as far as her changing her mind to suit her needs, put your foot down and dont' allow anymore waffling, nail down the visitation rights soon (do not forget every holiday, spring/winder vacation, floating holidays, etc, right down EVERYthing) I'm assuming you'll have joint custody, that entitles you to decide who cares for your children.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Yes, I am trying to cover all the bases where possible.
And I had another argument with W just this afternoon over her latest scheme. She left me a voicemail at work earlier and so I called her back (big mistake) thinking she wanted to ask me about picking up the kids. Instead she wanted to grill me about agreeing with her plans, saying she had to give notice to S4's current daycare provider by this Monday or else we'd be liable for the February fees. I let her have her say before I responded. I flat out told her I did not appreciate her only including me in her planning in the very 11th hour -- and, in response to why I did not like her plans themselves, told her that I do not approve of her mother as the caregiver to our S's.
W's response was some hogwash claiming she had been keeping me informed of her initial and progressing line of thinking on this since November, and that she had let me know that long ago that her mother was moving back to town. I didn't mince words when I told her that was bullsh*t. She also said that her mother loves our S's and is a good and loving person to be taking care of them. W said that their grandmother, a blood relative, was far preferable to some stranger. I argued against the notion that MIL was a proper grandmother, and was unfit for raising children.
W responded by saying how mean and hateful I supposedly am, simply because I won't agree with and give into her, and because I oppose her anti-family, anti-husband mother. I told her, no, I was concerned for the well-being of our children, and while I have come to dislike (not hate) MIL, my opposition to her was on the grounds of what I consider to be best for S8 and S4.
But W continued to go back to her old bag of now hackneyed arguments, using this disagreement as another example of why our marriage died. It got even uglier from that point. W devolved back to her same old spiel about how I killed her love for me and that I think that I am God because I cannot even consider that I might be wrong about something. (I countered by saying that she must think she is God since -- whenever she pronounces that I stopped loving her way back when -- she presumes to know me and my heart better than I do myself.)
That got me on a line of argument questioning her prior stance about Truth. I asked her did she believe that truth was subjective or was thre an absolute truth. In prior "conversations" W has parroted words similar to her mother, that Truth is relative and there can be many truths. Maybe she recognized the danger for her answer because she tried to change the subject. If she had upheld her prior notions about the supposed subjectivity of reality, I was prepared to lower the boom on her with regards to God and absolute truth, The Truth. If she were to deny that, I would have let her know how far astray from her own professed faith she had wandered. Moral relativism is the folly that got us where we are today in this sad, sad world.
But instead she set herself back on track by recounting how I failed her and our marriage. The same old accusations, the same old pretense at being a victim in all this. I interjected a rebuttal to say, "I made mistakes, yes, but none of that warranted your actions to betray me and to commit adultery." But she ignored me and continued her diatribe. Impatient with her, I began to say back to her, "blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..." as she continued her rant. And that was enough to anger her into hanging up on me.
Go ahead, bring on the 2x4's. I feel I am getting to the point where I just don't give a damn anymore. If the truth has to be butchered to save my marriage, then I no longer think it's worth it. No, complete candor is not always best, and prudence dictates otherwise. But If we can't be intellectually honest with each other, then we can never achieve the intimacy required for a healthy M anyway. And if the truth hurts, as it always tends to, enough that W wants the M ended, then I rather be alone in faith of the Truth, than miserable in a M of lies and deceit.
I can't help it. That's just how the cut of my jib is.
Yep, don't even tolerate paying MIL under the table! She might 'get away' with this, but you can make it difficult!
I agree. There may not be anything I can do from a legal standpoint, but I can make their plans just that much more difficult to achieve. I am not going to make it easy for them.
