I agree with what oldtimer said about your children can benefit.
BUT, this is an ongoing goal, so they will be learning throughout your life as you move forward, not just from the past.
It is important that if your XH does not show them what a father is suppose to be, then you must find a male figure that CAN show them what a man is to be, maybe your dad, or your brother, just someone.
I'm glad that you are seeing the light, and I know that you feel you screwed it all up, but be thankful that you are seeing. So many of us, and I'm sure this includes your XH like OT said, will ride in the dark and never poke their head out. You are so much further now that you are seeing in the light. Not all of us poke our heads out at the same time. Some are sooner and some are later. You've learned a great deal and with that, you will be able to help so many, and you will be able to make a great life for yourself.
Let God lead you and you will never go wrong.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I am glad that my FIL lives next door - he is the real deal.
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Just a quick note. I woke up stupid early today. Started to get sad...just missing him. Thinking how things are "supposed" to be (HAH!) I just wanted him to hold me, not say anything...just feel his arms again, hear his heartbeat, breathe him in.
I got up and looked at his picture. And I stopped crying.
I used to know every wrinkle on his face, practically every freckle on this red-haired man.
It has been so long....
Now, I just see a man. Someone I used to know.
Its strange that the feelings I have don't seem as linked to who he was on the outside...I thought it was for who he was on the inside. But, maybe not even to who HE really was, but some version of him that I carried inside me...?
That seems to be the dilemma many of us face -- reconciling the person we married in the beginning to the person they are now. We struggle with the question of whether they, the WAS, really changed into these severe distortions of our spouses we see today (which begs the follow-up question of just how and when this could have happened) ...or were they really like this all along and we were just to blind to see them for what they were/are.
It was fun talking to you! Hopefully we'll be able to connect.. let's set a date and etch it in stone.
I try and look back at my relationship with my spouse.. but the water is far too muddy to know what was and wasn't true. However, I can be in the present and know who I am.
I am not the same person I was when he left. I'm in a much better, healthier place.. more aware of my surroundings. I'm no longer delirious for crumbs of affection. I work on facing my fears rather than letting them consume me.
I can immense regrets that we've lost so much money in legal fees and expenses.. that 'Only if I'd known how to do the divorce in June.. blah blah blah..'. Guess what? It doesn't matter. It is what it is. And it is what it is for a reason.
It's not about what was.. what I should have done, one magical moment or two when I could have behaved just a little different and this never would have come to pass. We are who we are, beautifully flawed.
Seeing your friend from Al-Anon probably was a message. A safe place to visit.
My sister keeps saying that I'm seeing the person my spouse has always been to others. I'm on the outside of his fierce protectiveness. You know what.. it's all choices.
I can mourn the loss of the 'forever' and at the same time relish the 'now'.
I can feel immense gratitude for what I have, rather than what was lost (and turns out had been lost for quite a while).
I can live my life with all five senses rather than playing a role I thought was right.
Choices.. Donna... it's all our choice.
To be happy, sad, forgiving, angry. I make my own world. It's not perfect.. but guess what.. neither I am.
I can't get to DB from work anymore, which is pissing me off to no end. I will try to get caught up with all of my friends here when I can - I miss you! and care what's been going on in your lives. In the meantime, you can go here to see what I'm up to.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Two delayed-opening days at work this week. Today was run-around, but good. Breakfast at one school, solid day with the students at the other. Got to be in the presence of a lot of good people; wow, when you count the kids, they number in the hundreds! Home to a nice convo with in-laws, just catching up. A phone call from my close friend down the street, making plans to get together tomorrow. And my children coming home like a whirlwind. They were so kind to each other tonight - I love to catch that - while they took turns playing a game.
How goes it? It was fun dancing on Wednesday. You should join us, but wear comfy shoes.
The dancing is more like fishing. I've started going just to dance.. as a way of getting used to being around men. So I dance dance dance without any expectations or intentions. Just like fishing, I get to spend lots of good time alone. Catching something is a bonus but not necessary.
