LE - I hear you buddy, I miss my boys terribly, but you need to move on for you and try and accept, although this isn't your fault or your doing, you get the time you get so don't waste a single second of that time. It's precious time and all you've got right now so just enjoy it.
I also hate the exchanges too, I don't get those conversations, but generally a bit of grief in some format. Let her know about their time, ask about any activities coming up I should know of and then I get out ASAP. I don't want to know any of her business and unfortunately, due to small town syndrom I do find out little bits and they throw the old brain a bit so I'm with you. Best not to know.
I'm not sure you can reply to that text without sounding, desperate, nasty, or just babbling so I personally would avoid it. Anytime I get a non kids related texts or question type text, I ignore it. As someone said above, they are trying to make themselves feel better as they now see it's the kids who are really hurt in all this.
I'm not sure you can reply to that text without sounding, desperate, nasty, or just babbling so I personally would avoid it.
You know me well. I have drafted a couple of e-mail replies, but you echo what someone else here said and my brother and a friend at work told me, she is trying to make it about her, which is her MO. I have to forgive myself first and that is slow in coming. Anyway, hope you were able to get around at least. I am hearing much about the snow and schools being closed all over the UK. Sounds like today may be getting back to normal.
M42 S12/D9 T17/M12 Bomb 1 3/22/06 Bomb 2 7/11/08 Bomb 3 7/31/08 W Filed 8/1/08 D granted 12/17/08 D Finalized 1/29/09
A man who compromises his principles never had them in the first place.
{{{LE}}}} You are such an amazing man who should NOT be taking the blame on himself for your marriage problems..please do forgive yourself, see yourself as the rest of us see you, a kind, wonderful, caring, compassionate, amazing man who has no control over this other persons's actions and responses!
I hope you are having a great day!
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
hey neighbor. I replied to you in email yesterday my thoughts on what your W was doing. thinking today, a little more. next time you have to see her, be different. not like extra nice to her, just different, idk, clothes hair, something. DONT let her see you sad I guess is what i am getting at, and DONT let her know she gets to you. MAKE HER SEE WHAT SHE LOST.
hang in there and lotsa hugs
M 36 XH 34 3 children If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand. Mark 3:25 "your mood swings are giving me whiplash" twilight ALIVE FREE AND HAPPY 2010
I am lurking, but not much worth posting. I blew up at XW and OM at D's basketball game. Not proud of that. Trying to get to a point where I can forgive her and start on an upward track. Everything is still to raw though, so I will languish around in anger a little longer. It is the easiest emotion to grab and deal with the pain at this point. I have had glimpses of what things will be like when I let it all go and just worry about myself.
M42 S12/D9 T17/M12 Bomb 1 3/22/06 Bomb 2 7/11/08 Bomb 3 7/31/08 W Filed 8/1/08 D granted 12/17/08 D Finalized 1/29/09
A man who compromises his principles never had them in the first place.
{{{LE}}} thanks for posting that and being honest about it..I think that is a great step toward you getting out of the anger stage, being willing to "fess up" to it.
I hate so much that you are in that stage, but you are, of course, totally allowed to be angry..of COURSE you are angry..I told my daughter the other day my hub is just fortunate that I don't subscribe to the Carrie Underwood philosophy, you know the "carving my name into his leather seats, knocking out the headlights in his car..etc" LOLOL..it kinda sounded tempting tho LOL
It IS scary isn't it to be "stepping off the ledge" into the unknown..reminds me of that Indiana Jones movie (I think the 2nd one..I don't remember) where he has to step off the ledge onto totally NOTHING it seems..but really there were steps/rocks there that couldn't be seen from that angle..
You are such a GOOD and caring and kind man and you deserve happiness, which is really my reason for wanting you to let go of the anger..but in your own time my friend!
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
My B-day is Saturday (Valentine's Day)...I'll be turning 39 (f0r real this year...ask me again next year and you might get the same answer!), and I'm having an ice cream breakfast and going to the beach (the water's too cold, but our white sand is still the most beautiful in my opinion).
