Hi there, I will share a thought. I went though something similar when my FIL died and I was not yet divorced although my x did not dare bring the ow to the service. It was still uncomfortable as most people did not know that he had left me.
Your MIL loves you and wants you to feel that you are part of her family still. But you have to do what is right for you as well. There will be many people around your MIL I hope. If so you can go to services, perhaps offer to help at the house before the guests arrive if that is the format, and then gracefully sneak out before the stbx shows up.
If you run into them, be graceful, express condolences to the stbx, take a good look at the ow after you express your sorrow to the stbx, and either continue your duties as the daughterinlaw or get on home, whatever you choose. Good luck, you can do it. Wonder
I only blame the EX... the OW has only heard from him what she probably is assuming the truth...she doesn't know the truth I don't blame her at all...she doesn't know his MLC and what he did.
No matter what kind of person I was or wife I was,I will always blame ex for what he did to me and our children...
Nothing you do can justify what Ex has done if they cheat. No one deserves that from anyone.It is just to painful and hurtful... ITSY
M54 H54 married 30 years Prostitues and Other women "100's" 10/7/2004 Prostitue/Junkie girlfriend 6/04-1/07? Left 1/5/05 returned 1/9/05 Asked h to leave 4/2005 Had to, prostitues OW 5/2005 not a prostitue Divorced 9/2006
It's so sad just how self centred and hurtful they can be. In order to deal with his guilt he's going to shove OW into the faces of his family and you. In some bizarre way he thinks this makes what he has done legitimate. I guess he fakes it until he makes it! So he just carries on as though he's done nothing wrong. He pretends while hurting everyone else around him at a time of great grief for all involved. It's the same old same old...it's all about them, baby. You do what you feel best doing Livin4ME, nothing you do aside from making a horrible scene (which you won't do) would be inappropriate. You are courageous and loving just to go, be proud of that fact. You are way ahead of him!
I want to thank everyone for their prayers. stbx DID show up with OW. BIL warned FIL about 2 minutes before they walked in. He made sure to be near MIL. A few minutes after their arrival, I was surrounded by family asking if I was ok. I handled it very well. We just kept our distance. He walked by and tapped me once and said hi so I turned around and asked how the kids were, he replied and I turned back around. Thru it all, I had about 15 family members come up and ask me if I was ok and how he could bring her. Then the next statement was either, "she's hideous!", "so ugly!", "yuck!", "he's stupid!", "what does he see in her!?" or my favorite, "I wouldn't even give her a 3 to your 8!" lol If he drew the line yesterday, the whole family let him know that they didn't see it. Of course, he decided to be a jerk last night. He's had the kids since New Year's Eve and brought them back last night. I noticed he didn't bring back S3's favorite stuffed animal that he can't sleep without. So I asked if he could meet me half way so he could have it for last night. His response was that he wasn't going to waste the gas and I needed to learn how to tell our son no and stop letting him walk all over me as I heard OW laughing in the background. So I drove the 45 minutes to his apartment to get the stuff animal so S3 could sleep. Today was the actual service, but I couldn't go because of no sitter. But I took them to the luncheon afterwards at the request of MIL. So over all, it went well, given the circumstances. I didn't let them get to me and I was able to put them aside and be there for the family.
Me- 29 X - 30 M - 7.5 years Final April 2009 S - 2005 D - 2007
Don't make someone a priority who only makes you an option.
A wise fish once said...Just keep swimming...Just keep swimming!
Yes, sometimes the bad can also bring the good. If you hadn't have gone to the funeral you would not have learned how deeply your inlaws feel towards you, that is indeed priceless. You were selfless in going and being there for the family and you were blessed by having done so! Hang in there, it WILL get better...it will!!!!
Well here's something amusing. Talking to stbx's cousin at the luncheon after the service on Monday. She tells me that another cousin, the one who's mom just died, was talking to her the night before. I've only got to meet him a couple times over this last year because he lives in another state. And he says, "(stbx)is just stupid. I've been able to talk to (me) and she's a great person. Do you think it would be weird if...ya know." hahaha and she was encouraging me to talk to him! I mean we had talked a couple times just about random stuff. And he told me he has gone thru a similar sitch and I was gonna be ok. I just think it's funny! Definitely lets me know how the family feels about me! lol
Me- 29 X - 30 M - 7.5 years Final April 2009 S - 2005 D - 2007
Don't make someone a priority who only makes you an option.
