Separated and adjusting #2

[healthydad]

Thanks everyone for stopping by and saying hello.

Happy New Year. My son and I flew back last night, and now I'm in a quiet home again (at least until my S11 wakes up and my W bring by my baby boy!).

I sometimes forget that what I'm nursing is also a broken heart - and I just wish sometimes that there were a way to turn it off - to stop loving someone so much that just doesn't seem to care anymore...so letting go helps a lot - though, my goodness, the memories that flooded me while I was home with my family just tore into me...I think it was just the reminder of how my family used to see us as such an ideal couple...everyone...from my brother and my sister to my father...and now we're just this terrible mess - and the confused looks on my family's faces just seemed to reflect my own confusion again and again.

No...I can't leave this board...this community...my friends here...I don't know what I would have done without this site and the lessons I've learned from so many people here - and that rare chance to meet someone like you - who knows so well, so painfully well, what it''s like to go through this.

I've been reading a lot more about MLC lately - and have been surprised to see how much of it relates to my W. I don't know why I hadn't thought to look through the MLC threads before - but I find her there again and again - and when I look at the process, my heart just sinks...I don't know if I have that kind of strength in me...sometimes I just feel so exhausted by it all...and also just so very alone.

I know that I have the ability to lift myself up and live for my boys...I just sometimes feel so very, very tired - and the pain envelops me - this morning I feel kind of that way - just sad, just wishing that my W would come by this morning and want to stay for breakfast with me and the boys...but there's nothing in her to indicate any interest in us at all...and so I just have to put those kinds of useless thoughts out of my head and get on with my day.

The new year starts today...normally that means nothing to me...today I will make it mean something, as I have got to keep moving forward and getting stronger and healthier.

...hm...she's always there to remind me that it's best to move on...I just got off the phone with her as I was typing - and her coldness and distance just knocked me back into my own reality...without her...since she's not even remotely the person she used to be for us - so distant and cold. At least I get to see my baby boy soon.

[whitneypinch]

Man do I hear and feel for you and with you.
My kids ad my W are in Florida with my in-laws. They have a place down there. We all went as a family every year. 1 day ago I was texting W and she indicated she would be happy to sit down and tell me what she was up to. I texted her back to keep the conversation going and she basically said I will talk to you when I am back in 12 days. WOW, just so cold, as she told me to get lost and not bother her with that reply. Just a day earlier we ended our email with hugs to each other for the first time.

Ok, everyone on this board says this is where we should go to vent so here it comes:

Sorry, but today I am going to rant. I messed up some things in my marriage and yes I got into a funk. I landed into a family that had tons of money and I got lazy and off track.
My W left me and our family PERIOD.
She has not looked back for a second and is moving forward at the speed of light. She prides herself with her ability to make a decision, stick with it and never look back. It's both a great thing and a very sad thing. Her parents have rewarded her her whole life when she gets into trouble by bailing her out financially.

I am emotionally drained of this whole thing. While I would do anything to have my family back together I guess there comes a point where I deserve "something", anything.....

As we both know, it takes two. My W still is blaming me 100% for the whole thing. She is out "having fun" and is into all kinds of new hobbies etc. Affluence affords a fun lifestyle 24 hours a day. I am absolutely ripped apart that I am not with my kids. For me that should be enough to want to work on things.

My W has done a fantastic job over the last year of making sure she steers clear of me so that I don't have an influence on her decision.

I am fed up. I have been working 1000% on doing what I can to improve for myself and my family. I don't even get any crumbs thrown my way. Sure my W has softened a bit and recently has even signed an email with hugs BUT seriously....there is a family here.
There was not even a discussion about that before she left. Yes, I was not open to discussion as I was always defensive. Look, I get it I messed up. I just want some relief and to be foregiven.

My W did not even send my a happy new years text.

I don't know maybe I should not be on here reading what I should and should not do???? I wanted to send her a text at midnight saying happy new years. I sent a very kind text to ever one of my friends and even her parents but not her. It all feels so un-natural. Yes, I know that is the point of all of the DB stuff.
BUT at what point do we all just say.....”we deserve to be with someone that truly loves us”. If our spouses truly loved us would they not make the effort to REALLY try to understand why they were unhappy before they left, therefore showing how much they value the marriage and the family.

