Guys I guess you have learned by now, it takes awhile for me to really absorb what people tell me. I guess if I am gonna WAIT, I have to get past the anger and not pay any attention to what he says or does. Or try and figure him out...hmmm I think snodderly has tried to tell me this a million times. I think I just needed to make sure he still cared and if so then JUST MAYBE it was worth the wait. I just didnt want to wait on someone that really just doesnt LOVE me anymore. Someone that I may have made so unhappy that they never want to return.
Alright I am trying to read the MLC Resource Threads but when I click on one of the links in red it just taskes me to the message board home page....what am i doing wrong? I really need to read this.
Thanks for posting the link. I was having the same problem.
I've been trying to understand what happened to my H since we split last June and some of these links have been very enlightening. Won't fix anything as the divorce should be final in a few months or less, but hopefully I will someday soon understand that this is about him and not me.
I guess my point would be that trying to figure out what is in his head isn't going to do anything but drive you crazy. So, I'll do it, anyway! I would expect that at some level he isn't feeling very good about himself. But, he isn't going to want to blame himself for that. So, who is the easiest person to blame? I think you can figure that one out! He's got to work though that and accept what he has done before he can really come back. And there's not much you can do to help him. All you can do is work on yourself so that you are ready when it is time.
I don't think it is a good idea to do things for the purposes of "playing a card". You should do them because they are the "right" thing for you. You go dark not because you want him to react, but to allow yourself the room to breathe. The difference is sometimes subtle, but after a while you'll start to feel it. DBing is about saving your M, but is really about saving yourself.
Renee, You can still believe in your marriage and continue moving forward. You do not wait on anything. Life doesn't wait for us, it continues to move forward each and every day. Learn to live your life to the fullest, enjoy the time you spend w/your child and leave your h out there swinging in the wind.
You didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him. Work on you and what you want to do w/your life. Do not change for him, you change for you. Do not do things that you think will "trick" him into returning. Each and everything you do has to be genuine and for you and your son. If your h likes the changes and he's matured enough, he just might want to paddle back over to your pond once again, but....it's going to a long time from now.
Do not put your life on hold. That is the worse thing you can do. Live it to the fullest!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sunshine, you know what I like about you? Even though you are making a lot of mistakes (Like most of us in the beginning) you are willing to listen and change your ways.
You seem to know what your weaknesses are and you are willing to improve them.
You have to figure out what it is you really want. It sounds like you are choosing reconciliation. There are no promises that they will be back. You could do all this work and he could still remain out there. The good news is, you will be improving yourself along this journey if you are willing to listen to the advice given to you. VH and Snodderly give great advice.
My husband has been gone for almost 3 years (He is one of the worst MLCers on this board) but I don't think I would of been able to survive this journey and become a better person if it wasn't for the friends I made on these boards.
Thanks for all the advice. I have had the worst Valentines Daof my life! I spoke with my xh briefly on the 14 to ask him to help with my electric bill. He gives me little help and I have never asked him to help with this bill before, but these is no way I can pay it this time. Anyway, thats my excuse for calling. So as I am speaking to him, he mentions he has company and that he cant talk, I ask if it is the ow, (which i shoudnt have) and he replies that yes its his "girlfriend" and that he is spending the day with her, he goes on to tell me that they are officially boyfriend and girlfriend and he doesnt wont to be bothered. Well I knew they had been together, but to hear him say it, it ripped out my heart. I let the anger get the best of me, I decided right then and there that he doesnt want to come bacfk. He told me she makes him happy and they COULD talk about marriage in the future. Just a few days ago, he was gonna dump her and now he is talking about marrying her? He said he just changed his mine basically. I guess this is where I need to face reality. They are happy and there is nothing I can do about it. I just dont understand how he can change his mind so easily and swith directions without even thinking. When I asked if this meant I was out of his life forever he replied NO and that was a stupid question for me to ask him. I brought up the age difference and they both freaked on me. I mentioned he was 41 and he said I AM 40! He will be 41 in April, go figure. I guess I really messed things up, sometimes I wonder if I care.