A wise fish once said...Just keep swimming...Just keep swimming!
ok guys, I'm having issues with S3. Hoping ya'll can give me some insight on how to handle it. When he comes back from spending time with stbx, he wets the bed at night and will have random accidents during the day. He's been potty trained for a while now and sometimes he would have accidents, but they've become more frequent in the last couple months. And I've noticed that it's usually the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th night after being with stbx. After that, he'll be fine until the next visit. During the day when he has an accident, he'll just stand up from whatever he's doing, and won't even attempt to run to the bathroom, he'll just go. Also, his tantrums and meltdowns have become more frequent. I know that it's somewhat normal for his age, but at what point does it become 'not normal'!? He's been trying to get me and stbx to hug and kiss, refusing to talk to stbx on the phone when he calls, and has not wanted to go with him when he picks him up. And the smallest thing will set him off in a complete meltdown where he screams and cries for his dad and I can't get him to calm down! Again, I know some of it is 'normal' for the age, but how much of it!? And how to I handle it? I can't keep calling stbx everytime he has a meltdown. Is there something I can do? I try calming him down and I'm calm myself when he does this stuff. Sometimes I do get upset, but more times than not, I'm calm. When he has an accident, I don't get onto him or yell. I tell him it's ok and he tell him next time, he needs to hurry to the bathroom. I'm just at my wits end with it, ya know. Any advice or suggestions?!
Me- 29 X - 30 M - 7.5 years Final April 2009 S - 2005 D - 2007
Don't make someone a priority who only makes you an option.
A wise fish once said...Just keep swimming...Just keep swimming!
aww, poor little guy, guess he's pretty confused now. Ask stbx if s3 is having accidents at his place, if he is, then it is just a matter of potty training him again, or perhaps stbx isn't taking him to the bathroom before bedtime or when it's needed, calmly bring up this concern to him so he can try to do a better job to help s3 go to the bathroom often.
I half remember when my d5 was 3 she did try a few times to have us hug or kiss, perhaps when he does this pick him up and kiss him and tell him you love him and that dad loves him too.
The meltdows are somewhat typical, but you are right, you can't keep calling his dad when he does this or he'll use it as a weapon more often. Just calmly tell him that he isnt' here and that mom is here to help him, be consisten and don't call his dad anymore. 3 is a hard age as they try to find who they are and kids are trying to find their voice.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Do you know when you've started to forgive? I've been praying for help with forgiving stbx. I know I need it in order to move on. I know in order for me to have any chance at future R's, I have to forgive him and get this ugly anger out of me. I believe I'm starting to do that. S3 was talking to him this afternoon and he passed the phone to me, saying he wanted to talk to me. We talked about S3's dentist appt earlier. I owe the dentist money, so I asked him the payment schedule and told him I would be taking them a check Thursday when I go back. That opened up quite a bit of conversation. Started rather cold. He of course told me that everything is on me because I can't get passed this. I told him that I'm working on it. That's why I can't talk to him without saying something mean and hurtful to him. His response of course was, "you can't say anything hurtful to me, I'm over it." But that's why I don't talk to him. I don't want to cause any more issues because of something I may say. So I don't say anything. And once I get my issues worked out, then I can start a coparenting relationship with him. He of course wanted to know my issues and so on and so forth. Really wanted way too much information for someone being over it. I answered everything honestly, but didn't tell him absolutely everything, because I feel that I don't owe him details. This is MY healing process. Our tones changed by the end of the conversation. We weren't yelling, screaming and cussing like we usually do. In fact, we didn't do that at all this time. He had another call and asked if we could finish this later. I said ok. But I really think I needed to have that conversation with him to REALLY start my process of forgiveness. I've been playing it in my head for a while now, wondering how it was going to go. Ya know when you're so mad at someone and you can't say anything to them, so you just attack them in your head?! lol I didn't attack him like I had in my head so many times. I didn't point fingers, well, too many anyways! lol Nothing was really even accomplished in the whole conversation, we didn't agree or disagree on anything for the kids or anything like that. But I feel a certain degree of peace after this afternoon. Its weird really. I can't describe it. It's just there. And I think I've finally accepted that it's over between us. I wish him well, altho, karma's a b*tch! I know more feelings are going to arise out of this and I know I'll have to deal with them. And I'm not saying I'm completely over it. But I think I have FINALLY started healing. And I feel better about it.
Me- 29 X - 30 M - 7.5 years Final April 2009 S - 2005 D - 2007
Don't make someone a priority who only makes you an option.
A wise fish once said...Just keep swimming...Just keep swimming!
For me forgiveness comes in stages. I remember a sermon at church that was all about forgiveness, and how you had to forgive before you could be forgiven. I told her that day I forgave. Of course that wasn't the end. But now, 7 months after it is final and 14 months since I moved out, the anger isn't there anymore. Every once in awhile I'll get a twinge, but it quickly subsides.
Just like the others have said, it just takes time.
As for having to have THAT conversation... not sure that will really help. The forgiveness and healing comes from within you and it won't turn on a dime.