My therapist basically said the main ingredient to marriage is commitment. Commitment to working through everything because your marriage is the most important thing in your life. Our WAWs did not have that commitment at all.....they walked. Sure we were to blame but what about their role?
I am not pointing the finger at my W and saying it's all her fault but I just can't believe that my W is going 100 miles and hour and never going to turn back.

Yesterday I went on the Rejoice Ministries website for the first time. I am not religious at all. I read the story of the founders. Basically the husband got up and left his wife, and years later decided he made a mistake. His wife took him back. It was not much more complicated than that. They are now dedicated to helping couples work through challenges. The big thing is that they are working with COUPLES.
I am not a couple. My WAW feels she would be better off with someone else (unknown).

I think that pretty much sums up all of us on this board. Our spouses left us, for whatever reason. We need to all recognize that and move on. If by some act of fate they change their mind we decide at the time if we want them back.

Yes, this act has changed us all and given us a great gift. It was the gift to look so deeply into ourselves to change what we can to be the best person we can. That is what I mean when I say that this was the best thing to happen to me in my life. I was unhappy who I had become and this has put me back on the right path. I just can't imagine the girl I married has no interest to even talk to me about our M given the great children we have.
She has convinced herself that everything is great and the kids are great and all is fantastic.

I think you can see I am very angry right now. I just got 2 emails from my x in-laws. Both were nice wishing me happiness for the new year with my kids. I feel like ripping a strip off them a mile wide and saying 'you rewarded your daughter for destroying a family'.

I think we kid ourselves with all this DB stuff. Yes, we do it for ourselves but the fact is this…our WAW will come back to us if they feel like it PERIOD. The truth is they usually don’t. I think if you really look at these posts that the majority of success is men coming back to their marriages. I don’t see hardly any women coming back.

My parents called yesterday and said they would like to see my W and I get back together. This is an absolute 180 for them. It was nice to hear that but it made it worse for me. I know in my heart that my W will never come back. I guess by staying on this board I keep up some kind of hope. But does hope stop us from accepting the reality …… that’s called denial.

Just exhausted emotionally. I want my family back.

[nw626]

Carlos
Happy New Year..
I think the holiday is really messing with our emotions.
If you think your wife is in MLC, will it change your current plan/action?
It is a new year. You will get stronger, healthier, and happier for yourself and sons.
Enjoy this brand new day with your boys...

Whitneypinch
I feel you pain and anger.
It is very unfair to us (LBS).
Let your anger vent here....
Hang in there...

Best of luck.

NW626

[healthydad]

Whitneypitch -
I feel for you, I really do, and I understand your pain and frustration - and my recommendation would be to take a big step back again and just take a deep, deep breath. I'm not quite at the stage you are in terms of my W's decisions - I'm close, but not fully there. My W's parents are also well off and her mother has responded to the situation by funding her daughter's choice - this despite the fact that she told me she and FIL don't want to support her decision to end her marriage - but MIL's actions speak much louder than her words...

My SIL told their parents that if they want to do anything, they should offer to pay for my W's therapy - but that's not happened either.

So what I am getting at? Knowing all of this about my W and her parents means nothing in terms of my development and my growth - and my responsibilities to myself and my kids. As much as I feel the pain of having my wife move out - and having our M sit on the brink of failure - I know that there is nothing, and by that I mean absolutely nothing, I can do for her.

When I met my W I thought she was brilliant, beautiful and immature - in that order - and yet I found myself falling in love with her because she is an amazing person. In the years we've been together, I've often felt like she was a stranger, like there was a part of her that I didn't really know or understand - and I felt that distance from her when making love, when talking, even when sharing with her about my own hopes and fears...we just weren't on the same page a lot of the time - despite our love for one another - and despite our having a child and (presumably) shared hopes and dreams.

My situation started, to some extent, because I wanted to leave this marriage - and I just wasn't happy anymore (that was back in Feb - into March, April, May...I just found myself missing my W less and less when I traveled - and faced with more of her anger when I was home - I contributed to the situation by getting angry with her - pulling away, and shutting her out of my life more and more - even to the point of just not telling her about my work at all (and having her learn about my decisions through conversations with others). Along with all this I also pulled away from her physically - since our intimacy just didn't feel close or, well, intimate...

