I just really need this EA/OW to end completely. I think that would go a long way for us.
...yeah.
Look. you attack her, you're the bad guy, you push this and he goes to her. You do anything other than let it end between them on their own and you screw up your chances.
By the way, that affair ending doesn't make life all a bed of roses, don't delude yourself into thinking that.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
To the newbie, you, the ones who have a marriage are the success stories. To the person who has been here a few months, the people who manage to work on themselves and become better people are the success stories.
Not everyone who is successful is still married. But most are better people, most KNOW what not to do in a relationship and know what to do to make a relationship better.
What BND did, or I did or Yellow Rose, Umbrella, 25Years, did for that matter is NOT a step by step blueprint for what works. We all found our own way being successful as people, a better man and father in my case. It just happened that my wife noticed.
And then the hard work really began.
You want the happy ending, you over coming your faults and killing them, is the happy ending.
Last edited by Jack_Three_Beans; 02/09/0906:48 PM.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Thank you so much. It's all just such a horrible horrible roller coaster ride. And not knowing so much and having way too many questions......it starts to take a toll. I'm glad I found this book and this site.
Hello SLH, I'm sorry your here but there is no better place. Yes not knowing will drive you nuts if you let it. Easier said then done try not to show it around him. Work on you..DB and PMA and keep up with your GLA too! Good job in that area!! If your religious then pray to God..if your not give it a shot anyways it wont hurt. Hang in there SLH!
Last edited by Gman3388; 02/10/0904:42 AM.
Gman Me 40 W 30 kids B 11 B 10 D 8 Been here off and on since 06. PA Confirmed Dec 08.. With God, anything is possible. Do or do not there is no try. Sometimes you have to roll the hard six...
Hi for some reason, I can't get to your posting of your story. But the good thing is that I know you made it, and that's really the important thing here. It gives me hope beyond words. Thanks for the pep talk.....keep 'em coming please. --SLH
I absolutely understand. It was just a breath of fresh air to "hear" and know other's have fought and made it through with their spouses. I've already seen improvements in me. I'm not really someone you would describe as having lots and lots of patience. I thought motherhood had taught me a lot about that, but this, this is an even better teacher....a tougher teacher, if you will. Basically I'm just going to stay the course here and practice what my DB Coach gave me to work on and keep up with my LRT. I recently found out some good news....my father in law wants to see us make it. I was pretty sure he did, but now I know. And I killed my "social, networking" web site because it was just getting weird for me because the H and the now ex-OW/EA are both on there. I hated to see them posting on each other's pages....nothing seedy all very innocent and platonic, but I still hated it. So I stopped looking. But my girlfriend who hs been rock in all of this was on the web site and told me the ex-OW/EA has pictures of her new boyfriend plastered all over her page. She now has a new boyfriend!!! Is it weird that I sort of feel bad that my H may hurt feelings? Such a roller coaster this has been. oy vey
Alright everyone, here's my update. My GAL efforts have been going wonderfully. No matter what happens I will continue to do the things I've started, yoga, tennis, more time with girlfriends, etc. I have no idea what the impact is on him, but it's been great for me.
February 1, H and I were texting back and forth. He wrote "We are not married, haven't been in months. Moving on with your life is the right thing to do. You are beautiful and some man will be luck to have you. BTW, if it weren't for the economy we would be divorced by now." Nice.
That was the last time he's mention the D word, no more talk of the separation and he's plenty of opportunity.
I know for fact the OW from his EA has dropped him. OW dropped him so hard I actually feel bad for him.....is that crazy or what????
Since Feb. 1, we have seen each other every day, some days spending hours together. We were together for Valentines Day too. I didn't get him anything, he didn't get me anything either.
I bought myself flowers last week. When we first starting dating I told him not to waste his money on flowers. He was texting while we were eating. I said something--Please don't do that while we're eating....who is so important you have to text them right now? He answers back- Did I ask who the flowers came from? I said Me. I bought the flowers. They were pretty they were 10 bucks, I bought them. He sort of smiled and said But you don't like flowers. I said I do now.
