Quote: This is a good beginning. It's positively state, so that's good. It's big though. There are probably a few things that would have to come before this. What are they? What steps would come before phyical intimacy? We can work backwards.
i would imagine that the steps BEFORE physical intimacy would have to include the mind. maintaining a complete unconditional friendship is a start. having a trust between us that this time it is for real. i do believe he needs to KNOW that i have forgiven him for his affair before he will ever be intimate with me again, so i need to prove that
this one i am struggling with. how do i let him know that i have forgiven him? actions? do actions include being a friend? an unconditional friend? i am stuck with this
Few people respond to requests that their needs be met when their own needs are not met. Especially when they are insisting. Perhaps you are so frustrated and angry that you come offdifferently here than you do with him. But it 'sounds' like you've given him a list of demands.
Perhaps for him...the medium is the message....and actions speak louder than words. Not reactive angry actions.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Few people respond to requests that their needs be met when their own needs are not met. Especially when they are insisting. Perhaps you are so frustrated and angry that you come offdifferently here than you do with him. But it 'sounds' like you've given him a list of demands.
Perhaps for him...the medium is the message....and actions speak louder than words. Not reactive angry actions.
ah you see but his needs are being met on a regular basis...acts of service...and words of affirmation...all is well as long as LL doesn't make mention of the fact that her "needs" are being met...sure LL has learned to accept h's speaking HIS language to her...but can't fight off the feeling that her needs aren't being met...despite the fact that she has explained it all in so many different ways to h.
h's complaint has never been that his NEEDS weren't being met...h's complaint has always been that of "no matter what I do it's never enough" and yet he just can't grasp the concept that though yes he is doing a lot he is doing alot of the things that I'm not asking for...if someone asks you for toast for breakfast every day and you continue to make them pancakes with sausages and warmed maple syrup and fresh squeezed orange juice...they thank you for that wonderful breakfast and let you know that they appreciate the effort but sometimes just having toast would make you feel better...would you continue to not make toast but instead make this elaborate effort of a totally different breakfast? would you expect them to be happy if day after day you make them fancy breakfast after fancy breakfast but rarley give them toast when that is all they are asking you for?
it is not "normal" for me to feel loved when h works in the yard...but because I have learned to understand his reasoning behind it I do...but that doesn't stop me from wanting to be loved in my way.
With this rule, we work on becoming less vague about what we want, and start to break things down into some specific actions. Things that we can SEE happening, and actual behaviors that can occur to let us chart our progress.
Lostlove got a great start with this in her first post, so we'll use some of her stuff for an example. (Hope you don't mind, LL!) Her broad goal could be stated as….
"Defined time that is set aside each week for us."
From there, she did a good job of being more specific, and action-oriented, with….
1) H will initiate outings more.
2) He will find more time to spend with the family.
3) He will find more time to spend separate time for us.
These are still a bit vague, though, but she goes on to describe more specific actions of…
1) He will surprise me with a sitter and say, "hey my mom will watch the kids tonight let's go see what's playing at the drive-in.
2) We will play a game of cards or darts one night a week.
3) Saturday night we either go out or rent a movie or hang in the basement playing darts.
This is a great action-oriented list! It will be easy to see when these goals are being accomplished.
Now, take some time to see what your goals would look like if you broke them down similar to this!!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
never been good at this goal oriented stuff - thanks for working with me sg
Quote: Ok, but that is all in the mind.
so we are talking physical things, things you said what a videocamera or a tape recorder would capture
of the three you mentioned, dinner out would be a doable thing. H does not do walks nor will he allow me to kiss him.
now to tie in what jj mentioned about goal-setting rule #2 With this rule, we work on becoming less vague about what we want, and start to break things down into some specific actions. Things that we can SEE happening, and actual behaviors that can occur to let us chart our progress.
my original goal
I WANT TO BE PHYSICALLY INTIMATE WITH MY HUSBAND
1) i will initiate a "date" alone with husband for dinner - sushi a) best day would be 30th of this month, that is the next time boys are with their mother, and i won't have to find a sitter for them, and i can leave daughter with friends. b) i will get all gussied up for my date (maybe purchase some thigh highs cause that drives H wild - is this too much?) c) i will ask him for this date by the 29th
Quoting kewlkitti:help me, am i on the right track?
Without knowing more about your situation, I would have to ask you if the dinner date is something that seems very doable right now, or is it something that's too far-reaching? If you think that it is doable, then I think that the thigh highs would be a GREAT idea!! If not, then you might want to set your goals more towards working up to the date.
Also, you might want to break down "physically intimate" a bit more. Will you be satisfied with some shoulder rubbing, maybe some hand holding, some light kisses, maybe some heavier kisses? Or would you be looking for a "home run"?!
