Climbing out of the swamp

[AmyC]

Perhaps she did not know he was IN Alaska, Frank.
His profile here doesn't say it.

So yesterday....

[25yearsmlc]

Hey, am I the only one new to Facebook and paranoid about using my real name? I already saw my high school nemesis (cheated with my first real hs bf) asking me to be her friend!! wth?
(...and so what if it was a LONG time ago, like maybe 30 years...STILL....) and I'm pretty sure H will be joining Facebook soooo, how do we join a db group and not advertise it? Oh, and when you talk about computer stuff, talk to me like I'm five years old...fyi)
sorry for the hijack frank, but you are a computer whiz, so...you know, it figures...
j

[AmyC]

The DB group on facebook is secret - no one can see that you are in it.

[frank_D]

Perhaps she did not know he was IN Alaska, Frank.
His profile here doesn't say it.

It was a hint Amy...

So yesterday....

Told my story to Counselor. Without getting too much into the discussion of W's 'motivation' to move back in, which C thinks the 'protect the kids' is just her excuse, that it's more that she didn't like being out of her home and on her own financially.

D18 didn't like that she wasn't getting things 'her way' and if you read into the letter she wrote, it started with her not being able to get a car for her birthday, which in November I had told her I would have the $$$ for one since business was on the way up. In December I was hit with one drama after another, the holidays, and the continuing view of the affair down the street and it went beyond my coping skills.

In her letter she basically threw me under the bus to her mother. ANYTHING she could criticize me on she did. C wondered if it was her manipulating the situation to get W back in the house. One of the comments D18 made a week or so ago was 'I wish mom could come home and fix everything'. So, who knows what she was thinking.

It's water under the bridge.

So regardless of W's or D18's motivations, the real 'breakthrough' was for me.

During the session C watches me talk, body language, tone. She is very intuitive and reads me like a book. In other words I can't lie to her.

So, half way through the session while we were talking about being 'addicted' to pain and punishment and I was recounting some of the past things I've been through with W and others she said

C: Frank, when I look at you as you talk about these things I see pain, but I also see repressed anger. aren't you angry about the things your W has done?

Me: Yeah, I am but I'm mostly hurt.

C: Have you ever been angry with her when your relationship was 'good'?

Me: Yes, there were a lot of things that she did or didn't do that would make me angry. Like she was a stay at home mom and the house was a mess, or she would criticize my parenting, saying I was 'too strict' even though I wasn't. I spent a lot of time resenting being with her because she wouldn't change certain things about our relationship that would have been positive.

C: So did you tell her these things.

Me: Yes, but nothing changed.

C: Did you ever have a real heavy duty argument?

Me: pretty much never. If she pushed me I backed off. On rare occasions when I had been drinking I would express my anger but I didn't yell.

C: So, in all the years you have been with her you never held her accountable for anything she did that you didn't like or that was bad for your marriage? She has never had to change or grow up? But she hasn't had any problem telling you that she doesn't like things you do. She says you are an alcoholic and yet you don't get angry at her and tell her that may be true, but she finds herself in bed with other men when she doesn't like how the marriage is going.

C: Instead, you absorb the criticism and get nothing but pain. Pain is anger turned inward. Frank, you have been holding on to YEARS of anger that you've never expressed. So you turn it into hurt until you medicate and make your life worse. Not just at W but at a lot of people. It's time for you to let it out.

C: When W is living with you I would make it clear to her that you don't want this and that she needs to leave you alone so you can be productive. And from now on tell her the God's honest truth in any discussion that isn't about legal things. Get angry! Don't be a jerk but be firm and express it.

C: Frank, Lorri has had a 'goose that lays golden eggs' and she still wants you to take care of things. Yet she and even your Daughters don't do anything for that gooses mental and emotional health. You've taught them that Frank will take care of things. Frank will give them whatever they ask for. And when you don't, they feel unsafe and panic. W simply waits for you to 'get it together' and when you can't she goes after other men.

So, I thought about everything. I AM angry. I do NOT express it most of the time. Why?

So C got out her 'Codependent' worksheet and asked a few questions. "Does your self esteem come from pleasing others?" "Do you stay in a relationship with someone even though you disagree with their morals and values?" "Are you afraid to express yourself honestly because you might lose the other person?"

Yes, yes, and yes.

So, I'm ANGRY. And I'm going to be truthful with STBX whenever she says or does anything to make me angry. Because, as a MAN I need to leave my little boy childish fears behind me. I have nothing to lose since W wants a divorce, and everything to gain.

All these years I've been holding it in. Like I'm not worthy of being angry. It's become hurt and despair and anxiety and eventually self medication. This is BS. W is an adulterous child who has betrayed me, whined about her life and put herself before her family.

I've let too many people take advantage of me. Too f'ing many. I've helped lot's of other people get wealthy with my skills but my life has fallen apart.

I'm angry.

[frank_D]

The DB group on facebook is secret - no one can see that you are in it.

To join the group someone has to invite you. LIke AmyC said, it's secret.

[AmyC]

Sounds like you had a good session today, Frank.

So what do you do next?
That's a real question btw...are you supposed to somehow let go of all the old anger or are you just going to learn ways to express it in a healthy manner from here on out?

Knowing the problem (whichever one it may be) isn't typically your problem. It's the "doing something about" it that trips you up so what happens from here?

Do you go back next week or do you have to wait another month?

[faithisbelieving]

Personally...why join that group at all? DB is private and personal here. FB, to me, seems like a place to explore the real world in a real way..reconnect with friends..etc. Why DB 'in public' when you can do it here in private?

Catching up frank.
FIB

[faithisbelieving]

Read above frank..back to the blue book. Anger...needs to be expressed...somehow. Let it out....somehow...Gray.

FIB

[AmyC]

Why DB 'in public' when you can do it here in private?

No one is DBing in public there, FIB.

In fact, not much happens there at all that I have seen but it serves as a way to find a lot of the people from here that have left..IF someone finds YOU that is, and invites you to the group. It's kinda ass-backwards but the idea behind it is good.

[faithisbelieving]

"Loneliness expresses the pain of being alone and
solitude expresses the glory of being alone."
- Paul Tillich

The aloneness is the same whether we're suffering loneliness or enjoying solitude. The magical difference is in our attitude toward ourselves.

FIB