You should come...and bring the kids if you can...I'd email you a proper invite, but you've never offered and to let me have your email address (like you did for Tawnya). I did ask mC about it once, but he wouldn't to give it without your permission. So, this invite will have to do!
Hang in there, LE! You'll feel better if you can let the anger go. And, in my own personal experience, you can only do that with God's CONSTANT help...cause you have to keep doing it over and over and over again!
Love to you! Amy
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
A few thoughts from someone that has been divorced for a long time. One thing that might help with the "forgiveness" is if you start to get in the mindset that you are actually lucky to be getting out of the relationship with her. I'm glad I'm divorced from my first wife. She isn't someone I'd want to be with...so why shouldn't I be glad for that? I know it sucks having visitation. Ten years later, it still isn't great. My kids are old enough now that my son drives over to the house...so I don't see my XW except for the kids' activities. I talk to her very infrequently. In some ways it's dysfunctional, since we aren't really coparenting as much as separately parenting, but it's nice not to have to talk to her much. I think the anger stems from the fact that you still want her back...so it's very hard to move forward. If possible, don't put yourself in the position to even have to see her. Stay in the car at drop-off and pick-up. I would knock, wait for the kids, and then get the heck out of there without going in her house. I wouldn't even have to see my XW. It's how I preferred. She's not my friend or anyone I like. Shoot for indifference rather than sulking.
Get the kids some kind of wardrobe as quick as you financially are able. You won't regret being able to make two homes for your kids. Make sure you let them know it's their home. Say, "ready to go home?" about going to your house. They'll get used to this over time and it won't be so hard.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
PHX2--a lot of what you say speaks to me about her and wanting to be free of the hold she has on me. I guess I want her to in some way feel the amount of pain she has inflicted upon me and our children. Part of me is looking back at my own Beaver Cleaver-esque childhood and thinking if it had been a little tougher for me, maybe I would be better able to deal with the reality of the situation. Not that I wanted my parents to D because they had a sound marriage, I just never was presented with anything other than a "go to work, pay your bills, love your family and everything is easy" mentality.
My S did not want OM coming to his game, but D said it was OK. So XW poses the question to them? If she thinks that it might be a problem for them, then why not spare their feelings and not even make it an issue. But, this is how she has done it from the get go. A co-worker said that this behavior now is what will damage her reputation with them later. They will remember the tension she made them feel. I am not in some competition with her for their love, I just want them to not have to worry about the consequences of what might happen if they go against her wishes.
I have been buying clothes for them as much as I can. D threw this in W's face, saying "Daddy takes me to Gap and you only buy me Wal-Mart stuff." I don't want D having a sense of entitlement, and I took her there to buy her some nicer clothes to wear to church and for going out for dinner. XW sees this as some sort of game as well. The issue arises when it is time to go home and they are wearing stuff I bought and then it never gets back to me. Last weekend D stripped off her clothes in the entry and tossed them back to me. I hate that as well. It is all just a game.
I do avoid long exchanges with XW, and you are right, it isn't co-parenting, it is parenting separately. She has had OM--twice married/twice divorced--there coaching her every step of the way on how things should be and she has happily gone down this road. I still have to think she is going to wake up one morning and realize the only thing that changed is the guy in the bed next to her and everything else is no better, but worse.
I can't say that I want her back as that feeling is fading quickly, I just want to know that she isn't getting off scot free for her part in all of this. Maybe that comes later when OM wises up and takes off, but hopefully not when S gets in trouble for something like drugs at school or D comes home at 14 and says "Mom, I'm pregnant." Just seeing the physical changes in S and how he carries himself, I can sense the heartbreak going on inside of him. D is somewhat distant with me and reluctant to talk on the phone. It all hurts so damn much and there is nothing more I can really do at this point.
Thanks for the advice and sharing. It is already better than it was, and I can see a light coming from somewhere.
M42 S12/D9 T17/M12 Bomb 1 3/22/06 Bomb 2 7/11/08 Bomb 3 7/31/08 W Filed 8/1/08 D granted 12/17/08 D Finalized 1/29/09
A man who compromises his principles never had them in the first place.
