BM! You know I wouldn't DREAM of telling you what to do...;), but ... if it were me, and my spouse was actively conducting an affair while living in the house with me, I would change the living arrangements right away.
I know it is a personal decision. Everyone is different. It is possible to be strong without being pushy. I know all that.
There is "a line" for everyone. An active affair? That's over the line, for me.
What I read from you is, you dread the effects on your family of splitting up, you dread the effects on your son of your husband not being around, and you wish your marriage were young again. But ... it seems like it is hurting you. I don't know for sure, because we never *really* know each other here, the typed word is not nearly rich enough to really know someone. But it feels to me that the situation is sapping your strength and self esteem. Asking for a hug from a man who is doing this to you.... it is not only not good DBing, but it is a sign that you are not strong for yourself. You need support, no shame in that. But you're asking for support from someone who is not only not prepared to give it, he is actively undercutting you. I feel strongly about his behavior.
I had an acquaintance once, the kind of guy I helped when he moved into a new apartment. Had beers together from time to time. I hadn't seen him in a while, then I think it might have been New Year's Eve one year - caught up with him. He told me he had quit his job, decided to move to a new city. Wow! I said, what brought all this on? He told me - actually, it was something you said.
!!!???
He had been telling me, over beers, that he wasn't enjoying work, and it was a drag, and his heart wasn't in it. And I told him, be careful! Because you can tolerate that situation, and after a while, you turn sour inside from the daily grind. I told him, better to be broke and happy, than flush with cash and broken in spirit. It was one of those off-the-cuff things sitting on a bar stool. He thought about it, and decided I was right. He took action. Quit the job he didn't care for. Decided he could live without the money. I don't know what happened to him after he left my city. Like I said, he was an acquaintance. We didn't keep in touch. So I don't know if the story has a happy ending or not. But I still feel like I gave him a good perspective.
So - Are you doing a job that is continuing to sap your strength? Are you waking up each day a little stronger? Are you energized by your mission and vocation? or are you growing a little weaker and wearier by the day? Weary is one thing. We are all weary to some degree of our situations.
But steadily wearier is something different. Don't let yourself get silently used up. Protect and nourish your spirit! You will need it for the future, whichever way the winds of fortune blow!
S, first of all, I hope by now you know how much I appreciate your perspective on my sitch. I want you to always tell it like you see it. I might not always seem like it, but I could take it - good or bad. So never hold back, that is why I am on this BB.
So, I have always felt like you thought it was better for my h to be in the house.
"How much more unpleasant for his dad to be 2 hours away? I am no professional, but it is my understanding that for kids, the only damaging part is when there is active hostility and anger in the house between the parents. If the parents are polite to each other but warm to the kids, it's still ok, better than no parent at all. Two parents who live together peacefully and respectfully, though not with passionate love, are good for kids."
So, forgive me, but I am a little confused by your new post. I am weary of the situation - abso-freakin-lutely (sorry, I 'm from Brooklyn). Am I disgusted with myself for thinking so little of me that I would ask him for a hug? Yep. Am I strong enough to do what I have to? Not sure.
I have to file, and I dont want to. Not just because I took a vow, but because of all it entails. Because it starts the ball rolling of hurting my son even more, on having to sell the house, on dividing up our lives, of having to leave my job. It all overwhelms me, it scares me.
So, I think, in some ways, when I ask for a hug, I know subconsciencely that I am getting nearer to moving forward, if that makes sense. But, I am stuck. I wish he would do what is right. I wish he would move out and file so that I dont have to. I wish that he would do the right thing. But therein lies the problem, I keep thinking that he is that kind of man and he is not.
So, once again, you give me food for thought, as you always do in a caring, kind way. And while we do not really know the people on this board, I think you see me, as I see you. You are a good person, a kind soul, with wonderful perspectives given with honesty. And for that, I thank you.
BM, you say such nice things about me, even when what I write is confusing!
And, yes, you are quite right BM, I did say "why not just stay together?"
But somehow I had forgotten or missed that he was actively carrying on an affair. I was aware there was another person in the picture, and her famiy lives 2 hours away, and he was considering moving in with her. I guess I draw the line on "active affair." I don't know what "active" means to you. Maybe it is one of those "I know it when I see it" things. To me, an active affair means ongoing intimate contact, physical or otherwise. It's not just sex that qualifies as intimate - regular phone calls, emails, dinner dates, trips together, massages - all that counts as intimacy.
If it is an active, current affair, then FOR ME I wouldn't put up with it. (you are you, not me) If it is "he is thinking about moving in with her" then ... well I was in this situation, and I put up with it for a long time. She was unsure, she was thinking about her next move. I asked her repeatedly to stop seeing the man. I told her I wanted her, but I needed her assurance that she would leave him behind. I finally put a stop to it after she repeatedly agreed to stop seeing the man, but secretly continued. This was not respectful to me.
(getting back to the "Two parents who live together peacefully and respectfully...")
I don't think anything good comes from staying in the marital house while the spouse conducts an active affair. For me it was engendering bad feelings and was likely to cause arguments and strife. Not a stable arrangement.
Like you - I am maybe not completely sure. The decision to split is fraught with heavy implications. But for me I wouldn't put up with an active affair.
I am not advising you to file for dissolution. I know that is a big decision. I did not file, though some people advise that I should have. It would have been a stronger statement, I will tell you that. It would have been viewed more favorably by the court.
Filing for dissolution is not in itself a statement that "I don't want you." It is more like "I don't want you this way."
When I left the house I told her, "This is not a good marriage for me, any longer."
(ps: I do not recommend that you leave the residence.)
S, I say kind things about you because I mean them. This is me. What you see is what you get. I speak the truth, always.
Anyway, I do not know for sure if he is still having an affair. I would have to say that he is, he still goes away when he does not have to. But I do not knw for sure.
My son does not know about the affair. There is no outward strife in the house.
I have to file because I am in a no-fault state, and because he has amassed $70,000 and counting in credit card debt, of which I owe half and he was not paying down the mortgage for 3 years. I have put myself and my son into dire financial straits not filing.
I have no intention of leaving my home. Sadly, it will have to be sold. This after my h convinced me to use a small inheritance from my mother to fix up the house. Something I waited 20 years to do and after I did that, he dropped the bomb.
Anyway, thank you again for posting. And I hope you and yours have a happy new year.
H has come home earlier than expected tonight. My plan was to curl up on the couch and watch a movie. My friend invited me to her house but I am so tired today and it is -7 with the wind chill. I know I should go - better dbing I guess, but I dont want to. I am not depressed, not staying because of h, just because I really want to be home.
My s, thankfully, has plans. I am so worried about him and his depression, so I am glad he is going to a friend's.
I think our H spend and spend with no real thought or concern of a responsible adult I dont think they do it purposely they are just checked out and are not in touch with consequences until ofcourse it hits them in the face peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
