It's not so much that I think that an OP would make it any easier PM. I think if my W was involved with OM I would be gutted. The only way I see it as easier is that it's possibly easier to understand. In my sitch, there's no OM. That means that the only reason my W wants to leave is because she doesn't want to be with me. If she was with someone else I could understand that she was being led by someone else. Right now though, it's only her that's making these decisions. That's what makes it hard to accept.
Me: 32, Wife: 22 Son: 2 Married: 2 years Separated: January 5th 2009
Sometimes you have to become lost before you can find yourself.
CIW, no one led my H away. H decided that he wants out. It's his own decision. I don't understand why we let people off the hook for their actions? OW was just a catalyst so that he wouldn't be lonely when he left. I understand that now.
He was having problems with the M, he didn't share them with me because he is not used to sharing 'negative' feelings. He felt vulnerable. Then he started looking for faults in me. It started to get on his nerves. OW presented herself, batted her eyelashes and whew, he was gone. I am holding him fully responsible. He made many decisions to not work on our M along the way. He chose not to get MC, he chose not to read any books on the subject, he chose not to talk to friends and family for advice, he chose not to share with me. These are all his choices even before OW showed up.
So CIW, I feel the same way, he left me partly because of me but CIW, he left me mainly because of HIM!!!
So CIW, don't take on all the blame! I see you putting all of this on yourself. Your W has issues. She has had them for some time now and you end up feeling it's your fault. It is not! You are still there willing to work on things. She, on the other hand, refuse to do the things I listed above. So this is not your fault. You are still in the M, she is choosing to walk. You are good person, don't punish yourself.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
CIW..PM is RIGHT..there is no way we should let our spouses off the hook, whether the most beautiful and wonderful OW/OM was standing right there in front of them..they should have walked away and worked on US..
PM, your spouse sounds like mine, I never really realized how BIG the issues were that my hub would occasionally mention, but not in years really, until he decided to drop the bomb, I think it was just more convenient to drop it because of the OW in the picture..LOL
CIW..PM is also right..don't take all of the blame yourself..YOU are a good person, you are here, wanting to work on the marriage and yourself..what kind of person does that in the midst of this?? A GOOD loving kind person does
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
We need to put blame on our WS more so than the OP. But of course we have our days when we have those evil thoughts about the OW which is natural. My D28 summed it up for me. We were talking about if when D goes through if H would marry OW. D28 said you could put OW in a white dress but she would still be a pig. Out of the mouths of our kids. I actually LOL on that one.
Also it does upset me that the OW's H cheated on her and she did the same with your H. I would NEVER put anyone through this pain. And it is pain and sorrow.
I am taking one day at a time and praying on a daily basis. It is out of my hands.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
His W is about to leave and he is very emotional right now and needs support.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
My thoughts are swinging back and forth like a pendulum. One minute, I think this whole situation is hopeless and that he and his issues are incurable. Another minute, I totally believe that DB has improved my life and that I am a much better person and what is in the harm of waiting to see how he progresses in his growth.
My emotions are quite steady now. I don't let them get out of hand like I have in the past. Time has helped but also having a POV. Like yesterday, another driver was very rude to me, unwilling to back up in a very narrow driveway. In the past I would have lost my cool and would have stewed on it all day. Her words were, 'I can't back up.' She had a nice suit on and looked like some sort of professional heading off to work. Very stressed and I thought to myself. Do I want to be like her? I thought, no way, she looks like a crazy woman. Who wants to be with that? So I thought to myself, yes, I am annoyed at her but am not going to let her ruin my whole day. I backed up to let her through. I said to myself, I can back up. Then I thought about Obama, paraphrased his words and said to myself, 'Yes, I can.' I said it out loud to myself several times, each time more forceful than the next and I instantly felt better. It in fact, cheered me up.
She said, 'I can't...' I said, 'Yes, I can.'
Yes, I can . Yes, I can. I can do this. I can DB for myself. I can take care of my kids. I can start a new chapter in my life. I can develop deeper more meaningful friendships. I can do so much. Then I saw all the opportunities in my life.
That woman in that other car had such a negative attitude. She had the jag, she had the hubby, she had a fantastic job but she was so unhappy. I don't ever want to be like her again.
Last edited by PositivelyMommy; 01/22/0902:33 AM.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
Hi PM, glad you are using db principles in your everyday life. I know how you feel with your emotions. Some days I feel like my life is a wasteland thinking about the future without H. Other days I think H will come home with my continued prayers, and some days I feel I will be fine without him.
We need to continue to take one day at a time and sometimes break it down to one minute at a time if need be. I have been slacking GAL except for going to the gym (which I couldn't this week because of work assessment) but I look forward to going on Friday.
Glad we have continued support here.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
That last post was great! You are really learning about yourself and making changes. That's what it is all about.
You are flip flopping with your feelings. Just remember, even if your spouse doesn't show it, he is also probably flip flopping. I remember one minute thinking there was no way I was going to stay in my marriage, and the next minute I thought, "I don't want to leave him and my family."
Hope, glad to hear you are going to the gym. I know it's shallow but I found that now that I look better, I do feel better about myself. It's not very deep but I do feel more confident, I walk differently and I like myself better.
whatdidido. Your insight into my H was very helpful. H looks very determined to leave me all the time, I don't detect any flip flopping especially since there is an OW involved. Any more insights you have will be heard with open ears and an open heart. Thanks for visiting.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
