said nobody ever apologized to him. I said h I did apologize and I did forgive you. He said you haven't forgiven me. I also said you owe some apologies yourself. He said I am not ready.

He talked about becoming whole again and how he is not whole. He said he can't help me until he feels whole again. He said something about how he is speaking to me and not to his family and that they are blood.

Then he said something about does the past matter. We have some unfinished business, which I can move on from, but the past 3 years he has been saying he will discuss with me when he is ready. He now says he isn't sure he will ever discuss with me.

Well if the past doesn't matter, then why is he spending some much time and space entertaining it. He said that he has spent months, hours days going over the scenario in his mind of what happened and why and all he can conclude is that his family and I stabbed him in the back.

Obviously I can't help my h right now. He will need to see that things were said under stress, high emotions and that just because things were said and done that were NOT loving at the moment, doesn't mean that I don't love him.

Lot's to sort through. I try to sort out what he is saying, but maybe I should't even try at this point. It's his perspective not mine.

I guess I will just continue to be kind and love unconditionally. What else can I do?