If you're looking for the last one right now, and you're not already getting some of the others, it will be difficult to see any small steps that you're making if this doesn't happen that night.
But DO keep some focus on doing things that will "drive him wild"! Keep chipping away at his defenses!!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
You talk about initiating these things. Are you usually the initiator? When things are going well in your relationship?
What about dropping all initiation. Working on attracting him to initiate. Things like JJ says....that drive him wild.
What are the things you do that light your inner fire, make you attractive? Your glow. Do you sing, dance, hike, make turkey soup? What are 'YOUR' things?
What are you really good at?
What drew him to you to begin with?
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
my thread is here if you wanna grab some insight KewlKitti Thread
Quote: I would have to ask you if the dinner date is something that seems very doable right now, or is it something that's too far-reaching? If you think that it is doable, then I think that the thigh highs would be a GREAT idea!! If not, then you might want to set your goals more towards working up to the date.
hard to say. hmmm, someone else suggested (sage) that i try a date here at home. fix his favorite food, light some candles and get some wine. i think i may try that. i have asked him a few times over the last week about going out to eat sushi, and he is worried about the money situation at home so he always comes back with "let me see how my week goes"
Quote: Also, you might want to break down "physically intimate" a bit more. Will you be satisfied with some shoulder rubbing, maybe some hand holding, some light kisses, maybe some heavier kisses?
hmmm, until this last 7 - 10 days, i would have been happy with almost ANYTHING - and actually, i have gotten some "cuddling" in bed. some very nice spooning and touches that are unexpected and also he is letting me touch him more without recoiling from my touch. so actually, right now i would say i would like some "hand holding and some light kisses"
Quote: Or would you be looking for a "home run"?!
nope, i know he isn't ready and i will not push him
Quote: If you're looking for the last one right now, and you're not already getting some of the others, it will be difficult to see any small steps that you're making if this doesn't happen that night.
touche
Quote: But DO keep some focus on doing things that will "drive him wild"! Keep chipping away at his defenses!!
ok, this has GOT to be part of my goal - i have over the last 9 months lost almost 60 pounds. and i have yet to buy new clothes, everything looks BAGGY and OLD LADY on my now because i have refused to spend money until i get to goal (another 30 pounds) - but i need to focus on looking better - making myself more attractive to him...and there is LOTS i can do in that department. i can even go to the thrift store and buy some clothes to tide me over until i get to goal, ok, you have given me something to think about
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sg
Quote: I concur with JJ.
that is why you two make great moderators
Quote: You talk about initiating these things. Are you usually the initiator? When things are going well in your relationship?
well, sad to say no - grew up with the belief system that "initiating" makes you cheap - ok ok, stupid i know. something he did complain about when he dropped the bomb ("you never let me know you wanted me") - but doing a 180 with this (me initiating) i don't know if that will work, based on the fact that he told me that he never could see us being intimate again (altho i call what we are doing in bed over the last 7 - 10 days intimate - intimate does not mean sex all the time)
Quote: What about dropping all initiation. Working on attracting him to initiate. Things like JJ says....that drive him wild.
hehe, you two are damn good, did you know that??? there is not a price that i could put on the wealth of knowledge you two bestow on this board. thank you for the time you spend helping people - oh my, i digress...
Quote: What are the things you do that light your inner fire, make you attractive? Your glow. Do you sing, dance, hike, make turkey soup? What are 'YOUR' things?
cooking is my passion - i love nature (H hates it!) - and reading - all these things make me feel good.
Quote: What are you really good at?
that would have to be cooking
Quote: What drew him to you to begin with?
really? i think it was the challenge. i did NOT want him, for any reason - except as a friend. he told me "i love you" a whole 2 months before i ever said those words to him. i was so involved in my life and my work - i wasn't available like i am now and he pursued, and pursued hard. oh my...is that a revelation or what???
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ok, based on what i just went thru with these two "therapists" LOL
ULTIMATE GOAL: I WANT TO BE PHYSICALLY INTIMATE WITH MY HUSBAND
FIRST STEP - MAKE MYSELF MORE DESIRABLE
• go shopping for new clothes • get hair color (cover the grey) • get hair cut • get to the gym three times a week at least • get a new "nighty" - purple or green (H fave colors) • start taking showers at night right before bed - get some good "smelly" bath gel to smell good to come to bed (make sure legs are always shaved - H is a leg man) • make sure you have your "face on" before he gets up in the morning - like i have somewhere to go type thing. • start getting out more (contact friends in the area and arrange lunch and such - stop being a home body)
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i think this about covers your questions. now i feel i have something CONCRETE to work on. and that is the goal eh? forget the date for now, let's work on myself first, make myself desirable. i have been working on all the mental issues, but not on the physical ones - boy, what a dummy!!! LOL
