Nope. No communication from him-didnt expect it either. Decided to not send an anniversary card (no point )but did send a Christmas card and wrote " until we find the words...."in it .We are both scared to talk right now but I am going to have to sort out settlement soon as Im 60 in May. If this causes me to lose him completely I am ready for that, but dont want it at all. Its now 17 months since he left and still prevaricating.Need to make some goals for myself but some days still feel as weak as a kitten.Am proud that I am stronger and am not pursuing him.Still want to save the marriage but chances look slim right now.
Contact! I received a text today" Ive sent you an e-mail please please read it" Here is the contents-"Dearest Caroline,
I am truly sorry for not contacting you. I've got stuck in a loop and am too frightened to contact you. It is fear as well as overwhelming shame for letting it go this long. It's just not fair to you. It's weak and pathetic. You must think I never think of you and am just getting on with life without a second's thought - and how could you not think that. But that's so far from the truth. I think about you every single day and I now I can't sleep because you must think I don't care.
I'm ashamed to tell you I have not opened your last 2 letters for fear of what I may find - pathetic. I don't know why I'm like this it's awful and I'm truly sorry for any hurt my behaviour has caused. I'm also sorry that I have not paid December's money in - I'm afraid my bank stopped my card till I was paid. I'll pay the money into your account tomorrow at the latest.
Now I've sent this I'll open those letters.
I hope so much you have a good Christmas and that you're happy.
Please forgive me - I can't understand how or why I get into this state.
Love Christopher." Now I dont know what to do, how to respond. I think this e-mail says guilt guilt guilt. How do I move foreward with this? Do I suggest a meeting? Dont want to scare him off. Need some impartial advice here. I really want to save this 29 year old marriage. Help!
A, Wait a while and then post a tm that may something like this
"Christopher, thank you for the tm. I'm glad to see that you are okay. Thank you for putting the money into the account. It is much appreciated. I hope you have a good Christmas as well".
Do not suggest a meeting at this time. He needs to be the one to suggest it this time around. Okay?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly I think you are right. My urge to send a loving and emotional e-mail would do no good. Thanks for the advice-Merry Christmas to you and everyone else reading this.
So- I waited a day and replied " Christopher ,Thank you for your e-mail. Ive read it carefully and know you are sincere. Thank you also for the money it is much appreciated. I hope you have a good Christmas as well. Love Caroline."This unemotional approach is a real 180 for me.Will he now find the courage to initiate further contact? What is he afraid of anyway?And why is he so keen for me to know he hasnt forgotten me?Is this only to make himself feel better about walking out?Scared to open my letters too! (They were only casual friendly cards)He seems full of guilt and fear and theres nothing I can do about it. I think Im in this for the long game.
Sent him a friendly personalised birthday card on 30th.Will now leave things alone. Keep re-reading his e-mail and cant interpret it.One minute I think it was only sent to make him feel better- then I think it must have taken courage and hes reaching out. He sounds still confused to me.Must say, this message has set me back a bit.In a way it would be better if he had just tossed me aside.Then I could really resent him and move on. Does that make sense?
A, You are still trying to analyze his every word, move, etc. You can't when a person is suffering from depression. You've sent him a thank you at Christmas and a birthday card for his birthday, that's all you can do for now.
They tend to poke their heads out periodically and give you hope. That's why you must keep your expectations at zero. Have you read any books on depression? Have you gone back and read the MLC Resources thread? There's a lot of valuable information there that would describe your h to a "t".
A, you need to live your life as if he's not coming back. You need to focus on you and your family and just leave him be. He will contact you again now that the holidays are behind us. Holidays are tough on all of us, but more so for those who are depressed and/or in crisis mode.
I do hope the new year brings you much happiness. For now, plan to keep the focus on you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well, after that emotional e-mail at Christmas I now find out he is living with OW. Actually, no surprise as he never denied still seeing her. An extraordinary thing happened. My sister has his number on her mobile. This morning her mobile rang and she heard 6 minutes of conversation from his mobile. It must have called her number up in error and she was able to hear their domestic" banter" as they got ready for work.She came round to tell me ,very upset. I said I never imagined that he was on his own.From what she related he is staying with OW and sounded ok. But hes always been good at shutting out unpleasant things. Maybe I am a fool but I know him fairly well after 29 years and believe that he still thinks about me. Also, he hasnt asked for divorce which he knows I am ready to do.I was going to text him to suggest a chat at half term- I am 60 in May and need to sort out financial settlements but feel upset by this and found it hard not to call him and leave an angry message on his phone.Its been18 months separated am I going to ever move on?
A, I cant believe how similar our sitches are. I am married 26 years and with him 31. The bomb was 19 months ago. He finally moved out three weeks ago. There is an ow. I too need to move forward with a legal settlement. I told him he has to file since he wants it, he hasnt yet.
So, I guess this is all part of it. So many similar stories, it really is unbelieveable.
I have waited way too long regarding the financials and need to get that sorted out. But I feel the same as you, it will be very difficult to remain friends.
I think for now, if you can, try to stay as dark as you can. They really need to sort this out on their own. I think he now knows that you think of him. So let it go for awhile. Any more might seem like pursuing. Leave the ball in his court for now.
beginnersmind,thank you. Weve been separated 20 months now and ive hung on and done everything right but after his Christmas message to find out he is actually living with OW is too much.Trouble is, Im 60 in May and really want to retire from teaching at least full time. But I wont be able to afford the rent here and our house in midlands empty 18 months wont sell.I fled back to my home town and family when it happened as I had a sort of breakdown it was such a shock. Ive sent him an e-mail-first contact for months- to ask him to keep his phone locked and said since he has moved on theres no point in remaining married. I asked him to look out for soliciters letters and not ignore them. I know this is a risk-its a big 180 for me- but Ive waited 20 months with very little contact and am now prepared and strong enough to go on with divorce.Im truly exhausted with this and know him so well- he is such an avoidant I can see myself in same limbo situation for years living in poverty.But my heart is breaking I love him still.Will you be able to get a legal settlement without a divorce? What will you do if he stalls like my H?Thinking of you love from England.
