Well...

[SDFoundGirl]

I don't know what to do. I'm really torn; act as if, or cut bait.

Those of you who followed my sitch know I set a boundary with H about his EA, LW. I said nothing but work contact. He agreed...and I trusted him.

I have since found out through my oh-so-trusty skills that he never stopped contact. Forty minute conversations are not no contact. Text messages (though not many) are not no contact. Her lending books to him? Yeah, not no contact.

Mostly there are short conversations. A few longer ones, like the aforementioned one after we had a blowup at Christmas.

On the one hand, I'm furious and feeling betrayed. On the other hand, *generally* things have been pretty positive between us and I sensed nothing untoward. I only started investigating after our issues at Christmas.

So, the only real difference is that I know. Should that change anything?

I cannot be her. I don't want to be her, because ultimately she is just a fantasy. Living with someone reveals the good, the bad, and the ugly. I'm not perfect, but I always work really hard on myself. I will never reach a final destination on my personal work...and I'm tired of trying to measure up to this whore.

I am currently faking it, keeping one eye open, but I don't feel at all safe. I keep wondering when he'll cheat or decide to leave. I don't trust him anymore...and I wonder if trust can be repaired once it's been broken like he did. He still doesn't ask for what he wants...he still doesn't communicate.

Part of me wants to leave and get it over with. The other part of me wants to believe it could all be okay.

I don't want to live in this space for the rest of my life. Don't I deserve more? I can't do it all by myself....

SD

[Dr LOve]

((((((((((((((((((((((((SD))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Doc

[sgctxok]

Hi SD....


When you set a boundary, did you set a consequence for breaking the boundary?

Often, our boundaries are 'all or nothing'....but that seldom works. Our boundaries mean nothing because we don't enforce a consequence that is too big, or we end the relationship when there were really other options.

What kind of consequence could you give that would be liveable for you?

Brainstorm first....try to imagine the outcomes of each.

Hang in there.

[Dr LOve]

Wow SD,

Sg is right

SG I never really thought of it that way. I too have been going for all or nothing...

Doc

[SDFoundGirl]

So...I see what you mean, but I need help thinking of what those intermediary consequences would be. Could you give me some examples? These boundaries were brought to MC last March as I was considering leaving...there were a number of items on the list.

I have considered going back into IC, but this time with the lady who was our MC. The idea of having to explain and give context all over again just makes me tired...and H doesn't want to go back. Quite frankly, we were in MC for two years, and I don't see what else can be done there. H just withholds communication...that hasn't changed on iota though he saw how destructive it was and we learned all sorts of strategies about how to communicate.

Know how I feel? Stuck. Waiting for a bomb somewhere down the road.

I still GAL and I have become the queen of acting as if. Maintaining my 180s and adding more. Know what the saddest thing is? I've lost my ability to trust this man or our relationship...really, any future relationship. I used to believe him, and I don't anymore. I don't know how to get past that. It's left me disillusioned about people, and it makes me sad.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to your thoughts on what else I could do. I'm tired, and I just want to give up.

SD

[Concerned_Listener]

So, the only real difference is that I know. Should that change anything?

Your expectation is that he not have contact with the OW. He's not meeting that expectation. Therefore, something must change. You'll need some time to think about whether or not this is a M deal breaker. You did say that things were generally positive, though his communication skills need some work.

What would be a logical or natural consequence? You can disclose what you know to him, and share your disappointment and anger. You can sleep in separate beds for a week or month to gather your thoughts, and make a statement. Maybe you two need to be roommates for a week or more, while you gather your thoughts.

I think Act AS If is a good tool, when you have negative feelings, but you need to practice actions that promote connection. Your situation calls for limit-setting, and the implementation of consequences. It doesn't need to and shouldn't involve any major R decisions at this time.

Your H needs to see you acting with courage, self-restraint, and logic, not reacting out of fear. He's the one who needs to be feeling some fear.

If there's any acting to be done, it's acting with courage in spite of your fears and doubts.

CL

[Jen_Jam]

((((((((((((((SD)))))))))))))))))

I missed you! But under the circumstances I wish you weren't back (if that makes sense)

So H is still being the horses' bottom. I hope the red mark you have on your forehead from continuously bashing it against the table isn't too big!