And...now here's the rub...my perceptions of all this stuff have changed since she dropped the bomb...I don't blame her for the reasons I pulled away - and I can see a lot that I could have done differently - just in terms of being a better person to her and my kids - and myself.

Now that she is out of the house (and more or less out of my life save for contact about our baby) - I have no choice but to confront the harshest reality of my life - and either let it make me crumble - or face it and deal with it. I have decided to face it and take on the challenge of improving myself full force - and, as you said Whit - that is the gift we get in this process. I am becoming a better person every day - I feel it, I know it - and I also know that I still have work to do - since when I was home I did not manage to maintain an effective DB mindset when dealing with my mom...(do you know what I mean? And it was strange, strange, strange to see how much my mom has in common with my W...my mom never outgrew her issues - as she never moved on with her life when my father left her - so maybe this is my W's chance to work out her issues - regardless of what happens with us).

On a different note...I just did something a bit out of character...my S11 had the stomach flu before we left for the holidays - and one night he vomited on the carpet - I cleaned it up as best I could...but came back to a smelly carpet - so I just called my W and left her a message asking for her suggestions - since she has a knack for stuff like that - I didn't know if she would ignore it or respond...didn't really matter - I just did what I would do with a friend...she didn't call back - but she did text back with a suggestion...I wonder if it was because I gave her a drawing my sister's daughter made for her...I had debated (briefly) about whether or not to give my wife the drawing - since I was worried it would seem like pursuing - but the truth is, my niece made it for my W as a way of saying thank you for the clothes my W sent her...and it was not my drawing to keep. And so I was the courier - which was an easy role to play in that I hold no anger or malice toward my W at all.

While I am hurting because of her changes - her crisis and her pain - what she is doing, in the end, isn't about me - it's about her...and I wish her the best - because she deserves it...no one, no child, should ever have to endure what she did as a child...and maybe this horrible process is her way to heal. I hope it is - for her and for our son. If it changes the outcome for us at all - that's fine - but it's not my expectation. In this new year, I am her friend...and I sit here thinking of a word between wife and friend...and STBX...since she is none of these things right now...she is, instead, a woman I love unconditionally...my unconditional love....my UL...so I now see myself as UL listed? I'll have to come up with something better...

In a moment, I'm taking the kids out to see the floats from the Tournament of Roses Parade - my S11 and I saw them setting up when we drove home last night (we literally live a five minute walk above the Rose Bowl) - so the area is crazy with traffic - we can just walk down and check it out...

Happy New Year everyone - seriously - HAPPY - the pain so many of us carry has been given to us by our spouses - let's let go of some of their pain - as a gift to them, to let them heal, and recognize again that their anger speaks to their pain - as neither their anger nor their pain is ours to harbor, ours to heal, or ours to fix. We can only love - even through the hurt - love and let go....and as we let go, we get that magical ability to retain or regain a grip on our own lives...and reconnect with so much in ourselves that we had let slip away...slip away and fade into obscurity...but now is our time, as RTL says, we can use it to become positive forces in the lives of anyone we touch - or we can let the pain consume us and lead us to darken the spaces we inhabit...I am choosing to be positive...I am choosing to show others the strength of love...I am choosing to honor my life by facing every aspect of mediocrity and errant compromise in my life - I am doing this for my children, I am doing this for me...I am doing this because I am not the weak man my situation made me for so many months...I am, instead, a father, a son, a husband, a friend, a writer, a reader, a stranger to many, and a humbled soul that understands now how giving love should be...how generous love should be...how unencumbered by expectations love must be.

[healthydad]

Hi NW,
Happy New Year to you as well.
I agree, the holidays definitely mess with our emotions...that's the big benefit of the friends here - they can help get us back on track...

I don't think the possibility of my W being in MLC will change my plan of action much at all - since my focus still has to remain the same - improving myself, taking care of my kids - and loving her and letting go. The biggest impact of reading the MLC stuff might just be that I have a bit of a deeper acceptance of the fact that I can't do anything to change her mind or make her think differenty...all I can do is work on me - and make my life the best it could possibly be - and I need to keep that energy and drive permanent...not do it now, just because she is out of my life, but change in such a way that I could never go back to where I was before she decided to leave.