I just don't get how she thinks she can work part-time and $500 in daycare also. Most part-time jobs pay less than $500 a month where I live, way less when you figure out taxes and deductions. I would lose probably $100 a month if I did that. What would be the point of that??? Karen
No, complete candor is not always best, and prudence dictates otherwise. But If we can't be intellectually honest with each other, then we can never achieve the intimacy required for a healthy M anyway. And if the truth hurts, as it always tends to, enough that W wants the M ended, then I rather be alone in faith of the Truth, than miserable in a M of lies and deceit.
I can't help it. That's just how the cut of my jib is.
Well, I do think truth is good, but I kind of do believe there are different truths. I mean your W's perceptions of your marriage will be different than your perception or your children's perceptions. Everyone's experiences and life kind of makes them have different views of the same events I think.
I just think what is the point of going into that with your W? It never is resolved in a satisfying way. Whether you are married or not, it seems best to try to have a workable, as cooperative R as possible with your W. And that kind of arguing you both do isn't furthering that goal I don't think. I think instead of her catching you off-guard like she likes to do, maybe tell her something like you're thinking about it and will get back to her in a day or 2 or week or whatever. Then email her back so you can choose your words more thoughtfully.
Anytime she starts being negative about you and getting into R talk or what's wrong with you type of stuff, tell her you don't want to get into that with her and say you have to leave or hang up or whatever. Those kind of arguments don't help your marriage or your R with her even if you don't continue the marriage I think. Karen
I understand what you're saying, Karen. I do realize that no one human being has a monopoly on truth. We are all blind mice scrambling around trying to figure out this maze called Life. Some of us may have a better take on the lay of reality, but we all fall short of God's perspective. Only He knows the full Truth, the Absolute Truth that I speak of.
You see, Truth is not subjective, as the secular world would have us believe -- only our individual perceptions of truth are subjective. And that is merely because we are limited in our ability to grasp it entirely. That does not mean there is no Absolute Truth. Our task, as God's children, is to seek out this Absolute Truth, to complete as much of that puzzle as we can within the span of our short lives.
The "worldly" view, which my W now adheres to, would have us try to settle for the falsehoods we each try to pass off to ourselves as a legitimate "truth", co-equal to The Truth. That is just self-deception and folly.
As for having the argument with W, just about the only reason now that I will engage her in such an exchange is when it concerns the well-being and the interests of our two S's. I try my level best to never discuss our failed M with her since I see how pointless that really is. And maybe arguing with her over the children is pointless as well, but I (now) refuse to acquiesce to her domineering attitude. After months and years now of trying to be reasonable with her, I see that has gotten me nothing but contempt from her. I am to the point where I don't care about offending her anymore if I believe she's in the wrong where our S's interests lie.
W's under the arrogant misconception that as their mother she can do no harm where they are concerned. And she is now, for the third time in less than a year's time, proceeding with changing up their daycare without even prior consultation with me, their father, let alone getting my consent. Just this very morning she left a voicemail on my work phone to tell me she was proceeding with giving the current daycare provider notice of her intended changes -- she did not ask me for my consent.
W's under the arrogant misconception that as their mother she can do no harm where they are concerned. And she is now, for the third time in less than a year's time, proceeding with changing up their daycare without even prior consultation with me, their father, let alone getting my consent. Just this very morning she left a voicemail on my work phone to tell me she was proceeding with giving the current daycare provider notice of her intended changes -- she did not ask me for my consent.
How do your sons feel about that? You know AS kids, continuity and stability are very important, and it seems your W is kind of doing the opposite. If you go into court, maybe your L could use that in some way; anybody that knows anything about AS will know that's not right. Have you talked to your W about the consistency and stability they need and that 3 changes in less than a year is just too much for them? My dad did that kind of stuff in the years after my mom died, my brother and I would go to 3 schools in a year for about 3 yrs., and it was hard on us. (After he got more together, he apparently regretted it, and wouldn't move around at all after that b/c he realized it wasn't right btw. I think my dad kind of lost it and was messed-up and if your W is like that, maybe she shouldn't be making major decisions without your input...I mean even if she was 100% together, your input should be given in terms of schooling and things like that.
