Donna--finding herself #35

[FLTC]

Thanks, Mishka

[cat03]

hey Donna, I learned a bit more today as i read your posts about how hurtful and deep was your x's deception, sorry honey, many of us have gone through such heck, it is still amazing though about the lenghts the WAS went. I guess what gets us is that we can't believe decent people would do such horrible things, men whom we shared our all turned into these aliens who did things we still are trying to process.
I still from time to time try to make sense of it all, wondering if I had said something better/different had things would've changed.. then I realize that only sincere repentance and full commintment would've repair my M, not the crap I got from stbx.

If only our kids would've been spared the collateral damaged from the jerks' bad desicions..the good men we married died long ago. But God is great honey, and I fully believe this new year will be better, we'll get double for our trouble, nothing in this life happens for no reason, we'll be better off.

[Reincarnated]

cat, I certainly hope so.

My kids were gone last Tues to Wed. I cried pretty hard - my X's great-grandmother had called me, wanting me to "face him" and go to XMas.
I asked for help. Outloud. Really loud.

The next day, I ran into two friends while shopping...one, a woman from work who has faced (and faces) so many medical and personal challenges, my sitch pales in comparison. She was warm and gave me a huge hug.
Another was a friend from AlAnon. She told me how much I was missed, and hoped I would come back - even mentioned that maybe our meeting wasn't so random.

There are still things that hurt. And, so much of it is my own memory, my own interpretations and survival tactics, that have twisted my perceptions and reality.
If I look back at individual aspects of my marriage, I can point out all the things that were lacking, areas that I wasn't fulfilled, or we didn't communicate about, or that were pretty dysfunctional. But I am still pulled back by the overall memory of feeling loved, and protected, and cared for. That is what I miss, and I had to do my own mental gymnastics to have that feeling in the first place.
So, what I am missing can't be reclaimed, anyway.

But I am also still in shock - you can conceptualize all of this as much as you want, but the heart will feel what it will feel - it takes longer than we want it to for it to filter down.

So, it was hard these last 2 days. The kids weren't home. I didn't take good care of my sleep. I let myself sit around, rather than stick to my plans to be productive, then felt bad about that, too. I ate crap. Stayed up till 4 am both days, then slept too late. I set myself up for a self-reinforcing bleh. And so, when I heard X and his company laughing in the background of my call to the kids, and heard about all the presents they got from his new friends, and realized that he has completely moved on with his new life and thinks little to none about me, well.....what else did I expect?
The gf's oldest D refers to my X as her stepfather, and my kids and her step-brother and sister.

So they laugh and live life, what used to be my life, and I sit taking up space on the couch. Not a good combo. And I know it. And it was self-indulgent, and self-defeating. And I know better. But some days I just don't have the energy to fight the blahs; I almost welcome them. A reality check, maybe? I don't know.

S came home and hugged me again forever. D turns on a button somewhere when I am trying to get her to sleep, and tells me story after story of what happened with her over at the other house. I listen a lot, say, Um hmm....that's nice.

She told me that the 6 year old had another hissy fit in the store today. X had taken all of the kids to Kohl's (gf was at work). And he had to carry her out of the store, screaming. Took 15 minutes before she would get into the car. And when they all got home, she just started laughing, saying she had been faking it all along. My God, what did he sign himself and my kids up for?

Thank God (again) that he didn't go for 50/50.

Tomorrow, S is going skiing with Church, and D and I will hang together. Tues, we'll drive down to visit GG and whoever else wants to show up. My friend will be up that night or Wed to celebrate the New Year.

One step in front of the other.....

[Reincarnated]

So, today was much better. Less time with the computer, no time with the tv, spent time with D and went out to shop a bit. We colored with her blendy pens, too. And I GOT STUFF DONE. Got all of the XMas garbage together for the curb tonight, got the kids' new things down to their rooms, cleaned up the kitchen. I made a list for the rest of the week, even though I know it is WAY too ambitious to accomplish it all.

It is always better when the kids are around. Actually, I didn't even mind S being away all day snowboarding. I just get antsy when they are with the X. Something I'll have to get over, but I'm also being easy on myself with that front - it will come with time. I still think I'm feeling jealous/bitter when confronted with his life and me not being in it at all anymore, and I don't want to be...I have to continue to find things that feel almost as good or better than I used to feel when we were all together (not the easiest of tasks).

He emailed me to confirm the schedule for the rest of the week - he is going away for the weekend, so he'll miss his Fri dinner with the kids this week, and again next week; he didn't ask to switch nights. I emailed back to confirm, and also had to ask him to pay his property taxes; I am amazed that there are still things left that haven't been separated yet, and they won't let me reregister my car while his taxes are delinquent. Once he is up to date, they can separate the accounts. That was a wasted trip to motor vehicle last week...