Last night, we were at a friends house for dinner. I said something about one of friends not being the handiest guy, but he's a great cook. H says to me Just think, you HAD a handy man and cook for 5 years. The HAD really jabbed my heart. It sent me into a crappy mood. Later as I was helping to clear the table he says to me What night did I sleep like crap? I answered How would I know, you don't sleep with me anymore? What's worse, I knew the answer to the question--Thursday. Later as we were packing up to leave, (with a two year old you have to pack up to go anywhere) he poked me in the belly and said Why the attitude? I said I know you want out. I know in your mind and heart we're done. I don't need s***ty reminders. He asked me what I was talking about and I explained the HAD comment. He said I was joking, being jovial. (Yes he actually used the word jovial) I said There is no way to JOVIALLY say your marriage is over. He said Stop, I was just joking. I said Ok, let's pack up here. If you want your divorce we can work it out, we can work out the finances. Again he told me to stop.
We drove separately. He beat me home because I took the scenic route. When I got there, he gave me a big hug, a long hug and said I don't want things to be weird between us. We had a great weekend and things are going well. I don't want weirdness. I'm sorry, I was just joking.... I said Thank you, you're right, I'm sorry too. He adds It's been a weird weekend. I asked Because of me? He said No, you've been great. And I left it at that. He gave our S a big hug and went to his friends house.
Wow Talk about salt in the wounds. Seems to me he's pushing buttons. I know its hard but maybe try to ignore crap like that.
Gman Me 40 W 30 kids B 11 B 10 D 8 Been here off and on since 06. PA Confirmed Dec 08.. With God, anything is possible. Do or do not there is no try. Sometimes you have to roll the hard six...
See, that's the thing.....He NEVER pushes buttons. There are somethings that never change, he has never wanted to fight. He loves harmony and things to be peaceful, always has. I do believe him he thought it would be funny and "jovial". He did apologize, but yeah, it was salt in the wound. And you are right, I have to ignore it, but it's sooooo hard.
Ok. I need more advice. I have just found out the OW from H's EA is calling him again. He says it's because she needs advice, she's considering new career opportunities. He says they also talk about her new boyfriend, her ex-boyfriend who's calling her again, etc. I have asked him to stop talking about our personal life with her, he agreed. Last night, after we had a very very very small disagreement about "why is she calling you again?" We talked about some other things-related to our relationship. I know we aren't supposed to talk about the relationship and I'm in the LRT mode and acting on direct advice from DB Coach, but I did get somethings off my chest and I think he did too. At the end of the conversation, as he was going to his friends house (where he's staying now) he said after the wonderful weekend we had, he saw glimpses of the "girl I married and I realize how much I miss her". I wanted to cry and jump for joy. He said after the Valentine's weekend he thought we had a shot.....granted a VERY VERY SMALL TINY one, but still a shot. "But now after this conversation....no way." I asked Why do we not have a shot after this conversation? He said "You do things that scare me." "Like what????" "When you contact OW, it makes things weird....just stay out of it. Let me handle that situation the way I need to handle it." I said "For the record, she calls me more than you want to believe. I don't answer when she calls, I don't text back. As you asked me to, I've done, so maybe you need to talk to her." He agreed. (She asked him for my number weeks ago to "apologize" to me because she didn't know I wanted to save our marriage and to let me know they are just friends.....whatever). My gut says, he's lying about being 100% done. I think/hope he has noticed the changes and wants to see what happens. My very good girlfriend agress and said he's not going to come back until he knows the "crazy b***h" isn't going to make a return. (And I will admit, that girl could be pretty nutz.)(But not that he wasn't wrong too sometimes.....) So I guess I'm still on the road to GAL and LRT....???? Advice anyone???? I know there are going to have to be no more conversations or even mentions about OW, which I think/hope that situation is dying a slow death anyways. I also know I have to avoid the relationship talks for a very very long time now. Any more words of wisdom DB Buddies?
