Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
My H just left after getting my babies for the weekend... I don't know how I'm going to do this, possibly forever, I cry everytime they leave... this isn't right and my H honestly thinks he has done nothing wrong... he made a comment tonight that he hasn't done anything to our girls... I just laughed and said "wow you really are in denial - your funny" what a joke...
I don't even want someone like this back in my life... honestly, depression or not talking, for someone to be so oblivious to what he has done is crazy.... he would probably come back and it would be just as easy to do it again down the road....
I just want to stop caring, I want to stop hurting over my girls, and I want to feel in my heart that we are done... just like he has.. I want to be numb and not feel the pain but I don't know how ... when it comes to my kids I honestly don't know how it will ever get better passing them off every other weekend... not what I wanted for me or them....
Me: 38/H:40 M:7yrs TG: 10yrs 2Girls: 4yr & 7 month old Bomb 8/22/08 OW/EA/PA 8/23/08 with 25yr old Moved out 9/22/08
Hi Txmom {{{hugs}}} sorry you are having a tough night. I know the weekends hit me bad also. All I do is imagine my H out and about with Ow living this different life.
Wouldn't it be easier just to harden our hearts like they have.
I will tell you I am sure your H is not having it easy also, trying to take care of his children and babysitting for a 25 year old also. You know she does not want to "share" with your children for your H's attention. It will get old for her pretty quick. Think back to when you were 25 -- would you want to be tied down to some older guy with kids? It will lose the appeal for her. I bet she will hang around till after Valentine's Day and then dump him. (remember when we had to have a date for the New Year and V. Day?)
You are a bright, smart, beautiful woman. Don't ever forget it.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
I will tell you I am sure your H is not having it easy also, trying to take care of his children and babysitting for a 25 year old also. You know she does not want to "share" with your children for your H's attention. It will get old for her pretty quick. Think back to when you were 25 -- would you want to be tied down to some older guy with kids?
I think so, too. I wouldn't have even thought for one second for dating an "old" guy with kids when I was that age!!! It's when that R will disintegrate, not a matter of if I think. Karen
I'm sorry how you feel. You just have to stop focusing on the negatives, they will only bring you further down. Yes your kids have/will suffer, but we all suffer, and suffering can make us stronger. I am a child of divorce, and although I would have liked my parents to have stayed together, but I have gotten thru my life and I'm very proud where I am, and I do have a good R with my dad.
Your kids will be okay, as long as you learn from this and don't let this sitch drag you under.
Focus on your faith, your love for yourself, your love for your kids, Galing, all that. focus on the positives.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
thanks everyone... the weekend was ok... also hard for me.
my anniversary was Monday and my H was going to watch the kids and 3 texts and phone that evening I never heard from him. I knew that meant he was struggling. I talked to him Tuesday evening and he said that Monday was a hard day for him, he was with OW so couldn't talk much, but he would send me an email and we'd talk about it.
I'm traveling on business and he has girls and last night when we talked I asked if he was still sending me an email or if he wanted to talk now. (remember I didn't ask him to send an email or talk about anything .. he offered)
He just said that he didn't think our anniversary day would affect him, that he couldn't eat all day, that he felt overwhelmed by what he has done and how he has handled everything. That he was sorry for everything.. that there is no way we could ever have a marriage again with everything that has happened and that he has broken the trust. He said he is willing and wanting to get together with me to just talk in person.. maybe Friday... I still asked him for an email as my H is struggling making since of his feelings.. he couldn't even find words for it...
I'll have to get back later as I've run out of time and have to go to a meeting..... more later
Me: 38/H:40 M:7yrs TG: 10yrs 2Girls: 4yr & 7 month old Bomb 8/22/08 OW/EA/PA 8/23/08 with 25yr old Moved out 9/22/08
Hi {{TxMom}}. Thanks for sharing your conversation with your H. What I hear from that conversation is that your H doesn't see how his infidelity could be 'undone', that is why he doesn't see a future for your M. He feels that he screwed up majorly and he has broken the trust that was the foundation of your M.
He is flip-flopping.
Now, {{TxMom}}, that is a good sign.
Don't believe me? My DB coach said that any emotion from H is good. The worst thing is indifference.
Is your H getting any counselling? My IC said that most men can't get over the fact that they have been unfaithful and that will cause them to give up on the M. Now, you can try to convince them otherwise but it might take a third party to convince them that infidelity is not the end of the road, that a lot of women can get over that if a recommitment is sincere.
You H has forced himself into a corner. He has taken up with another woman and is now thinking to himself that he has broken your M, that is no way back. Easier just to start with another woman and start afresh.
What he doesn't realize is that he is taking his issues, his baggage into the next relationship. Only now he has more baggage, i.e. financial problems, time with kids, single parenthood, a heavy, guilty conscience and you to deal with. His new R will be under a lot of strain. It might feel good to him during the 'honeymoon' period but after the infatuation dies down, he will feel worse than when he was with you.
Does that make sense?
So honey, hang in there. Let him declare to the world that your M won't work. Let all these comments roll off your back. Validate his feelings by telling him that you hear what he said. In your mind, you don't have to agree with him, OK? You just let him talk, validate his feelings. HIS FEELINGS will CHANGE, it will flip-flop. He once loved you, now not so much. So everything can change. It doesn't mean it won't change in the future. Don't take everything he says as gospel! We put our H on a pedestal. Don't do that anymore. He is a regular person, he can be wrong.
Your H will try his best to convince you that his feelings has changed forever. He will tell you that he doesn't see it working in the future. Why is he so vocal about it? Because he knows he is flip-flopping and he WANTS TO CONVINCE HIMSELF.
He wants to tell himself that he is doing THE RIGHT THING. People have a very strong strong to be right. People also have a strong desire to be seen as the GOOD GUY. Combine both of these together and you will understand why your H is acting the way he is. He is trying to convince you and himself that his choice to leave you is the best thing for both of you. That is why he wants to 'talk things through'.
So let him talk. Don't disagree with him, though. Validate, validate, validate. Your job now is not to convince him that his decision is wrong. THAT IS NOT DB. Your job now is to CONNECT WITH HIM. He is not going to listen to logic. However, he will feel a connection if you try to bond. OK?
Last edited by PositivelyMommy; 01/23/0901:08 AM.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
PM, I loved the advice you gave TX Mom. Your H is nuts to leave you!
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
