Copies from H4U's thread, just to give everyone a little background on yesterday. I still have yet to post the HORRIFIC fight we had Friday night and Saturday morning, which I will try to do sometime today. It's what led to everything:
One of the things my wife told me during our hours-long talk yesterday morning: "Do you know what I'd like us to do?"
"What?" I asked.
"Find something that we enjoy doing together -- a shared interest."
"Like when we used to work out together?" I said.
"Well, yeah, except I see enough of that place since I work there. It can be anything; I just want us to find something we can do together, and talk about together. You and the boys have your baseball and your football and your golf, and that's GREAT -- I envy that. It's been tough on me since the girls moved out (D21 and D19), and you and I just go our separate ways. I'd like us to have at least one thing we do together."
The conversation then turned also to finding some sense of PURPOSE in our lives, and then I suggested combining the two.
"This may sound stupid, but you know what I've been thinking of doing?" I asked.
"What?"
"Working at an animal shelter or something." (we both like to watch "Animal Cops" and our whole family are real animal lovers). "I'd like to volunteer a couple of hours every-other weekend or something."
"I was thinking the same thing!" she said.
"Maybe that's something we could do together, and then we could talk about what we saw that day, etc." I said.
I'm going to look into it. A woman I work with is very involved with a local rescue organization, and I'm sure she'd be a good place to start.
Yesterday we went to the mall and did some Christmas exchanges. On our way out, I asked her if she wanted to go for a Starbucks, which she almost never turns down. Instead, she said "Do you know what I could REALLY go for? A presidente margarita."
So I said "OK, let's go to that new Chili's that opened up, and I'll get you your margarita, and we can sit in the bar because there's a football game I'd like to watch (NFL playoff game)."
She immediately agreed, and we had a GREAT time, just talking and dreaming and drinking and eating chips & queso. I watched some football but also just talked to her, and LISTENED to her. I told her I missed that she used to watch Jaguars games with me. We then brought the boys home some take-out from there, got changed, and went out and saw "Seven Pounds" (GREAT movie!!!), and then went to our favorite local pub for some live music and a final drink, and this morning we made love.
We even made love this morning. First time in more than 8 months.
Where's Hairdog when you need him, with his "lucky bastard!" teases!
Puppy
Just wondering here Pup, but do you think that possibly you two just got into the rut that rolls around after a period of time after an affair and now you both realize it's not what you want?
Don't know, just an observation.
But yes, lucky bastard indeed.
That's definitely part of it. I was looking for a LOT more effort from her after she had the affair, and yet I saw us slipping back into the same SSM rut that we've always gotten into, and I just had way too much resentment built up.
Here's our marital dysfunction in a nutshell. You're all going to think it's stupid (we do too!), but it's been going on for almost 20 years now:
We are best friends. We genuinely like and respect each other, and have always felt that God put us together for a reason, and that the other was "the one" for us. We were deeply in love and extremely happy during the early part of our marriage.
And we STILL share many of the same values, same interests, and get along great. There is no abuse -- physical, verbal, emotional, drug or alcohol -- no infidelity other than her 3-month affair in the Summer of '07 (I'm not dismissing that that's a huge thing, but there's no pattern of it in our marriage). No fights to speak of, no health issues, no family issues -- NOTHING.
Nothing except this thing where she pulls away from me, and I react poorly to it.
That's it. I don't know how to handle rejection gracefully, and she treats my ego and my libido carelessly and wounds me. The cycle repeats. I eventually stop meeting HER primary LLs (mine are PT and WOA; hers are WOA and QT) -- on purpose -- because I resent her not meeting mine. She then feels unloved, and pulls away even further.
The DEPTH to which she feels unloved came out of her in a blind rage yesterday morning! She said I was a "phony" and I didn't really love her, and how COULD I if I never touched her, and didn't sleep with her, and yadda yadda yadda. It was a horrific fight, and at one point I thought she might even hit me. It all started the night before when I decided to go to the pub with my friend, instead of asking her to do something, and instead of telling her I was going, I communicated it thru the boys while she was out at the gym, which I shouldn't have done, but she WAY overreacted, and even sent me a text message sayhing "maybe you should stay at your friend's house tonite."
I ignored that request, and went home at 11:30, but she had all the lights out and would have turned the house alarm on had our D19 not been still due to come home!
And then the huge fight yesterday morning, where she was SCREAMING at me. She said she never felt more alone, never felt more unloved, and never felt more discarded and rejected. "HOW CAN YOU WANT TO DIVORCE ME!!?" I was incredulous. I had to remind her that it was SHE who brought up D again just 10 days before Christmas! It was like this fantasy where she hadn't thought about the repercussions of everything.
Anyway, sorry for the sidebar, but that's really the only ongoing issue we have in our marriage -- her lack of intimacy/physical touch/sex, and my poor pouting reaction to it, and then it snowballs.
Where's Hairdog when you need him, with his "lucky bastard!" teases!
Banned I seem to remember so I will have to award you the LB stamp!!!
So pleased to hear your news Pup. I know that in my sitch, finding each other again and doing things together has been very important. Children are a blessing, but they also do divide one's time and one can lose sight of one's H/W.
Recognising the cycle where you start to pull apart is also very important - don't forget it because it is easy to slip into. We call a 'time out' sometimes when we see ourselves sliding into it, to give one another space to calm down, and then we are willing to reconnect. It's all about communication......so Retro should really help.
((((((((HUGS)))))))))
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Recognising the cycle where you start to pull apart is also very important - don't forget it because it is easy to slip into. We call a 'time out' sometimes when we see ourselves sliding into it, to give one another space to calm down, and then we are willing to reconnect.
Saffie,
I'd love to hear more detail about this. Because I can, specifically, see when the cycle starts each time. And yet I've been unsuccessful thus far in trying to break through it. I can literally SEE the expression in her eyes, and on her entire face, change.
To be honest, it scares me. It's like she's two different people.
Just reading this Pup, and from what others have said about Retro, I think that is going to be the best step you and your W can take to fix your marriage.
I see so many similarities between you and me.
My W and I have always been best friends also. We always did everything together. Football games, shopping, golf....heck, she even will go bird watching with me sometimes (and she's got a pretty good eye for it!)...just everything.
But then work and travel for work started getting in the way and when we were together I wanted to just jump right back into US and didn't realize women need to warm back up into US and that caused resentment both ways. And then we moved and along comes a predator and here we are.
I think my W and I are excellent candidates for Retro also. Now if I could just get her to agree to go....
Maybe I'm too much of a glass half full guy, but I think you've turned the corner. Your W was able to share with you (albeit in a screaming manner) her fears and frustrations and you were able to HEAR her. Me thinks the years of a SSM may be coming to an end for you....
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
It's amazing; neither one of us felt LOVED, and yet neither one of us have ever stopped loving the other.
"How can you say you LOVE me, if you won't touch me??!" would be my cry.
"How can you say you LOVE me, if you want to GET RID OF me??!" would be hers.
We've each been screaming past each other.
We just need to learn to recognize -- and then work thru -- this "thing" that we have. We have talked about that it SHOULDN'T be that hard, and yet it's always crippled us, and even ultimately brought our marriage to its knees.
I can, specifically, see when the cycle starts each time. And yet I've been unsuccessful thus far in trying to break through it. I can literally SEE the expression in her eyes, and on her entire face, change.
And when this happens, you do what? Hold her? Run to her? Run away from her? Pout? FIB . . .what have you done/what could you do/what will you do DIFFERENTLY?
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
