I feel ya Ian! My Dad had to help me out during all this crap and it wasn't an enjoyable experience. I've always been able to fend for myself quite well. With the way the economy has been over last couple of years and the crap we've had to go through, just know others have felt it too. Not unusual I think...
So, today was not so great. Girlfriend and I had a long talk today at lunch. She came out and told me what she feels that she needs from me and it just doesn't match what I am prepared for.
She wants to move our relationship forward. She wants to be married and start a family. She needs some kind of commitment from me and I cannot give her that right now. When I told her I couldn't commit to anything right now she asked if i love her. I told her yes, because i do. She then said she doesnt understand how I can love her but not be ready to commit. Bean says that is a cultural thing. She then said that we should probably stop seeing each other because she is getting to attached. I told her that I understand what she wants and that it may be best to stop now because I cant commit to anything.
I hate it, I really do have strong feelings for her. I just cannot say that I am ready for something that I know I am not. I have a lot of healing left to do still and unfortunately I know that I do not have it in me to try and promise something that I cannot deliver. I had explained to her before that my heart is still broken. I told her that and she said she understood. Unfortunately people grow attached and this is what it has led to.
The crazy thing is that all along I thought that I was maintaining a level of detachment and that if it came to this I would be ok. Yet today I am terribly sad. I hate that I have such an incredible woman in my life and cannot be what she needs me to be. I hate that I have grown so attached to her niece. I hate that I am not ready for her. I hate that I hurt and am crying. I didn't think this would happen......
You know the worst part is that today has been extremely eye opening as to how much damage I sustained during this last 3 years. I know that people recover and their hearts heal and they are able to commit again. I just wonder how and when you actually know. Today, I do not feel like I will ever be able to do that. I know that I only feel this way because of what has occurred, but damn it thats just how it seems right now...
Anyway, I am going to step back for a bit. No contact and just let her be. I hate loosing her, but I also would hate myself for hurting her down the road.
Sorry for the bummer post.....It's just where I am at today...
Well..ya know you coulda said something when you Im'd me...dick..
I think you did the right thing..I know it hurts...
this crap takes time Ian..you'll know when the time is right..
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I hate that I have grown so attached to her niece.
the collateral damage sucks for sure..
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Anyway, I am going to step back for a bit. No contact and just let her be. I hate loosing her, but I also would hate myself for hurting her down the road.
it's the right thing to do..for sure..call if you need me..
You know the worst part is that today has been extremely eye opening as to how much damage I sustained during this last 3 years. I know that people recover and their hearts heal and they are able to commit again. I just wonder how and when you actually know. Today, I do not feel like I will ever be able to do that. I know that I only feel this way because of what has occurred, but damn it thats just how it seems right now...
Yeah, we all sustain so much damage from the traumatic incidents in our marriages.
Haven't posted to you much but after all this word twist ...
You did the right thing. It's hard to be true to yourself, and there will always be second-guessing about what could have been, but you did what felt right to you based on the facts at hand. I mean, d*mn, plenty of people would have appreciated the honesty and self-awareness!
Besides, I honestly think that the chase is the challenge for women. Commitment. Somewhere, can't remember where, I saw a comedy sketch about women ... uhmm, taking care of themselves, by thinking about commitment. But once they get it, the magic fades. Guys are different. They're cats, we're dogs. Once we've sized someone up, we can be friends for life. With women, you never can tell if they'll let you pet them or they're about to scratch your eyes out.
LOL - see how quickly my posts about women degrade? My baggage. Anyway, I think it's great that you were able to handle a difficult situation in a way that shows much strength of character. Take the time to remember who Ian is and what he wants out of life. There will always be women.
Ian, I may be at the same place as you. I have uncertainty and have expressed that this last weekend with my girlfriend. She seems to be patient enough to wait and take it slow.
It may just be bad timing right now and you are in a depressed funk from the job situation. I would guess that time away from each other may actually allow both of you to reevaluate without presure and hopefully realize what you have can lead to a long term marriage.
Get the divorce behind you and financial situation stable. Then you will have a whole different attitude.
Sorry you are where you are. She sounds like a special woman and I know you are a special man. You were both honest with each other. And yet...and yet...
As terrifying and painful as rejection is, and has been for most of us here...we find ourselves wanting to connect with another human, at a deep and intimate level. And so we risk again. When we take the risk and it meets success, it's miraculous and beautiful, and I'm happy you are still capable of and open to love.
When two people who have connected as you have, but meet at a "lousy" time, who's to say that at another time things can't be different?
Don't lose track of her...I have a feeling your healing is going to speed up soon, in a good healthy way.
((( j )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Sorry to hear your having a hard time finding a job. You shouldn't feel humbled by your Mother's help. This economy is not good and there are many folks in your same situation. It's hard times like these when we need to lean on family, friends, and neighbors. I fear it's going to get worse for all of us eventually. Hell, we may all be bartering like they did in the old days because our dollar is going to be worthless with all this new money they (Government) are printing up and spending to no end.
As far as your relationship goes, you did the right thing in telling her the truth about how you felt. I know I can commit to a exclusive relationship, but marriage will not be in the cards for me anymore. The Woman I've been in a relationship for the last year knew this from the beginning and she is OK with it. I told her when things started heating up between us that if marriage was what she was looking for, she was wasting her time with me. I did this out of respect for her and you did the same. There are those woman out there that will accept you as is and won't pressure you.
Hang in there, hope you find a job soon!
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