Renee, Once again, you set yourself up for heartache asking if the ow was there. Honey, you have to learn not to ask questions about her. You are giving her far too much head space and she's not even renting!
About your electric bill....call the electric company and work out a payment plan. Do not call your h about such things. In his mind, he's gone, the relationship is over and done with. Come here and ask questions....we all have been down this road and will be more than willing to help you find other avenues than call him up.
To him, your call on V-Day was an excuse and he has told you he doesn't want to be bothered any longer....hear the message, do not call him again.
You have to understand and practice this....he's gone, he's on a mission to find himself and you have to let him go. There is absolutely nothing you can do to bring him back at this time. In fact, the more you aggravate your situation, i.e., talk of relationship and ow, the longer it's going to take for him to focus on his issues.
Renee, this is extremely hard for you, but you need to keep the focus on you and your children. Pretend the man is off on a world wide tour and will not be back for a very long time, better yet, pretend he's deceased. By pretending he's deceased, you know that you are totally on your own and you cannot contact him. Okay?
Keep the focus on you and your children. Nothing else matters right now. Call the electric company this week and arrange a payment plan. You can do this with all of your bills, if need be. Do not bother him with these things right now, because he's not going to help you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Guys I am a total wreck tonight. Whats new huh? My xh has always paid the tv bill and he PROMISED my son he would go pay today, so they would not turn it off. Well he said he didnt and planned on NOT paying anything anymore. He said if my son wanted tv and internet he could come to his house and live. This really upsets me. I am trying to sell my home and pay it off so today I had to call my xh and discuss this with him because his name is still on the deed, even though he gave me the house in the divorce. We got along pretty good. We can do this good, until I say something he doesnt like, usually about his live in girlfriend. I told him he could do better! (Am I ever going to learn to keep my mouth shut?). Guys its been 5 months and I am still running off at the mouth at times. This afternoon is when I talked with him about the tv bill. I asked him if he was gonna help. (I know you told me not to snodderly, but he promised if I signed the divorce papers he would always take care of us...stupid me I guess). He said NO and then I said well dont get upset, but I am gonna try to take you back to court, I have to have help! He told me war was on and I would live in he--! He then went to the police department and got an EPO against me for 14 days! He described how I called him at work and at home and that I came to his house on Valentines Day and threw his stuff (knives in a sandwich bag) at his door. I am devistated! He tried to tell me and threaten me several times that if I didnt stop calling he would do this. He thinks I should quietly go away. I have a hard time with that as you all know. I am very BITTER and I dont want to be. I am so SAD and heartbroken. He even brought the ow to the police dept. with him. She made a point to crack her window so I could see she was with him. He saw me crying and I am sure she did too. He again rubbed her in my face. He has said he is happy with her, then turned around and told me he would NEVER be married or she would never move in. BUT she stays there every nite!!! Is he lying to me or lying to her when he tells her he is happy. *he says this when she is around of course*. She is ONLY 26 and he is 41 almost! That is just not right in my mind. But I guess it doesnt matter what I think right now. I know I messed up guys. I just wonder if a person can mess things up for good acting the way I have been. BUT then I think, I should be mad. BUT AGAIN, I think, he is just sick right now and not thinking straight.
One important question. I am willing to stand if I knew he was going thru MLC, but I am scared he is not. How can I be sure. All you experts chime in please? and Please pray that I keep my mouth SHUT! I have to for 14 days anyway. Also pray that I can make it 14 days without talking to him. I havent done this in over 20 years. The longest it has ever been is 4 or 5 days. I need GOD'S HELP! And I know that GOD is there for me.
Seriously, it is pretty obvious that every time you talk to him, it ends badly. There is a tiny clue there. Listen to it!
Don't tall him you are going to take him to court, just do it!
As far as his "lady friend" goes, it doesn't matter. Worrying over her isn't helping you. Besides, she is the unlucky one that has him now! You should pity her!
