I'm crying my eyes out reading your thread. I've made a commitment to myself and my H not to have any R talks until the end of January, and just focus on enjoying the holidays, etc...
I had tried to find a retreat for us, and just didn't see anything that seemed appropriate to us. This sounds superb. THANK YOU!
I'm going to ask him to go (when I've honored my commitment). I'm pretty sure he won't be open to it, as he's pretty private, but I'm going to try. Wish me luck.
I've posted my sitch, so if you have time, take a peek. I'd love input regarding the applicability of the retreat to where we're at right now...
THANK YOU AGAIN!!!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I'm glad I updated the thread! I've read your thread, and it sounds like you have made a lot of progress lately. You don't mention if your H is seeing another woman. That would be the only potential problem. If there is no third party involved, then Retrouvaille would be an excellent choice. You can reassure your husband that this is NOT group therapy. The only person he will be talking to at Retrouvaille is you. In the group, you listen to the speakers. There is no group discussion. Retrouvaille is a very private, one on one experience. There are no therapists, counselors, or authorities. Just other couples who have been there and learned the pitfalls of unhappy marriages. This is a self-help program.
I have read your posts over and over again. There are tons of questions on my mind, but let me start with just a few:
- You described how couples arrive in separate cars, but by Saturday night they hold hands. What makes them change their mind, their feelings so quickly? It has been 7 or 8 weeks since the bomb, and I notice minor changes in my W's attitude. It is hard to believe that 24 hours at Retro will do the job.
- What happens at the follow-up sessions? Are there more presentations on a specific topics? Everybody says they are important, but how so?
Thank you for your patience.
AN
M43 W45, M17 S9 D6 Bomb: 11/11/08 EA: 10/26-12/31/08 ? Retrouvaille: 2/13-2/15/09 Healed, but still heading for D My situation
I think the change comes from several different elements of the entire Retrouvaille experience. First, there is the feeling of being in a safe place. Retrouvaille teaches you to talk to each other without fighting. To listen fully, without formulating a snappy comeback, or an argument. It doesn't dwell on the past, but it deals with it once, and puts it to bed. Retrouvaille teaches you rules to express yourself fully and fairly. As a result, the spouses relax with each other. They aren't at war. No one is losing. Everyone is winning. Retrouvaille is a place where you can open up your heart and tell the truth without fear of being attacked by the other person. Retrouvaille is a long meditation on the subject of yourself. You share your thoughts of yourself with your spouse. If the love you once had isn't completely dead, then you feel it again. Retrouvaille is a warm, safe, and healing experience.
As for the Post sessions. The weekend focuses on teaching the dialogue method, how to communicate your feelings to each other effectively and constructively. Communication is the key. But they don't teach you how to get along at the weekend. That is taught gradually over a 6 week follow-up period. In the Post sessions you learn more philosophical and psychological approaches to getting along. For example, it is in the Post sessions where idea that love is a decision is explained and explored. Where the importance of trust, commitment and forgiveness are discussed. Where you share memories from your birth families and compare your family of origin with your married family. And the Post sessions are important as a place to ask questions and get advice on problems as they come up. And perhaps most importantly, at the Post sessions you learn the method for dealing with conflict. It is a path of breadcrumbs, leading you from your place of pain into the light of a happy marriage.
There are many pitfalls along the way. But they offer you a roadmap if you choose to follow it. There are exercises and homework. I won't say we did every bit of homework, but we did almost all of it. We followed their advice to the letter. We did not stray from the path. And we got to where we wanted to go. That is my advice to all couples who go to Retrouvaille. Don't take it lightly, don't drop the dialoguing and go back to old habits when you get home. Getting along takes work and discipline. But, over time, it becomes easy and natural. And the rewards are worth the effort.
It's New Year's Day, time to renew the thread. The next Retrouvaille in Tampa should be soon. They will have to inform me as I have all the supplies in my closet. I am now the person who shleps it all to the site and sets out notebooks and pens on each chair (and tissue boxes underneath). It's not that big of a job, but it is important. I have nightmares about getting the weekend wrong and not having the stuff there on time.
Sara,
Does this mean you will be in Jacksonville on 2/20-21? After months and months of my wife fighting me on going, after our MC recommended it, the fetching Mrs. Puppy READILY agreed to go with me!
So tonight we had an incident, not a big incident, but it could have blown up. We were both in the kitchen, I was doing dishes; he was cooking. And he dropped an empty jar of spaghetti sauce on the floor. It was a mess, broken glass and tomato sauce. He gave me a minute or two to run to his rescue and take control of the situation, and I didn't do it. So he asked for the dustpan, and started sweeping it up himself. He did an alright job of cleaning it up, but not complete. I could have criticized it. But I tried not to. It bothered him that I stood there watching, but I continued to watch, and when he missed some glass, I did point it out. Then we sat down and ate, and I complimented his cooking.
Later, I was baking a cake, and he came in. He jokingly referred to his mishap with the jar. I joked with him too. Then he knew it was OK. In the old days, it would have been different. Probably, I would have cleaned it up myself, and resented him for making a mess. Treated him like a child because he messed up. We did better.
