Climbing out of the swamp

[Jack_Three_Beans]

25 years,

Thank you. Willing to bet for awhile you thought I was just being an a$$ to Frank.

[frank_D]

Yes 25 years, I have been stuck and obsessing. The past week I've been adjusting to the new living situation again. I've been friendly with STBX and we've only had 1 altercation - when I thought she was hiding things from me.

It's been resolved and I feel good about the situation because I can accept it the way it is. There's no need for me to bring up any other issues from the past / present any longer.

I don't obsess over this situation. It's just what it is. I think I'm becoming 'unstuck' now as I have no more expectations. I'm more productive in my work now and I feel less stressful.

It's slow, but my goal is to get unstuck and keep moving forward.

I'm not angry any more, except at myself for allowing my life to go down this path, and that's a motivator.

I have accepted that we need to be friends as best we can, for the girls sake. I'm being as friendly as I can and I do my best to forgive the past.

[25yearsmlc]

Don't pretend to miss my point. Re-read your old posts Frankd. You'll see that you've said almost these exact things before.
Long ago. And over and over....
( j )

[CMNM]

Then she said that she was so glad to be here because she really missed being with the girls, and that she feel like they really need her in their day to day life. I told her that I appreciate that she's here and all the things she is doing.

I had to think about this statement. When she told me this I cringed inside because I was thinking that I wasn't 'good enough' to take care of the girls. I failed and now she is bringing all the 'good parenting' into the house.

My first inclination in the past would be to say "Yeah I guess I sucked at taking care of them". But I didn't. I thought it but didn't say it.

I know I didn't do the greatest job but I was here, I worked to keep us here, and I love them. I did the best I could at the time.

I need to remember that and give myself Kudos for at least doing that much.

Frank, Frank, Frank...

Why must everything go back to "Frank is no good"?

When I read this, I thought that all she was saying was that the girls needed their mom. No matter how great of a dad you are, a girl still needs mom!!! It isn't about you not being good enough. It is not about you at all.

Quit overthinking!!!

Hugs!
Pam

P.S. And while you're at it, let go of the "if you really thought the girls needed you you wouldn't have left them" thought that has probably crossed your mind.
This is a new day. She is there. She wants to be a mom. Be thankful, if only for the sake of your girls.

[frank_D]

Don't pretend to miss my point. Re-read your old posts Frankd. You'll see that you've said almost these exact things before.
Long ago. And over and over....
( j )

I didn't miss your point. I HAVE stayed stuck in this cycle of self abuse and not making changes I need to make. My friends have TRIED to tell me what to do but I haven't DONE what needs to be done. I have continued to analyze, be needy and victimize myself.

For the past two days I have been changing that. Like I said, with the exception of todays single discussion I have been very pleasant to be around.

What was I supposed to do? Jack says "what are you going to do when she invites OM to your house for dinner?" and I see her doing a behavior that reminds me of her 'usual' affair behavior? Not say anything to her?

Man, I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

So, here's my observation:

I believe W missed her family, which includes me. She recognizes on her own that running away to someone else wasn't the best choice for her or her family and stated "but that's what I do". She really misses being 'homemaker' and 'mom' for the girls.

She doesn't want to be married to me because she has no trust and the feelings are no longer there. She doesn't want to 'give up' her friendship with Michael but knows there can be no more physical relationship. So she's got some stuff to deal with.
I realize she isn't going to stop talking to Michael because she spent a lot of time with him as some kind of friend.

She knows I don't trust her and for whatever reason she wants to change that. She's trying to be friendly and talk to me as if I am a friend. This morning she talked a lot about her personal issues in her business and I listened and validated.

Overall, I am being a pretty decent guy to live with.

I GET that she is in some in between emotional place and I GET that I am the 'Head of the Household' and I have been stuck in a cycle of low self esteem and obsessing over painful events. I need to step up to the plate EMOTIONALLY, not just FINANCIALLY.

I'm forgiving the past, working on 'today' and recognizing that STBX is trying her best to make things work in this household in a positive way. She still wants a divorce but she knows she needs to actually help out during the financial crisis.

I appreciate that and I have told her 'thank you' and 'I appreciate what you are doing' when she shops, cleans, picks up the girls and makes dinner for everyone. I'm genuine and she reacts like she isn't sure what to say.

So, you're all right, I need to stop questioning the 'why is she...' and instead being grateful for the help. Ok, so no more why. Only faith, love and hope for my life.

I have had two days of a mixture of stress and positiveness. I JUST finished a really hard part of one of my big projects and I feel like a great load is lifted off my shoulders. No, I'm not 'over it', I'm pushing the negative thoughts and feelings out of my head and looking at the positives instead.

STBX is sincere in what she says. Over the next few months I will work on being more of a friend so that we can be better co-parents. I won't question 'why this' or 'why that'. It just is.

I've done this before, 3 years ago, and I can do it again. But I'm not even TRYING to 'reconcile'. Truthfully, I just don't think I want to.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

She knows I don't trust her and for whatever reason she wants to change that.

IF that were TRUE, then Michael...how quaint...wouldn't be recieving calls from her.

No [censored] really you were friends before you started having sex and you want to still be friends while you live in the same house as me and you want me to trust you...can you pass the KY I was thinking maybe Michael would want to screw me over as well.

You pay to play. You pay for mistakes. You certainly are, why does she get a free [censored] pass?

[frank_D]

Frank, Frank, Frank...

Why must everything go back to "Frank is no good"?

When I read this, I thought that all she was saying was that the girls needed their mom. No matter how great of a dad you are, a girl still needs mom!!! It isn't about you not being good enough. It is not about you at all.

I think the point of that post that didn't come across very well was that I recognize that I think these crappy thoughts and I need to give myself credit for doing 'good'.

So I agree with you. It doesn't need to be that way.

[frank_D]

You pay to play. You pay for mistakes. You certainly are, why does she get a free [censored] pass?

I don't know, perhaps the various posters who beat me up for bringing it up with her today, and for not being appreciative of her 'coming home to help out' can answer that. I'm tired of being beat up over this. It's not like I'M banging her or have any expectation of that. It's just a friggin living arrangement.

I'm lost. I'm doing the best I can and right now I just don't care about that douchebag.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

And for the Record, of course she doesn't see the difference between a few drinks and a BJ...

One goes against the 10 Commandments the other...yeah...same diff really...

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Too many voices Frank and you can't please them all...so screw all of us and tell us who you want giving you advice, but only if you follow it.