Was that a speedbump or a milestone?

[sleeper]

Just when you think you've seen it all.

I picked up kids to begin my week tonight. I had detected tension in X's voice when we talked on the phone and the reason came to light at swap. After a few moments of pleasantries she asked who I went on a date with. I declined to tell her saying that was private. She then demanded to know claiming what affected her kids was her business. I declined again. She became more and more demanding threatening me with not letting me have the kids tonight. She used several arguments such as she is the mother of my children (the queen mum?) and deserves to know. I used the excuse it was someone I worked with and could not say due to potential policy violations if it became known. Of course she promised not to tell anyone. She wanted to know how old the person is and do they have children. I informed her that she hasn't met my children and our kids haven't met her or hers. As she became angry she made a snotty comment that it is probably some fat girl. Then she began the litany of my failings in our marriage as reasons she should be told what she wanted. I interrupted her and reminded her I formally asked her to forgive me for those failings Sat (I know I've asked before but asked again for good measure). She responded, "I have forgiven you." I then told her she shouldn't be bringing it up and stood my ground and wouldn't tell her anymore.

She did let me have kids tonight but as we were leaving she told me she hated me, and that I have ruined her life. She was very upset when we parted ways and didn't drive towards her house. She has a habit of driving around when she is upset. I hope she went to OM's house to cry on his shoulder that I wouldn't tell her who I went on a date with.

Anyone ever seen or heard of such?

[graceallday]

well she simply is NOT OVER you....that is obvious! This is just unbelievable....you know they say the opposite of love is not hate....its indifference and she is anything but indifferent....will she ever look in the mirror

[Andabelle]

I hope she didn't tell you she hated you in front of the kids.

WOW-- just Wow.

[sleeper]

This morning I had to see her because she had things kids needed for school. She started again on the phone and I hung up. She called 7 times but I didn't answer. She was driving to me when I left and she followed me. We stopped in a parking lot.

I got the stuff from her and she started again. DS is now very sad and told her he is going to divorce us both. She wants to re-open all the things we agreed to in the D, basically wants to use that to punish me. She railed again about my failures and I reminded her she said she would forgive me.

I told her point blank she is still in love with me. She didn't deny it but said she is moving on with her life. I responded, "How can you move on with your life and leave your heart behind?" She said nothing. I pointed out it was true because she didn't deny it.

Bottom line is she is very conflicted. She is still in love with me but doesn't want me because she is so angry and I failed her. She doesn't want anyone else to have me. She wants to control me and punish me when I don't behave as she wants.

I don't know what to do but ride it out.

Deep down I knew this would happen when I started dating and considered waiting til all the legals were wrapped up but that would have been letting her control my life. She could probably re-open them and cause trouble anyway.

Is there anyway I can get through to her?

I'm considering taking her up on her suggestion of counseling she made Saturday.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Is there anyway I can get through to her?

Maybe.

I'm considering taking her up on her suggestion of counseling she made Saturday.

The decision to try again when you have already started to move in another direction is perhaps one of the hardest choices you will make.

When you find yourself on the wrong path, most people are too stubborn to turn around to get back on the right path. How do you know if you're on the wrong path? If your heart and mind conflict about the destination.

[Andabelle]

Why not just ask her if she's hell-bent on moving on with her life, then why can't you move on with yours? I'm curious what her answer would be.

You dating might be the shock to her system she needs to wake up. Maybe she'll finally realize she can't keep you on the hook indefinitely, and will have to do something if she doesn't want to lose you.

[Bworl]

Sleeper,

I'd just say that whatever you do right now, do not begin backing down on living your own life according to what YOU want to do.

I'm not saying date. Not at all.

I'm saying that you cannot give your wife the impression that she is controlling your actions with her outbursts. This is the pattern that she wants and is used to.

You need to break that pattern to get her to look at this relationship honestly.

If she wants you to attone for past mistakes, that's an issue. And it should be coming up in marital counseling, not by attempting to control you into the behavior she wants.

You have to break the cycle here. I like that you spoke honestly to her about her still being in love with you. I find it amazing that she is at the place where she can hear that and not react negatively to it.

Stay the course. Make the decisions you feel are right, reasonable, and proper. But handle supporting your position like a man, not like a fighter.


Blessings,

Bill

[sleeper]

Tried not to but had cotact again lst night. There were some more things kids needed at X's. She did a very poor job of transferring what they needed to me at swap this week. Could have been the holiday effect or that she's a little more rattled than usual.

OM was there (of course, it's his second home). X snapped at me when she came out in very poor timing as one of the kids was having a meltdown when she did. I snapped right back. Interestingly, she stopped.

I didn't like what I saw in her. Cold, stoney-faced, different not the person I married or even separated from 2 yrs ago. I felt no desire to be around her, not even sure if I like her anymore.

Funny how you can not plan it, hasten it or even see it coming.

The worm turns in it's own time.

[job]

Sleeper,
I bet you didn't think about this one...she may have deliberately forgot to give you everything for the kid swap just so that you would have to communicate w/her about the missing items? It's never easy to figure out how their minds work, but something tells me she's trying to suck you back into the game.

The worm turns every time!

[forward]

Sleeper,
I guess I'd have to say that you need that counseling now. You need to go for the sake of the kids. You can't have her snapping and biting at you.

Don't bring up that she is still in love, blah blah. Go to the counseling. I think it would be good for you at this time.

She is absolutely NOT over you.