My 2 cents for what its worth is do what is going to cause less friction with your girls. Make the home situation pleasant and calm. That would be really sad if the girls were stuck in the middle in their own home.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
First and foremost you ( and everyone posting to you) have been in this "bs" for lack of a better word, for much longer than I. I may even be out of line to post to you, who knows?
Trapt, not out of line at all and it's good for Frank to hear things from a range of people.
Frank, sometimes you leave out details on how you will proceed and it causes people to conflict because instead of comprehending what you are doing, the make assumptions.
From speaking on the phone with you, I know that your intent about the dinners is that it will not be a planned sit down dinner with the kids every night playing happy family. I also know that if you are making dinner for the girls you will also make sure to make enough for your wife as well. Stating these things would help people understand that its not about over complicating,more contingency planning.
Hey BND, whats the old saying??? Opinions are like ?????, everyone has one. I think Frank is getting great views from many many strong people here. I think it's good that he hears some of the variety so he can make some educated decisions as he moves ahead. If you look at what we are all saying here, we are all trying to head him in the same direction, just some of our styles vary.
As if you didn't already have enough advice, if I may.....
Do what feels comfortable for YOU.
To often we are focused on how something we are doing is or may affect the other person. I have been very guilty of this myself. I feel much of the advice on the boards is opinions which people believe will best serve that end (WAS's return).
The truth is only they are in control of that outcome. Entertaining thoughts that our actions may affect our WAS is an excercise in self-delusion (and possibly self-torture).
It's a lot easier to do what is best for us after the emotional connection dies.
Do what YOU want to do, Frank.
To do anything else is not being true to yourself or your WAS and accomplishes nothing other than keeping you in the prision of her actions.
"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12 Bomb and OM 12/15/06 Separated 01/02/07 Divorced 05/13/08 X married OM(OMH) 08/2009 Married 06/09/13
and your goal in eating separately is what? You'd do that with a roomate? i really doubt that your girls will think eating together is sooo mixed of a signal. I mean, why'd you have a birthday dinner for d18 with w there? Why not have separate ones? Oh, I remember, b/c d18 wanted to have dinner together. And you have a d13 too? Well, I am not there and don't know what your reactions and options really are.
Why are you so angry at me?
Who said I'm angry? I'm not. I'm busy but when I read your thread I sometimes get frustrated, true. But that's not anger and I'd tell you if it were. Stay on track Frank
j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I agree with BND on some aspects about the opinions, everyone has their own opinions and Frank is a big boy and can pick and choose which opinions he agrees with and what works for him.
I think it is great that everyone is doing what they can for Frank and trying to help him but when it comes down to it FRANK is the only one who can decide what he IS going to do.
When I first came to the boards, I got lots of different opinions and got very confused on what to do. One person says give up, another says hang in there, etc.... I freaked out and left the boards. For me, that was a good thing...for Frank he needs the boards. I see so many people doing their bests to help.
Everyone is at a different stage in their own situations and the opinions and advice they give is good. Frank just has to figure out where he stands and which advice is good for whatever he is going through at the time. I have not read one thing on here that has been negative though. The only negativity I read is from Frank himself at times.
Frank, to get through the day you must be positive. Don't sit and worry about what is going to happen next. Don't avoid your wife, it will just cause more friction and send mixed signals. Be yourself!!!!
I don't mean to be so blunt on this but sometimes I read the posts and it seems he is really asking for help and other times I feel he is just bored and wants to talk.
Sitting back and looking at what I have gone through, I wish I had stepped up off the curb and done something sooner. Don't sit back and wait for your life to become what you want it to be, YOU need to step up and MAKE your life what you want.
I hope no one takes any of this post the wrong way. I am always afraid of saying anything because I don't want people to think I am bitter from my own situation. I'm not, I just want to be honest and not sugar coat things. I think the sugar coating is what kept my mind from functioning right.
Frank, you need to make a game plan and stick to it.
Thanks to everyone for your input. I think the bottom line is this:
Do what feels right at the time. Be true to myself. No analysis. Just be. Focus on my work and spend more quality time with the girls.
No eggshells. True honesty about anything on my mind. I have nothing to lose, and me to gain.
I am just going to be me. I don't need to punish her or feel like she is punishing me. This is my life and it could end any day. Life is worth living and I intend to live it in a better place.
Frank...its a beautiful day outside. Hope you are out doing something fun and making your life what YOU want.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Thanks to everyone for your input. I think the bottom line is this:
Do what feels right at the time. Be true to myself. No analysis. Just be. Focus on my work and spend more quality time with the girls.
No eggshells. True honesty about anything on my mind. I have nothing to lose, and me to gain.
I am just going to be me. I don't need to punish her or feel like she is punishing me. This is my life and it could end any day. Life is worth living and I intend to live it in a better place.
I'm good with this.
Frank, I think you just brought a tear to my eye......
Found out W is calling OM 2-3 times a day for 2 minutes or so. This is down from the 20 - 40 minutes each day and of course practically living with him. But, she's still talking to him. Don't think there's anything I should do about that.
