Even Puppies Need a Pat

[Hope4us]

Man oh man Pup. I'm right there with ya.

I'm sure my W felt unloved because I was away so much for work and when I was home I was working so much that I would be exhausted when I got home. But I was working to give her and the boys everything they want and deserve, ya know, providing for my family. It's the way I was brought up. My dad did the same thing. In my house, that was showing love. And it was normal for my W and I as my W grew up in a household where Grandpa, Step dad, Mom, Aunt all worked for our company, so the culture of what it takes to move up in our company was something she knew very well. Thing is, I think we lost each other in the race to get where we thought we wanted to be. I think we were so caught up in where we wanted to be, we forgot WHY we wanted to get there.

Ok, gotta run. Now the trick is to not let things slide again. Which I'll NEVER do if I get the chance.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I pout and/or get angry and pull away. I do try more now to say "What's wrong?" and get her to open up, but when she's like this, she doesn't WANT to open up, and so the cycle starts again.

We have to learn to find a way to allow the natural Martian and Venusian "rubber band" pulling away and snapping back, to actually SNAP BACK. Instead, ours pulls away and pulls away and eventually breaks.

And each time this happens (and there have been four or five distinct crises), it takes a major toll on the marital relationship, much as a massive stroke takes its toll on the brain.

Puppy

[ediemarie]

I just see similiarites(sp) between myself and your w. Our issues aren't just physcial tho, but I do find myself change in certain circumstances. What helps in our situation is physcial touch. When my H sees me go to that place, he will touch me - either hug me, or touch my arm, rub my back, any one of those things and more. It doesn't solve the problem of what makes me "change" but it does bring me back to the present and reassures me that we are a team, not opposing forces.

ETA - physcial touch is what works with me - what do you think will work with your w? You may have to try several things.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Ediemarie,

First of all, THANK YOU for your thoughts on this.

It's funny you mention touch, because although it is NOT anywhere near the top of my wife's Love Languages (she actually scored out about equal for all of the others -- Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Gift Giving and Acts of Service -- and very low on Physical Touch), a hug DOES seem to "bring her back," so to speak.

In fact, it's what caused the breakthrough yesterday morning! After a night of hating my guts, telling me to go stay with someone else, ignoring me all morning and slamming doors, etc., I just sucked it up, said a quick "Holy Spirit, help me!" prayer, and walked into the bedroom and told her I wanted to talk to her. And when the things got venemous, instead of responding, something told me to JUST HUG HER.

And so I did.

She sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. And then started yelling at me again, saying I was "phony" and "how could you love me, if you want to divorce me?!" and everything else, but rather than try to REASON with her, I just kept HUGGING her.

I have also asked her before, when she gets in one of her moods, how I can help, and she has always said "Sometimes I just need a hug."

Man, for a non-"touch" person, she sure gets despondent when you don't touch her!!!

Woman . . . go figure!

Puppy

[lost_in_space]

Puppy

Just gotta say "attaboy". Great for both of you. A great opportunity has come your way and I know you will do whatever you can.

Watching to learn - once again!

[ediemarie]

I just sucked it up, said a quick "Holy Spirit, help me!" prayer, and walked into the bedroom and told her I wanted to talk to her.

LOL!!! I think I have heard my H mutter that same prayer.

That touch thing comes from John Gottman. We have found that just touching each other - the act of just reaching out - diffuses so many arguments. It's hard to argue with someone who is holding you tightly and loving you in spite of all your (my) ugliness. We all just want to know that we are loved.

[kat727]

If you know where the cycle starts, you have the power to knock it out of the rut. You know what doesn't work, so get out of the cheeseless tunnel and see what does work. You can do this.

kat

[Sara]

Puppy,

I am so happy for you. I know that you will get a lot out of Retrouvaille. All it takes is two people who want to make the effort. I learned so much about my husband by reading his answers to their questions. I lived with this man for 28 years, but had very little insight into his feelings.

I would caution you to be careful in this time leading up to Retro. My husband and I found the time before Retro to be a minefield of good and bad. We'd have great days, and then an awful fight. We were unable to really put the hostility to bed until they taught us how. Of course, you have developed good ability to control your actions and words. That really is the most important thing.

[sgctxok]

I believe you can do this.

I truly believe most of love and CHEMISTRY are CREATED ... by what you say and what you do.

[hope3343]

Puppy,
When I read your initial post about getting D, I always felt that this was still unresolved business.
Now in catching up with your sitch, I see that you are going to give Retro a try. That is great.
M is a tough road, there is no shame in saying that we never really knew or understood our spouses even in long term marriages. This could be the most exciting times in your life.

I came from a family that believed you stayed married for life. If you weren't happy too bad you just put up.
When my grandparents were married 60 years and they were posing in front of their cake, my cousin asked my grandfather how does it feel to be married for 60 long years...my grandfather said "if I killed a man I would be a free man today", my grandmother smacked his arm. It was what it was.

We will be praying for you.