I haven't got anything majorly useful to add right now, but will be keeping my eye out for you. i will have a think on this one ... I agree frustrating, you've asked for what you want, made it clear and still it seems he's not honouring that. All I will say is take no action just yet ... but you already know that.

I just want to say I'm here for ya!

[Concerned_Listener]

SD,
I'm thinking some more about short-term consequences. I believe there are things we can do that can have an immediate impact on the R. There are also solutiions, that will take longer to have an impact on the R. There are also aspects of our spouses, that no matter what we do, will have no impact, or will only have an impact if we remove certain obstacles.

This is our dilemma when we have a situation like yours and mine, that cannot be tolerated indefinitely. Can we influence the situation so that our spouses no longer have to engage in unhealthy ways of coping with stress?

Even if we set strong limits with an ultimatum, have we removed the obstacles that influence the unhealthy behavior? I can give my W an ultimatum about sleeping elsewhere, but than she would feel trapped in a life she finds overwhelming. She needs more skills, and a different way of living.

I'm not sure what the obstacles are to your H's happiness. Do you have an opinion as to why he seeks out an EA? In my W's case, I need to help her manage household stress, keep myself happy and joyful, and do what I can to contribute to her happiness.

You sound like you are coping so well in so many ways. In what areas do you need to improve upon or do differently? How are you at practicing goodwill towards your H, or being empathatic to his struggles, or keeping joy in your life, or being more open and curious to the problems in your R, versus resentful, fearful, and judgmental?

CL

CL

[SDFoundGirl]

CL and Jen! Thanks for stopping by and adding your thoughts and support.

CL, your thoughts are so on target. For me, I know my frustration for his continued issues with communication, his need to fix everything for everybody (even when it sacrificed time for us or things I'd asked for), my fear that after all of this, we were headed down the same path, etc. definitely spilled through. I'd brought these things to a few conversations, something that was a big deal for me as I'd always been afraid and never asked for what I wanted. His reply has always been, "I'm doing my best."

He is still afraid to speak up, and I guess my work is to make it easier to talk to me...I guess you could say it's an obstacle, even if I don't know what I'm doing to be so intimidating. I've worked really hard on being a good listener and not reacting. Heck, the fact that I have been able to pretty much hide how I'm feeling about him contacting LW is testament to that. Ideas on how to help him feel more comfortable?

Another obstacle is that he has continued contact with LW because of work. It's better than it was because he switched to part-time so he could start his own business from home and do the things he enjoys more (which was a great move for many, many reasons). However, he still has to associate with her. Most of the calls have been pretty short...3, 8, 12 minutes. However, from time to time, there are those long ones, and those are the ones that worry me. He's also gotten savvy enough to delete all of his calls to/from her on his phone--I've checked periodically and only found something twice. So, he's become sneakier and he knows he's wrong.

BUT...I can't do anything about that. What I CAN do is be the better, shiny-er option. Since the new year I've reinvested in my appearance, wearing much sexier clothes even around the house. I am stepping it up in terms of things we can do together, and I make sure I'm fully present when we spend time together. I see the benefits of these changes for our R *and* for my own well-being.

H wants to be a hero, a pleaser, a martyr. I am a pretty strong person...but I do let him help me when he can.

I just don't want to spend the rest of my life with one eye open...but I guess that's really work I need to do on myself, hmm?

SD

[sandycay]

Wow, you have a lot of the same feelings I have about keeping the one eye open forever. I wonder that too. The answer is we won't know until we look back on this a say to ourselves..."wow I haven't thought about that in a long time".

Sister, I can't even begin to imagine how hard it must be for you that he has any contact with her at all.

I will say it is very concerning that he is tryin to hide it by erasing things so he doesn't get "caught". That's amazing. I know there are different views out there about not saying anything or saying anything but personally you have been the better person and he is still doing that ... so how long do you let that go? It's so hard to know when to draw the line or let things work out on their own.

I really envy those on here that can turn a blind eye but I just can't do it. Personally, I would have to say something.. but that's just me and I don't know all the details. I can only imagine how hard it would be for him to not if she is in his world daily. Isn't that kinda like taking an alcoholic to a bar daily?

I know that I've really offered no good advice but I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop too. LOL kinda