Tomorrow, some vacuuming and dusting in the morning, off to LI and great-grandma's for a visit (I'm bringing a casserole). Kids and I hang out together for a while Wed and then my friend comes up to stay for a few days. Its supposed to snow again, then.

[cat03]

hey Donna, I totally understand how you feel, I was doing much better when stbx didnt have anyone, and now that he's setting up to have a new ..ugh,..family with that woman ands her kids/our kids it is extra hard to just move on and not think day and night of what was/could've been/is.
We have to force our train of thoughts to move on, rearranging the past isnt' helping us hon, there are way to many variables for us to pin point where things went wrong or what we could've done. Bottom line is, the men didn't stay for better or worse like we all promised, the run away the chicken sh*t way and hid the ow in a selfish way to quench their thirst, real men don't run away and hide the way they did.

Glad to hear you had a better day)))))

I'm tryign hard to not think of them all the time, the thougths are instrusive but I'm forcing myself to say "who cares" or "so what" when those thoughts come. It will take time, but we'll find peace hon, believe it, this is just another Everest to climb, we'll reach it one step at a time.

[Reincarnated]

Just got this gem in an email:


It is far better to grieve and learn, than to be happy but a fool.

Your depression will begin to lift as you release your losses, but there is a final step in dealing with depression:

"You should never go through a depression without learning from it," says Dr. Archibald Hart. "Depressions tell you something about yourself, like a mirror to the inner values that you hold. By appropriately pausing at the end of the process to learn what you can about yourself, this is where the healing comes about in depression. You should be a better person after the depression than you were before."

The Bible says that sorrow is better than laughter. Why would that be true? Because when you are hurting and in distress, you are more apt to examine your heart and your motivations. You know your spirit is grieving, and you have the opportunity to deal with the root cause of the pain. It is far better to grieve and learn, than to be happy but a fool. What have you learned from your depression and grief that you can use to reinvest in a better future? What wisdom have you gained?

"Sorrow is better than laughter, for sadness has a refining influence on us. A wise person thinks much about death, while the fool thinks only about having a good time" (Ecclesiastes 7:3-4 NLT).

Lord, what can I learn in my depression? What can I learn about myself, others, and You that will result in a fuller life for me? Teach me, Holy Spirit. Amen.

[NNP1965]

Thanks for posting that Donna

[cat03]

that was a greatr emAIL

[Reincarnated]

We had a great visit with Grandma and Grandpa yesterday. He is very old (about to turn 90), and broke his hip not long ago. He is hard of hearing and has macular degeneration, which makes it very hard to see. He can be cranky and rude at unpredictable times.
But not yesterday. He actually asked at one point - Are you getting ready to go? (I braced to be asked to leave). I said In a bit... He answered: Well, I don't want you to go! I am so glad you, you are here.
Wow. He had to say it another two times before the evening was over. And that he really liked having me there. I will have to visit more often.
Grandma and I got to catch up a bit, too. No talk of the sitch, just "a nice visit" like she wanted. And I was good with that, too.
My BIL and nephew came over; I had brought dinner with us, so we had 7 people around the table to eat. Grandma said it was nice to have company. She feels stuck being a full-time caregiver, but also won't let others help too much.
BIL pulled me to the side at one point, and just said he and his W (X's sis) were "on my side." That X is and always had been an asss. I can see his point, in retrospect; it was just that he was never an asss with me, until now.

So, I had a lot of thinking time while driving both ways. I've been rolling around the idea of grace.
It all comes back around to the DB principles, the Serenity prayer, all of it.
Accept the things I cannot change, change what I can, wisdom to know the difference.
Time is leading me through healing, and toward grace. I want that grace, so I can accept X where he is, where we are, and just do the job of co-parenting.
I wish I had had it earlier. That I had been more grown-up and mature; it might have saved my marriage. But that's not where I could have been.
I was that 16 year-old again, thrown out into the world to finish the job of growing up, and in a damn hurry. Maybe that is why I never felt my age (I'm 38?!)
My mother had been concerned when X and I were so close at so young an age, that I hadn't experienced real dating, etc. But then she decided that it would be ok, because of who he was.
And it was ok, for a very long time.
But now I see the worth in it. Those missing life experiences made this break-up so much more devastating than it should have been. I nearly died; it is a miracle and my two kids that see me here today.
Missing those life experiences also probably played into how he reacted to his experiences and choices. We both acted out of immaturity.

"All the world's indeed a stage and we are merely players, actors and portrayers..."

I'm sure that if someone had seen it all unfolding from the outside, they could even script it all out.

I still don't know what the final act will be. But I know that my goal is grace. Live and let live.
I don't want to be bitter or hold hatred all of my life...

[SallyM]

hey donna,

you sound like you are doing well. glad you had a nice visit with the grandparents...sounds like you were a blessing for them, as well. take care and I hope you have a wonderful new year