I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders ____________________________________________________ M 46 H 45 D 17 M/T 23 Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06 Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07 Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08
((((all)))) Sorry- this is long and just general journalling. Good luck those who try to read it!
No test results yet- given its the NHS and I wasn't sure if my private cover would extend beyond this month (work pays for it), it's going to be a couple of weeks yet. We shall see.
Things are OK here- I'm almost tempted to say good, but that's not very English. Clearly it's been too long since I posted aswell because I can barely remember what was happening at the time. I had to go back and check. So....
I didn't go to lunch at Borough market with the hot guy from next door because when I got into work there was tons to sort out (my FD was supposed to do it and didn't). So the guys from the office across the hall started helping me out; one made me tea, hot guy bought me lunch, another two helped me shift the office (our old office was about 10 yards away, so I didn't manage to convince anyone to ask me out within a day, K!), the other one bought me a magazine to read and tried to help me find a job and then hot guy bought some drinks in the evening and we had a sort of housewarming party for the new office.
That day CEO wasn't in, but he checked on me during the day. When he found out I was alone and FD hadn't done his job he got on his case and sorted it out for me even though he was ill.
Since then I've been in the office every day, sometimes with CEO, sometimes with CEO and Cockney guy. Interesting and funny times. None of the guys across the hall come near me when CEO is about, he having successfully intimidated them all and established himself as the dominant male. When Cockney guy has been in things have been very quiet, but when it's just me and CEO alone it's all laughing and chatting. However, nothing has 'moved', I guess, in that situation. I didn't expect anything to until work finishes. Speaking of which....
Last week CEO got some preliminary confirmation that there might be funding for my project to continue. It was really good news as it means the company can continue to exist in some form, but when he told me about it he was really forceful, I guess is the word. I was FURIOUS, and walked off saying I wasn't going to discuss it with him in the hall (picture me standing in the lifts pressing the 'close door' button repeatedly and him standing in the hall outside saying 'call me if you want to talk'). I didn't call as I had dinner with H that day but on the way home I got a very long apologetic message from CEO saying how sorry he was that he'd handled telling me badly, that he was just wanting to tell me and do the best he could and sorry again.
It was so sweet- no-one ever apologises to me if I get angry (or at least I can't remember the last time it happened, although I don't tend to get upset with many people apart from CEO I think). And he sounded so nervous and sweet doing it. The next day he called first thing to apologise again and check I'd got his message, and said he'd felt really bad for making me unhappy. Anyway, this is a very long description of a little event that made me realise how nice it is to be able to disagree and make up afterwards.
This week we've been mainly alone in the office. Every day when CEO walks in and says hello to me in the usual soft/sweet/flirtatious way looking me straight in the eye, my heart skips a beat. We've had lunch together every day and he's been lingering afterwards to talk- books, film, politics, religion, sport, science, business, ethics, finance, architecture, art. It's challenging me in a way that I haven't been since I was at school and it's good. Really good.
I do think I have to get out of there though- in a way it's a relief that it'll only be another two days. I'm still not sure he's that keen on me though. I think he had a date at the weekend (although I'm not sure he was that keen on her). But on the other hand, he's said he wants to come with me to visit my friend next month on a Sunday (he wants to pitch an idea for a TV series to him!), and when I was buying England tickets (football/soccer) he was angling for an invitation, so we're nominally going to see the game together assuming he doesn't book his holiday over that day. Who knows. He's an alpha male so theoretically he should want to pursue me. Either he doesn't want to, or something is stopping him. Anyway, I'll keep you guys posted but try to keep it shorter next time!
H is unchanged. No opinions to offer particularly- it didn't bother me before but did last time I saw him. We're still exchanging e-mails aswell, so I guess it's a good being friends outcome. I'm quite happy with that. You know, the other day at lunch CEO said to me that he was surprised when he met H as he thought I'd have been married to a complete stud (I think this was supposed to be a compliment), whereas in fact H was nervous and lacked strength. Maybe he wonders about my taste in men. I do too, to be honest. Although I'm not in an R with CEO, I notice myself that there's an energy about the interaction that wasn't there with H. I feel like I'm being stretched and pushed to educate and inform myself, to have opinions and express them and to stand my ground. That's how I was years ago and somewhere along the way I lost that girl (years- really, like 15 or more years). I feel sort of young and alive and it's good to have been reminded what I was like, and what I can be.
Anyway, that's about it from here. A very CEO oriented post because he's forcing me to question myself and it's changing my perspective (not on him per se, but on myself). Next week normal service should resume as I'll be out of the testosterone bath!
You're a fast reader! I hope you're not fast in all departments
I was thinking the same thing when I had that conversation with CEO, and yes, I think H has lost something. He used to be so quietly confident; he would never push an opinion on anyone, but he was lovely to speak to, intelligent and sure of himself. Now he's slightly nervous, lacking confidence and surety in who he is and it really shows. So sad really, because he was amazing (and very studly) before, and now he's just, I don't know.....not!
How are you, BTW? I'm wearing my favourite purple fluffy ones tonight!
Hopefully not so fast in other departments. Though I am out of practice!
