Been a long time. You really helped me at a critical juncture.
In answer to your question, I know more about PhD and divorce than I care to. I'll answer more fully on my thread over in Surviving.
Sorry for the hijack soulm8. And I'm glad Cinco had the link for DanceQueen's letter. Maybe it'll be beneficial to you, maybe not, but it really struck me and I appreciated DanceQueen's clarity of what she needed - too often we do things without really thinking through why. Hope you're doing okay.
Thank you for suggesting the book... I will take that sound advice and do my best to GAL!
I suppose I wanted to reach out here to gain perspective on whether or not it would be beneficial in any way (even if it's just for closure) to let my XH know that he was right, he was wronged and that I'm sorry.
I'm having an extremely difficult time reaching him - his cell phone is always unavailable. I would prefer to apologize to his face in private, but cannot seem to reach him to set it up. I want to ask him if he's willing to meet me to discuss something important and if he refuses, I'll settle for apologizing without the face-to-face contact.
I wrote before that I didn't know how I'd take a letter, but in retrospect I think it's the right thing to do. You might want to consider sending the letter and in the letter ask for the face-to-face. That way you have time to compose what you want to say in the way in which you want to say it. Sometimes things can take a wrong turn during the face-to-face. If he agrees to the face-to-face, he then has had some time to process and it might make the encounter more meaningful.
Hi soulm8. I can understand you're wanting to contact him, and apologize. I hope the info that lodo and other's gave you helps (Dancingqueen?).
Sometimes you just have to let go and move on. Maybe start by really examining your motives for wanting to apologize and see your ex. Your motives could be very selfish. You don't really have any right to expect anything from your ex.
If you are trying to figure out how to be happy, don't think your ex has the answer for you. You've got to find it. The DB book, especially the concept of GAL, is helpful.
It's scary, and you might not succeed (but the odds are you will succeed) if you own your actions, and decide to be happy (not happy in a party, smiling sense - but a deeper happy in living an authentic life).
Closure is a modern concept that may not be real. I know we all talk about it and would love to have it, but it's pretty ephemeral and may not really exist. Don't feel that you Have to have it. Or, find it in yourself, so that you don't Need anyone else, your happiness is not dependant on anyone else.
Ha! I always feel a little like a fraud giving advice, but I do believe what I just wrote.
How are you doing? overall?
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
Thanks for checking on me. I finally spoke to XH on the phone this past weekend. I asked if he'd be able to meet in person sometime, but he pushed for the reason since we haven't had any issues requiring face to face contact since the separation. I explained that I wanted to apologize to him. His immediate response was that "it's water under the bridge" and then asked if I was trying to get back together with him. I said no, and that it was just very important to me that he knows I'm sorry. He told me he is quite happy, and I said that I am glad he is, and that hopefully someday he'll be able to forgive me.
That was that. I feel so much better now. Login, my motives were not selfish. I sincerely wanted and needed him to know that I'm sorry for destroying our family and giving up on our marriage (which he so adamantly tried to save). He was devastated that I wanted to give up and I told him he'd eventually thank me... So, I wasn't expecting anything but anger or indifference.
For me, a sense of closure comes from having the opportunity to acknowledge that I made a mistake and have grown from the experience. I felt it necessary that he know that I grew enough to understand, own and apologize for my giving up - otherwise he'd never know and only have his own conclusions to live by.
I'm doing much better and I'm actively getting a life!
Hey, are you getting lonely, wanting someone to post? Well, Here I am!
Happy VD day. That used to be funny, but now they call VDs STDs. Why do they change the names of things, and who is the they that do that?
I'm very happy that you feel better, and that you got to talk to him. Maybe forgiveness works that way - it helps if the apology is out loud to the offended party. That's kind of what AA believes, I think. Kind of makes sense, and if you get the chance to do it, great.
Good luck with the GAL. Someday's it' will be tough. Someday's it'll be easy. We all go through it. You sound pretty strong, I'm betting you'll make it and find the contentment, happiness, you're looking for.