I see your W as being a lot like my H. They are both button-pushers and after knowing us so well, not hard to figure out what they are. When she says stuff like "you think you're God" and comments like you killed the marriage, she is obviously trying to make you mad! My H had a period where he was doing that all the time too. I think they have to be experiencing some guilt over their actions, so when they get us to fight I guess it helps for a time, makes them feel they are justified. My personal take is I refuse to let him push my buttons (well not very often) b/c I refuse to make this easy for H. I want him to experience the full guilt (well as much as he's capable of feeling anyway). Karen
Karen, my W had already been working on propagandizing this to my two S's before she even bothered to talk to me about it. When I picked them up Friday evening, the first words out of S4's mouth -- I kid you not -- was that he loved MIL and thought she would take good care of him. Even S8 was saying how he thought riding the bus again would be fun.
I can't tell you how utterly sand-bagged I felt after hearing the brain-washing of my two boys like that. W had warned me before about involving our S's in decisions that were not theirs to make, and I had agreed, but this represented a double-standard and such a breach of trust and fairness. I guess I shouldn't be surprised what a lieing, cheating adulterer will do, but this was once a person I had placed so much trust in.
S8 has apparently forgotten (so too his mother) of the difficulty he had had when riding the bus in prior years. Everyone seems to be forgetting how our AS son was taken advantage of by the older students -- a situation that W had used as an excuse to take him off the bus in the first place.
And W had used the excuse that S4 needed preschool 5-days per week (instead of just two) in order to be able to learn better with his peers. Seems that reasoning too has been reversed.
No, W has not shown any respect for my position in anything concerning our S's and our family for a very long time now. Her disregard for my rights, duties and obligations as our S's father go beyond the pale.
The thing is that if I were to refuse to let her "push my buttons" on this, she would take that as tacit consent for her to continue to dictate all aspects of parenting our S's. This is one exception to the rule that I have to express my passion about, or else risk being bulldozed over. I can find no middle ground in this, unfortunately.
If this weren't about my kids, I would have walked away and said frakk it all. But my sons are now the last real thing in this life that matters that much to me. And I am tired of playing the "nice guy" for her. So I am now coming to the conclusion that it might be time I take the kid gloves off and sick my "Alpha Dog" on her.
The question I have kept asking myself in the past and throughout every incident in this great ordeal was, "Is this the hill I want to die on?"
And on this hill, I must conclude, yes, it is. This is a hill that does matter that much to me.
S8 has apparently forgotten (so too his mother) of the difficulty he had had when riding the bus in prior years. Everyone seems to be forgetting how our AS son was taken advantage of by the older students -- a situation that W had used as an excuse to take him off the bus in the first place.
And W had used the excuse that S4 needed preschool 5-days per week (instead of just two) in order to be able to learn better with his peers. Seems that reasoning too has been reversed.
I think your W really makes decisions based on what will be best for her and not your sons, and in that, she is consistent.
To me button-pushing is the kind of comments your W likes to make to you which seem an obvious attempt to make you react, the comments like you think you're god or you killed the marriage or there you go again or things like that. I don't see the school issue as button-pushing, but a serious issue that needs to be dealt with. Those other kind of comments I think you should just ignore or leave when she starts making them, I agree with the schooling you will have to deal with that. When you've discussed them attending 3 schools in less than a year, she doesn't see that as a problem? Have you thought about family C or something? maybe that would be good b/c helping your W to realize you both need input on that and how harmful it is, etc. I don't think a good C would agree with that kind of parenting. Karen
She is truly amazing. It seems all she ever wants is you to just agree with her arraignments with no thought to maybe that your also their parent and have every right to be involved in the decisions that effect them.
unbelievable...
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
I think your W really makes decisions based on what will be best for her and not your sons, and in that, she is consistent
I fully agree with this. She bends and molds the truth, the reasons, to fit whatever she is selling to you, or trying to sell to you. Amazing she would put her needs first, but it really seems that she does.