I wondered if H had lost that sort of quality somewhere. It's sad, since I don't think there is anything you can do to help him get it back. Perhaps it is a symptom of too much eggplant.
I'm doing ok. We will tell the two little(er) guys tonight. I will be better when that is done!
The purple fluffy ones! They go great with.... hmmmmm..... I can't think of anything to wear them with.....
ROTFLMAO. There should be a government warning on that. I may have to write to Gordon Brown about it tomorrow morning so no-one else falls foul.
Originally Posted By: Virtually_Handsome
We will tell the two little(er) guys tonight. I will be better when that is done!
Good luck. I'll be thinking of you while I sleep. Oh.... dreaming of you But seriously, I hope it goes well. I know you'll be able to handle it brilliantly as you're such a good Dad.
Hey chica! Glad to hear things are going well. Very interesting interaction with CEO and it seems like he is pushing you to examine yourself more and that's always a good thing, right?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Hey Lisa, I'm glad you are ok too.. at least I think you are, but I couldnt really tell! Perhaps you are putting a 'brave face' on it, or maybe you really are ok. I hope the tests arent anything too serious.
As for H.. you said "H is unchanged. No opinions to offer particularly- it didn't bother me before but did last time I saw him. We're still exchanging e-mails as well" ...what do you mean, no opinions to offer? What his or yours and on what? And what are you exchanging emails about and are you still sending yours in a 'dbing' way, or just being natural, like an old friend now? Just wondered!
As for CEO.. I didnt get why you were so angry, sorry.. it sounded like good news that your project is continuing, but then you said you are out of there in 2 days??? Does that mean, you will no longer work for CEO? I guess you two will stay in touch as you seem to have quite the friendship goign! And yes, the comment on your H not being enough of a stud was surely a compliment! Anyway, not sure what it was you were so angry abuot, but he seemed very keen to apologise and make it right between the two of you, so I still have high hopes for you and CEO!
Thanks for your help on my thread, I appreciate your perspective! Sounds like I dont have much more than you now though (email friendship) and in fact less, as I havent met my ex for a drink for 3 months, but at least you still see H!
Interesting you are now questioning who you are and who you want to be in an R with and how different you may behave, as a woman, but then, you were bound to change after such a big upheaval in your life as H leaving. I think us LBS have all changed (not so the WAS perhaps!)
Gosh- I was just going to write a short post but maybe I can answer some of your questions Al!
Re. the tests- yes, I am fine. I don't feel worried or concerned. Whatever will be will be as they say. To be honest it seems pretty unstressful after all the other upheavals of the past couple of years so I am genuinely fine.
Re. H not having any opinions. It was him who didn't have any opinions to offer- I met him straight after I'd been for the tests, and a couple of hours after I'd walked out on CEO and I asked him what he thought I should do in my work situation and about my tests and he didn't have an opinion of offer on either front. Maybe it was a surprise I was asking (although it's quite normal for me to seek his opinion), but nevertheless no opinions were forthcoming.
Re. exchanging e-mails with H, I'm not DBing them- I'm just being completely normal in them. But having said that I've felt like I've been totally normal in the e-mails I've been sending him for the past 8 months at least so I've not 'stopped' DBing exactly. H and I are lucky in that we've always been able to communicate throughout the S, and it's nice that we still are now. Next week we're going to the Lindsay House for his birthday, which should be fun, and yesterday he called to check on what had happened with my job, and we then had a coffee in the afternoon. I'm quite happy with the way things have worked out- I even talk to him about CEO and he seems to be OK with that. Not feelings talk- just events and facts. He still doesn't mention the aubergine, but I guess he'll decide if and when he starts being able to discuss that kind of thing with me.
Re. CEO- I was really angry because although it was good news he was giving me, he gave it to me in the form of an ultimatum, that he'd decided on the course of action and I couldn't negotiate or influence it. Since we've been working towards getting this outcome together that was pretty aggravating to hear; we're supposed to be a team, not me as his slave and him the master (although he does often joke that I'm his slave and I must be happy to have achieved such an important station in life!). He realised he was out of order, though, which is why he apologised (so sweet!).
Re. being out of there in two days, CEO couldn't offer me the single position available because there are two project managers at the company now and he had to run a competitive selection process between us. My equivalent who was competing with me has been very underhanded this week about that, so it's been delaying me hearing the outcome. Good news, though- CEO called to say he was giving me the position this morning. One less thing to think about (at least for another 6 months as the contract is milestone/target based).
Re. will I still be working for CEO.... I'm not sure- at the beginning of the week I thought not, but during this week we;ve been discussing his career options quite a bit and he thinks he'd like to continue with the project with me, so he'd be my part-time boss, I suppose. I'm not too happy about that and he knows it. Having said that, it's not really typical to take your boss on a day-trip to Somerset to have lunch with your friends, is it? I could ask him about it, but I'm so DB that I'm just following his actions. That and also I think he'd hate to have a discussion about 'us'. Alpha males
So, buried in there is the good news I wanted to post- my job is safe for at least another 6 months. Phew! CEO said he thought I was the best (all hell would have broken loose if he hadn't said that!), and that I'd been the most loyal over the past few months and he'd noticed and appreciated it.
Will try to visit you guys over the weekend- I really ought to go to work now!