Thinking of you,
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
Your description of winter regret struck a chord. And yet, his reaction to your apology would have been very painful to me, had I been carefully composing and offering the apology---had I been in your shoes. It would have been almost stunningly painful rather than liberating. Your apology seems to have put him immediately on the defensive. Does it truly make you feel better to know that someone whose love you regret is happy in a new relationship? I'm wondering, because my reaction to my ex-husband's Bower of Bliss is so different that I suspect it is not quite normal.
Hey LoginName and delia! Sorry for not coming by in a while. I was trying to GAL, focused on my new job, etc.
I'm the ultimate optimist, when I want something. I can say I'm happy and doing fine, but on the inside I'm in hell. I think of my ex daily, still. I sent him an email a few weeks ago and he hasn't acknowledged receipt of it.
His reaction to my apology was extremely painful, yet expected. All I can do now is see what happens, while desperately trying to GAL.
I was afraid I might regret sending it, but I don't. It's a little more comforting knowing that I got it out in the open. The ball's in his court so to speak.
Quote:
Dear ex,
Thank you for all of the good memories you shared with me. We had some bad times, but I seem to have forgotten them and can only recall the good. I'm so sorry for having hurt you and our family.
If only I could have trusted that we could make things better. You were so sure and strong, and I was so stubborn and anxious. I was so sure that my love for you had turned strictly platonic. I didn't mean to reject you and I'm very sorry that is how it came across. I always felt proud of you; you're a very attractive, handsome man, take care of your body, and a wonderful father. I rejected our relationship. You wanted to change things, I remember, but at the time I didn't think it was a possibility. I thought we'd hurt each other so much that repairing the hurt could never occur. Does that even make sense? What I'm trying to say is that, I got so stuck on what was wrong, that I couldn't see any right, any more.
I know you think I never truly loved you, and I simply used you to have our children, but that is not right at all. I know you think I can't communicate or show my affection. I did have difficulty expressing myself at times, but I've learned from my mistakes and strive to live in the present moment as much as possible; facing issues as they arise instead of putting them away for later.
I'm happy you were able to find a compatible partner in new girlfriend. I was worried by the swiftness of her moving here, but you must have been sure of your feelings. You always had a good handle of your emotions and knew what you wanted. At least I helped you to discern what you didn't want.
As for me, I haven't been happy for a long time. The happiest I've been, was probably when our son was still a baby. I know it sounds like I'm making excuses for myself, but I believe I suffered from postpartum depression, among other things. The help I sought to fix what was wrong, only did damage. I'm angry that I wasn't helped properly. Now, after the fact, and after I've completely destroyed everything, I find the truth to what I was going through. It's very upsetting and makes me want to speak up, on behalf of women like me who end up waking from the nightmare they instigated.
I'm trying to keep this brief and to the point. I've wanted to talk to you and pour my heart out to you for an entire year now, but between work, the kids, dodging the arguments and accusations from new girlfriend, my new boyfriend, and worrying that you hate me, I just haven't had the chance to be that confident, assertive woman you found so attractive in the past.
Ex, I think about you daily and each and every time, I get teary. I still love you, actually, I think still isn't the right word. I do love you, and it's killing me.
I know this is inappropriate, but I just had to let you know. Despite everything, if I was to die tomorrow, I'd hate for you to not know how I truly feel about you and how sorry I am. I don't expect anything from you. I simply want you to know that I'm here for you should you ever wish to forgive me.
Wooooow. There are definitely some statements here that jumped out at me. My ex did the same type of stuff that you did....You could be describing her. Tip of the hat to you though. You owned up to the things that you did wrong which I believe shows character. Hmmm. Hopefully mine 'sees the light' as you have. I've definitely made my mistakes also-I'm no saint either. Life is definitely insane at times. Well, hopefully everything works out for the people here.