I've been having so much fun with my boys today...they decided to stay home for today - since we've all been gone for so long - so it looks like we'll head down to the parade floats tomorrow (maybe there will be smaller crowds then anyway).

How are you doing, NW? When will you get to see your boy again?

-carlos.

[VeronicaV]

Carlos,

Thank you for sharing those thoughts of yours in your post. I am feeling very sad today and your strength and wisdom in your words inspire me to find a way to be positive, for me.

You are so right about loving them unconditionally and loving them by letting go of their anger and pain. I just have to find the strength today.

V.

[healthydad]

This page should be required reading for all of us here:

http://www.coping.org/control/detach.htm

wow...

[healthydad]

It's strange to ride the various waves of this process...this morning I was feeling so fine and strong and empowered...and then a glimpse of her as her...and I'm missing her like mad...I'm going to get myself into a better mindset - since I think part of my susceptibility to emotions right now comes from lack of sleep - and touch of travel fatigue...and the withdrawal from being around my family - and their support...it had been ages since I received an actual hug from someone as I cried...I hug my kids...but I won't have them go through the toughest stuff I experience inside my heart.

My son told me today that it bothered him to learn that my W had threatened to call the police (which he overheard when I was at my father's house). He said it made him angry with my W that she could even threaten to say something like that - and so I tried to explain to him that sometimes, when we're really frightened of something as children, we forget who or what it was that frightened us, even if we remember the fear - and sometimes that fear comes back...and that's what she was feeling - a very real fear - and part of her knows it isn't me...but that part of her just doesn't speak very loudly for her right now. He seemed to understand what I was trying to say - and that relaxed me some.

I will feel different tomorrow - and then different again the day after that...and tomorrow I will also make sure these boys join me in going out of the house...and getting more fresh air...and more time among other human beings.

Hopefully I'll also get a chance to sleep some tonight...

-carlos.

[healthydad]

I think I'll add this to my must-read list:

http://www.coping.org/control/fixing.htm

When I read this page I found myself going through the history of my life and pinpointing different moments when my "fixer" attitude ended costing me a friend or a part of myself...very revealing stuff to read - and, my goodness, if it doesn't highlight some of the ways in which I matched the needs of my wife when we first met...as the fixer it was all too easy for her to come to depend on me too much...and somehow, over the last couple years, her excessive dependence on me was something I had come to resent...even though I had contributed to it so very much (and didn't even know it).

I'm pulling back a lot these days with my S11 - not saying much to him about how he does things (like putting away dishes) - and I find that holding back on the urge to "fix" things as a parent is also helping him become even more independent...he's just naturally starting to do more around the house - and is just picking up on more little things that I used to do for him in the past (as in just two or three months ago). I'm going to take this non-fixer attitude into more things...so how it goes...it really fascinates me...and I even got to wondering about how many of us are still driven a bit by that fixer impulse when we post to one another and try to offer the right advice on what might make us better...it doesn't feel the same, though...because the fixer in me always wanted to stop talking when the fixing came out - and just couldn't...here I don't think I know better than anyone else or that I can find a way to fix anything for anyone...it's more of a matter of offering support and compassion...which isn't often part of the fixer attitude - which is far more self-serving (or so I have realized of late).

I used to think my W was just making things up when she accused me of controlling her...I can see where she gets that now...it makes a lot more sense...and I can see how my offering too much advice...too many "solutions" did start to feel like a mode of control - rather than the expression of love or concern I thought it was...I know this must seem so obvious to a lot of you...but, damn...if it's not a real revelation to me...yet another degree of humility...that's good...that's very good.

[Purple]

I think I'll add this to my must-read list:

http://www.coping.org/control/fixing.htm

When I read this page I found myself going through the history of my life and pinpointing different moments when my "fixer" attitude ended costing me a friend or a part of myself...very revealing stuff to read - and, my goodness, if it doesn't highlight some of the ways in which I matched the needs of my wife when we first met...as the fixer it was all too easy for her to come to depend on me too much...and somehow, over the last couple years, her excessive dependence on me was something I had come to resent...even though I had contributed to it so very much (and didn't even know it).

Ooh Ooh...I wonder if this dynamic matches my relationship with h. I love that website.....I look at it everynow and then and go "yeah!"